Two stars go home at the end of premiere week, and Sean Kingston performs
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Poor Jonathan and Lady Legwarmer! It’s farewell to Ashley Hamilton, mini Ritz cracker, and Macy Gray, who still will not stop talking about fruit, after a supersize three-night season premiere of Dancing With the Stars. The use of Supertramp’s ”Goodbye Stranger” at the end of the show was particularly astute, suggesting that Ashley Hamilton was pretty much a stranger to the viewing public anyway and Macy Gray is stranger than all of us. (The line ”Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane” was also a nice touch.)

Because of the double elimination, Ashley’s bad news had to be delivered in the middle of the show — awkward! It’s much more harsh for Tom and Sam to have to wrestle attention away from a newly minted member of the Losers Club in the middle of the show instead of at the end of it, especially when the reason they’re rushing is so that a new Miley Cyrus video can quell a rapt nation’s suspense re: whether she’s still as totally into cowboy boots as ever, y’all. (Yes.)

Agggghh! What’s going on? An enormous rhinoceros is lumbering its way down the aisles of the Rectagon! Disney and Macy’s and Mufasa and whoever else were behind this Lion King cast performance: You could not have planted a better fantasy in my brain. Yes, there was a bit of impressive dancing involved, but I honestly would have been thrilled by the entrances of giant animals onto an elegant ballroom TV set alone. (ABC even continued the ”Circle of Life” theme in the hilarious debut of Modern Family that was up next…not to mention that the title of the premiere after that was called Cougar Town. Grrr.) This bizarre exercise in juxtaposition could turn out to be one of my most treasured DWTS memories ever, but it will certainly be in close contention with…

The pros’ tribute to Patrick Swayze! Dmitry and Chelsie, both in their natural states (he open-shirted, she barefoot), danced to ”She’s Like The Wind,” the 1987 Dirty Dancing soundtrack staple sung by Swayze and Wendy Fraser. Real-life married couple Jonathan and Anna then played movie married couple Swayze and Demi Moore in a tears-inducing interpretation — through DANCE! — of the Ultimate Pottery Fantasy scene from Ghost. Jonathan did not follow Swayze’s lead and go shirtless here, but the couple’s makeout session and very convincing twirling crotch-sit more than made up for that. I liked how Anna’s beige dress signified the wet, spinning clay and that Jonathan had to ”mold her” by guiding her around by her neck.

NEXT: Patrick Swayze gets some love

Finally, Tony and Cheryl threw on their best Johnny and Baby faces to mimic Swayze and Jennifer Grey’s final Dirty Dancing routine, set to ”(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life.” My favorite part was probably the ”I’m Comin’ Atcha” sequence, during which a snapping Tony magically became flanked by fellow professional ballroom dancers and they all approached Cheryl as if to say, with their footwork, ”Sorry, Miley video ran slightly over, so it is already time for you to run into the lift!” Cheryl and Tony actually debuted an extended version of this routine during a pro exhibition in season 2 with musical guest Bill Medley.

Ashley and Macy will be welcomed into the esteemed DWTS Losers Club by founding member Jeffrey Ross and officers Penn Jillette and Kenny Mayne. ”I wasn’t elegant…I’ve let it go,” explained Kenny, who will never really let it go because he loves coming back. I liked when he got called a loser on the street by a random heckler, as if everyday citizens harbor deep disgust for Dancing With the Stars week 1 rejects. ”Piss off!”

I rather enjoyed Adam Carolla’s mean-spirited ”pep talk” to the eight men and am a bit jealous that he got to taste Mark Dacascos’ spray tan (”the secret ingredient is: DHA solution!”) and hurl a patriotic donkey piñata at the floor. Earlier, Sean Kingston, surely the DWTS target audience’s favorite reggae fusion singer, dropped by to lip-sync ”Face Drop.” The presentation and his backup dancers reminded me of a recent Selena Gomez for Sears back-to-school commercial. Can’t win ’em all.

Okay, DANCMSTRs, after 72 hours of madness, it’s time to hibernate until Monday. That was a bit drastic; at the very least I plan on taking a nap. Leave your comments about last night’s eliminations and guesses as to which jewel tone Samantha will be swathed in next, in the comments!

Follow Annie on Twitter: (@EWAnnieBarrett)

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