One grand lady moves on as week two comes to an end
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

To the surprise of no one (not even God, with whom all things are possible), ”model and entrepreneur” Kathy Ireland and her partner Tony Dovolani were kindly asked to please close their hold for the last time on Tuesday’s Dancing With the Stars. It worked: They hugged! I knew they could do it. I wonder how many people will try to figure out what the heck ”the Urban Dictionary” is now that Kathy and Tom mentioned it. For the record, it is this and, shockingly, ”DANCMSTR has not been defined — yet.” Good to know for when I have a spare three hours and a burning desire to lend even more words to the topic, right?

Meanwhile, Tom and Sam announced Debi Mazar and Maks as the other of the ”bottom two” couples. What?! They so rarely announce the real bottom two that this seems suspicious. But you can’t argue with the English language (unless Bruno is speaking it), so yeah, Tom DeLay is officially more popular with the DWTS audience than Debi and Maksi. Louie Vito and Chelsie, by the way, were announced as ”in jeopardy” along with Debi/Maks and Kathy/Tony, but that was just for show; they could be anywhere in the pack.

For this week’s encore: Surprise! Baz picked Mya and Dmitry’s jive. I thought for sure ABC would want to trot out the Muppets again. In fact, I think to level the playing field next week, one Muppet should descend the technicolor staircase with each couple except Aaron and Karina. The Swedish Chef for Mark, Big Bird for Joanna, a disapproving Sam the Eagle for Tom DeLay. Definitely Janice for Louie, as they seem to share a similar ”Far out!” vibe. And so on.

Two random but noteworthy points from last night: First, Tom’s improvised joke that ”Kym and Samantha kind of look like sexy Chia Pets, just a little” didn’t seem to go over as well on Planet Mirrorballus as it did on my sofa. Second, I’m so glad famous wrestler Mickey Rourke, who was in the audience to cheer on his fighter buddy Chuck Liddell, decided to don an open shirt and sparkly cap in an effort to seamlessly assimilate into the ballroom culture.

Time for starlets! Disney darling Selena Gomez bopped by to sing ”Falling Down,” the first single from her album Kiss and Tell, while Karina (channeling Julianne’s gold-leotarded freestyle) and Derek whirled around and around and did not fall down. Returning guest performer Joss Stone sang two songs — her own single ”Free Me” and Dusty Springfield’s ”Son of a Preacher Man,” the latter of which featured Dmitry, Cheryl, Anna Tre-BUN, and Louis in a delicious four-way samba roll w/ extra cheese, hold the mayo. I nearly fainted at the sight of such an immaculate, fringe-stuffed hoagie supreme. Unfortunately, Mickey Rourke was not nearly as amused.

NEXT: And the band played on

Speaking of things that are stuffed, it was then obviously time to pack the USC Trojans Marching Band and their featured dancers into our tiny, beloved Rectagon for a very enjoyable ”Get Down Tonight” number choreographed by Stomp the Yard choreographer Chuck Maldonado and performer Jimmy R.O. Smith. Of course, I loved the geeky ”D-w-t-S” letter-sweatered dancers far more than the sloppy orange track-suited dancers, but they were all good. I only wish the band had been initially led out by Tony Dovolani in his appropriately festive red and gold ‘Pride of Albania’ embroidered jacket. Oh, it seems my mom, DANCMSTR Dee Barrett, would like to weigh in here via e-mail: ”The USC Marching Trojans — we remember them from when they performed with Fleetwood Mac — ‘Tusk.’ Only they rocked so much more.” Wow, riveting stuff from DANCMSTR Dee. My mom is almost as insightful as I am.

The brand-new DWTS training facility had me fantasizing about a Big Brother/Real World-esque spinoff series in which we could ”see how they really live” or something lame like that. And by ”lame” I mean ”I would totally watch.” It would probably be mostly footage of Derek running laps around the perimeter of the building because he’d run out of people to annoy. Maybe every so often, the entire cast could huddle around a letterbox and scream ”DANCMSTR Post!” which would be like Top Model‘s Tyra Mail but more coherent and including words like ”flavour.” With its monotone walls and silly monsters who weren’t entirely impressed by their new surroundings, the DWTS Funhouse reminded me of the 1985 Sesame Street Book Club classic The House of Seven Colors. Anyway, the end of my copious notes about the training facility segment, I typed, furiously, ”FAN FICTION OPPORTUNITY.” Look for my best-selling adult danceventure series The House of Flying Swaggers and Disco Ball Dreams, on shelves soon. Seriously, would anyone buy that? I swear to Kathy Ireland’s God, I’ll do it!

Not much to say about the ”Breaking The Bad Habits of Our Stars” segment except that I cannot believe the producers haven’t run out of relatively interesting ideas for filler segments. Seriously. Oh, and Anna D. deserves props for her quip to Irvin that ”If dancing was easy, they’d call it football.” Oh, snap, girl. First down!

Happy? Sad? Suffering from electric shock like Samantha’s hair? Leave your thoughts about week 2 in the comments, DANCMSTRs!

Follow Annie on Twitter: (@EWAnnieBarrett)

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