Dancing with the Stars recap: A Real Threesome
NOTE: Click to see Annie Barrett’s Dancing With the Stars, and find out who walked away with the mirror ball trophy.
On Monday night’s Dancing With the Stars performance finale, Mya, Kelly Osbourne, and Donny Osmond danced a final standard or Latin, barely kept up during a daunting “Megamix Challenge” (what is this, Jock Jams? I wish!), and attempted to wow us with the dreaded/revered freestyle round. More shocking than any of the performances was the fact that this episode was only 90 minutes long. What did you readers do with your extra half hour? I spent a good deal of mine coating my laptop with a fresh coat of spray tan because you can never be too safe, googling ”where to buy cute gray hat with leather strap that Kelly Osbourne wears during rehearsal,” and weeping that we didn’t get to see the DANCMSTR vanity plate a single time in season 9. WTF? I refer to this jerk by his cutesy moniker for an entire season and he can’t even validate my insanity with even a glimpse of the reasoning behind it?! The exploding mirror ball of frustration within my heart has vomited out this short poem:
Not one shot of that stupid license plate —
Has this show even less decency than I thought?
Do I need to start calling him ”Len” now?
Because hell to the no I will not!
Lame. Anyway, be sure to read through my photo gallery of The Final 3’s Best/Worst Dances throughout the season. I picked two “lights” and two “shades” for each Star, most of which were highlighted by the contestants themselves during their retrospectives. Do you think any of last night’s dances overruled their previous personal Bests? I’m thinking Donny and Kym’s freestyle did, for sure. “Oh!” grunted Mr. Vegas to close out the show. He cannot help himself. Every single time! Except when he’s sad. But he’s not sad right now, because he’s about to win a big ol’ ball of glitter.
For the last time in 2009…WILL THE JUDGES PLEASE REVEAL THEIR SCORES? CARRIE ANN INABA!
Mya and Dmitry Chaplin: 30 + 30 + 27 = 87/90 ”The power of Mya, unleashed for all to ad-miyah!” Thus spoke Bruno while thrusting a bit. I don’t know, was this really worth a perfect 30? She was quick and competent as usual, but I wasn’t so wowed. I agreed with DANCMSTR during his tutorial, when he was urging Dmitry to push Mya’s limits. ”Get it up,” he shouted at her leg. ”Kick my arm off. This girl can do it!” It’s so true. I’m not sure Dmitry has ever demanded ”too much” from her, whereas other contestants tend to seem strung out on a near-hourly basis. It’s part of the fun of the show. Anyway, Mya’s name was spelled out in giant lights behind the platform, in case we had forgotten it. Their outfits were highly reminiscent of Maks and Mel B.’s ”Free Your Mind” paso from season 5, and the dance seemed familiar because I vaguely recall Louis choreographing a pro demo that used ”We Will Rock You” in season 8. (Sara and Jesus from So You Think You Can Dance season 3 also danced to ”We Will Rock You,” but it was a crazy sped-up ”bonus version” of the song.) I found this music really distracting. Not to harp on the Best Band in the Land, but it takes a very rare guitarist to pull off the Brian May solo from that song. Why even include that?
NEXT: Donny and Kym’s subliminal ploy for the Mirrorball
The producers gave Dmitry a bit of a villain edit (or did they?) as their rehearsal footage suggested Mya was against his ”You Can’t Stop the Beat” idea from the start, and instead wanted ”her chance to be an artist, to be free,” and to ”make history” and stuff. Her proposed method for history-making: ”Vegas.” It was not meant to be. Dmitry was drawn to Hairspray like Samantha Harris is drawn to…hairspray. Anyway, Hairspray is cute, but ”You Can’t Stop the Beat” is more of a group dance — Dmitry would know, having danced a group version of (Lacey’s brother!) Benji and Donyelle’s SYTYCD Broadway number while on tour after season 2). So having just the pair of them was already somewhat underwhelming. Besides, it just wasn’t a daring enough selection for someone who needed to let her own personality come across in the dance. Something more random or outlandish along the lines of their ridiculous/awesome ’70s samba would have been more memorable and showcased something unique to her. Still not sure what exactly that would be! I also think Mya and Dmitry really missed out on the ”limitless lifts” rule. This is the freestyle! You don’t have to show us of the intricate contours of your crotch, but you do need to get up there a few times and at least taunt us with the possibility.
Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson: 27 + 28 + 30 = 85/90 We pause for some breaking news: Gilles Marini is now a member of the Osmond family. Donny and Kym performed the Latin dance they hadn’t tried yet: the cha cha cha, set to ”September.” Donny displayed some hip action. It was a miracle! Bruno called Donny ”a credit to his profession” because he was able to withstand a small Italian man who is fond of imagery and alternating fits of fancy and unfounded rage shouting directly into his eardrums for an hour and not emotionally shut down. Forget the disco ball, give this guy the Medal of Honor. Speaking of disco balls, just when I thought Kym could not possibly look hotter than she did in a sports bra and jammie pants, she went and donned that voluminous silver fringe number — another odd construction (like the ”chandelier” one for their feverish quickstep) that bloused away from her body as she spun. Astute PopWatch reader Emily points out, ”If we’re doing hidden gems, I found it hilarious that in Donny’s first dance, Kim’s outfit looked like the mirror ball when she twirled and it puffed out. Very coy!” Indeed. And for the record, we are always doing hidden gems, from here to eternity.
How convenient: Jonathan and Marie were on hand in Vegas to torment Donny and Kym as they rehearsed for their freestyle. Donny was good and Broadway/Vegas/Hollywood showbusiness-y, blah blah blah, but honestly, Kym is just the best. I used my phone to take this grainy photo of my TV just so I could capture one of the many, many moments at which I’ve thought to myself and to Twitter, ”This is why Kym deserves to win a disco ball.” We all make weird decisions sometimes. Speaking of which, my mom just wrote in an email, ”You knew Kym would come out gangbusters. She is experienced and always works Donny hard.” While I wrap my head around a world in which my mom knows and employs the word ”gangbusters,” try to remember the last time you saw Kym finish a dance without at least one section of hair stuck to her lips. These are tough tasks! Believe me, I know. Being a Dancing With the Stars fan can be hard work.
NEXT: Will Kelly really survive?
Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Intensité: 26 + 26 + 24 = 76/90 Kelly’s Argentine tango was a drastic improvement on her week 2 tango. They’re different dances, of course, and this one allowed for some pretty dramatic leg flicks and often astonishing dips carried out by Louis but pursued with reckless abandon by a now-much more trusting Kelly. Carrie Ann swung by their rehearsal, presumably in her Lift Police cruiser, to give Kelly some very good advice about maintaining a level of intensity with her partner. This seemed especially appropriate because her partner’s last name is ”van Intensité. A quick cut to the audience post-dance indicated that Ozzy approved of it greatly, and so did Denise Richards. Whew! DANCMSTR laid it on thick: ”You epitomize what this competition’s about. You’ve had very little or no dance experience. Through hard work and perseverance, you’ve made it to the final.” These would all make excellent bullet points on a resume…if the job up for grabs was a waitress at the D-Mya diner who had to polish Len’s desk every night, maybe. I loved how the crazy crowd booed when Bruno had the audacity to award Kelly an 8. The horror!
Bruno’s critique of Kelly’s ”I Will Survive” freestyle was that she has never looked more beautiful, so that should give you an instant refresher course on how badly it went. She did look great though, and I am confident that if Dancing With the Stars had its own spacecraft — God/Lord Mirrorballus help us — it would be shellacked in the same silver jewel-encrusted material as Kelly minidress (complete with bottom-fringe). This performance was one of my favorites ever. Once Kelly missed a simple arm-rolling sequence, it was only a matter of time before she fell on her ass to create the rather memorable illusion that Louis had ”pooped her out.” But you know what? She did survive! What I really loved was that all audience members with visible faces were still grinning even as they sat back down from their standing O. Kelly’s nonstop giggling after the dance and during panel was priceless, too. As Bruno so sweetly put it, ”Sometimes people fell on the floor” during the days of disco. ”It’s all part of the night!” True. Also: Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, but you should always lose a white satin Elvis cape, and they pulled that one off without a hitch.
P.S. I loved that backstage makeup bit with Kelly — it was much more liiiiiiiiiive-like than the hammy staged crap we (and the participants) usually have to endure. More of that next season, please!
NEXT: Megamixing it up
Seasons 2 and 3 alum Nick Kosovich choreographed the ”Megamix Challenge,” in which all three pairs danced side-by-side in a medley of Viennese waltz, samba, and jive. After the waltz section, the men ripped off the ladies’ hideous solid-color full skirts. I totally thought they were going to free the damsels from the long-sleeved distress of their sequined deep-V sweaters between the second and third legs, but it didn’t happen. Shock of the season. It was difficult not to watch Kym during this mess — she was the only female pro, and she and Donny were front and center. Even though the judges deliberated after the dance (we could hear them!), I don’t really buy that the (1) Mya, (2) Donny, (3) Kelly ranking was a last-minute decision. I don’t think it was the wrong decision; I’m just saying. Could they even see Kelly and Louis from their vantage point? Hmmm. Potent notables from the rehearsal segment for the Megamix: Kym helpfully pointed out that Kelly and Mya are young enough to be Donny’s daughters, Nick and Kelly had a tender moment on the steps when he attempted to mitigate her paranoia with a hearty ”Good girl,” and Nick’s crazy sweater vest won Non-Hidden Gem of the Week.
Don’t miss my esteemed colleagues and dance television critics-in-training Michael Slezak and Tanner Stransky discussing last week’s round of routines in EW.com’s Réalité video series! The DWTS segment is the fifth one down, but trust me, you really will enjoy the hell out of them all.
Okay, DANCMSTRs, chat about last night’s routines and nominate your Hidden Gem of the Week, in the comments! I’ll see you here tomorrow for the last recap of the season. Sniff! What will make you cry harder: that or Find my Family?
Follow Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett