The Bee Gees, Alicia Keys, and Leona Lewis all perform, and another star goes home leaving the final three
Dancing With the Stars | Kelly's got the crowd with her bubbly personality but will her little spill really cost her
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Surprise, America! Joanna Krupa was not your favorite Star of season 9. It was certainly not a surprise for Joanna and Derek, as they must have been informed of their fate long before the liiiiiiiiive show if they were that prepared to perform their entire Viennese waltz again. I loved that, by the way — Joanna remained composed enough to pull off the routine in all its Disney-princess glory, and it looked kind of epic as the pair twirled and our majestic credits rolled. Sorry! I just don’t remember this ever happening before. I’m sure anything straying from the typical stand-and-sway would seem epic to me. Samantha could lay out extra judges’ paddles into simple multiplication tables and I’d be like ”Ooooh! Sparkly! Epic!” Anyway, congrats to Hugh Hefner’s fave for making it this far, but major ”Hallelujahs” are in order for Kym, Louis, and Dmitry, the latter two of whom have never been in the finals. In fact, it’s the first time in five seasons that there will be neither a Hough nor a Ballas in the finals. I just realized I’m rooting for the three of Our Pros as much as if not more than the three Stars!

I can’t believe I wasted so much time on that informative opening paragraph when I should be (dancing) describing the world premiere of a new music video for Queen’s ”Under Pressure” that debuted exclusively on DWTS last night! Dear Lord Mirrorballus, what a slopfest! It reminded me of when Idol does those cheesy music videos/glorified Ford commercials that say ”American Idols” at the beginning as if the kids are the real artists. Except this was way worse. You know I loved it. Mya, pleading with no one on a random rooftop? Donny, pleading with a mirror to let him out? ”Whyyyyyy?” indeed. I did have a brief freakout, though, as I could not have anticipated the brutal ripping of a sequined costume and the hurling of an innocent disco ball against an unforgiving brick wall. My shrieks of ”Noooooooo!” woke a baby who lives a few blocks away from me. I’ve since recovered, have a newfound respect for people who can lip-sync correctly, and I’m going to be just fine.

”It was a dark and porny night…” as the dancin’ cast of Nine showed up to perform a routine set to Bruno’s favorite song, ”Be Italian.” There was so much writhing and crotch-centric movement that I fully expected Derek to run out there and join in the general debauchery. I appreciated how the dark red backdrop was torn just like the dancers’ costumes (but probably less Italian). Later on, Alicia Keys, the first of two guest singers who happen to look like Edyta, stopped by to sing ”Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart.” This performance taught me that although I enjoy the concept of turquoise thigh-high suede boots in theory, I do not in practice. The shiniest part of her look was her hair; this is simply unacceptable ballroom attire. Then Edyta-face number two, vocal powerhouse Leona Lewis, performed ”Happy” from an advantageous perch high above the smoke machines. I became obsessed with her feet, which barely moved, and realized that if her skirt was full-length, she could have easily fit her backup dancers under there and not have hurt them at all with her scary stilettos.

NEXT: Hidden Gem

Robin and Barry Gibb sang ”You Should Be Dancing” as an alternative to merely telling everyone, ”This would be the easiest way for you to solve any problem.” Cheryl, Tony, Chelsie, and So You Think You Can Dance season 1 alum/past Carrie Ann flame Artem Chigvintsev quickly cleared the way for Melissa and Tony to turn the dance into a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders routine. It was great, though Melissa was inexplicably barefoot. Maybe the final four had mistakenly set her ballroom heels on fire while they were under pressure. If you think the idea of Melissa Rycroft and the Bee Gees on stage together sounds weird, try hitting pause on your DVR when she joined the Gibbs for their Awkward Red Room Waving Segment. That’s like two cheeseburgers for the price of one at Denny’s. My favorite pause-worthy moment of the night, though, was Ozzy’s non-reaction to the Bee Gees. Perhaps he should’ve been dancing (yeah-eh)!

Our Pros took some time to explain their Tuesday night choreography process…on a Tuesday night that featured only one pro performance. Weird. Loved it! Louis summed it up well: It’s maddening to be the person in charge of 10 dancers — correction, 10 egos. (Harsh cut to Mark Ballas!) Cheryl and Maks seem to get along well, probably because they spend an extra hour each day working out to their own Latin Cardio Dance DVD. I watch that every day too, but seated. I’d like to officially plead with ABC for a brief filler segment like this every Tuesday. Just footage of Our Pros goofing off and telling each other they stink would be great. And get Anna Tre-Bun-skaya and Edyta to narrate the whole thing. Thanks!

Josie nominated ”the drummer who made a peace sign with his drumsticks,” and was seconded by Little One. Melissa thought ”it appeared that when they focused on the trumpet player during the theme song intro, he had several mini rhinestones on the lenses of his glasses (although it could have been a reflection).” I am cracking up just imagining how into one’s job one would have to be to put rhinestones on one’s glasses. I think this could be my favorite illusion-based gem ever. Kelbel2880 complained, ”There was a complete lack of close-up of Princess Sparkle. Not seeing the full detail of her head piece embellishments is very disappointing”…but Foxy chose to look on the bright side, pointing out that a rare glimpse of Princess’ leg was a worthy substitute for what we already know is there. I geeked out pretty hard when I realized this shot contained both Princess Sparkle and my new favorite Ensemble member, enthusiastic chimes lady! Thank you to everyone who made nominations for such inspired gems — especially Colleen, who took notes.

Okay, DANCMSTRs are you happy (like Leona Lewis) with the final three? Chat about it in the comments, and I’ll see you Tuesday morning….liiiiiiiiiiiive.

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