Donny and Kym have a hard night as the final four perform three dances each
Donny Osmond
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

The semifinal showdown on Monday night’s Dancing With the Stars featured The Entertainer, The Dance Machine, The Wild Child, and The Glamour Girl. I believe these people do have real names, but who can be bothered to remember them in the presence of Gilles Marini, enthusiastic chimes lady, a dramatic key change within the traditional DWTS theme song, and the compelling visual of Samantha Harris throwing down the final beats of said theme song with a full-body jerk comparable to the shtick typically employed by Derek as he’s in danger of no longer being lovingly framed by a camera? Not me, I tell you. Just kidding, I know their names very well by now — everyone’s except Mýa’s. Here we go.

Mýa and Dmitry Chaplin: 87 out of possible 90 I should be banished to life without sambarole for this, but until last night I had not noticed the accent on the y in Mýa’s name. Had they always included it in the little vote box? Am I a moron? Don’t answer that. Mýa and Dmitrý’s waltz was ”like love set to music,” said Bruno, because the song they danced to had been sung in Italian. The spotlights for their waltz were a bit too blinding for my taste, but did succeed in emphasizing that Mýa’s bra top and diagonal half-bodice boasted the touch, the feel of mirrorball, the fabric of our lives.

The couple’s ”La Isla Bonita” salsa for the Latin round turned out to be my favorite of their dances so far. Maybe watching her childhood package from the floor just before dancing caused Mýa to let down her guard a little, because she suddenly seemed more accessible to the audience (and DANCMSTR, who unabashedly admitted, ”I was mesmerized by your buttocks”). Right at the start of the salsa, Mýa unbuttoned Dmitry’s jacket from behind. Things were starting to make sense already. Also logical: the rotating orbs shooting out rainbow beams from the platform that looked like they should be free weights for Disco Ballroom Barbie. And you can never go wrong with a hair part that doubles as a ditch for fallen glitter. Mýa clearly had a blast during her high-energy solo, and you could tell she’d really let loose when she eagerly hugged Tom after the dance. I’m so glad all of this happened; I didn’t like seeing the best dancer in the competition as someone who at times seemed to almost resignedly go through the motions.

The pair missed out on another perfect 30 for their knockout dance, the cha cha cha, because something about the beginning wasn’t speaking to Carrie Ann. About midway through the five-second dance, Dmitry ripped off Mya’s skirt to reveal green fringed boyshorts, and I suddenly realized that the reason I thought her costume had been boring was that there had been simply too much material on her lower half. DANCMSTR complained that Bruno’s tendency to shout was ”gettin’ on me wick a bit,” but his facial reaction right after Carrie Ann squawked in his ear was a true Hidden Gem.

NEXT: Joanna and Derek’s spectacular salsa

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough: 81/90 Without realizing it, starting with the music-box twirl, I watched Joanna and Derek’s entire Viennese Waltz with my head at a 45-degree tilt (to the left, but I replayed it to the right and that looked fine, too). Joanna’s Disney princess gown performed this dance very well; whereas I thought she was just okay. Hilariously, the singer for ”Hallelujah” changed the line ”The minor fall, the major lift” to ”the major fill” or something. Was it just a mistake, or did the singer deliberately avoid setting off Carrie Ann’s police radar? This could turn out to be one of the most intriguing unsolved mysteries of the series, like ”Why did Julianne leave to pursue a singing career?” or ”Who poisoned Marie’s Fiji water?” or ”Has anyone seen Heather Mills’ dignity?” Carrie Ann said Joanna needed to ”understand why you’re reaching” during her extensions; perhaps special guest Brooke Burke could have helped her realize that the answer is ”so that Derek doesn’t have a meltdown.”

You know I love me a nice pair of red fringed pants. I just wish Joanna’s were a tiny bit longer. Maybe I’m nuts and that would have messed up her groove, but my fear that she was missing out on a crucial inch of inseam overpowered my brain to the point at which it could not easily be guided into oblivion by the mere presence of fringed pants. It was a new experience for me, and one I would not like to suffer again. That wasn’t really much of a solo in Joanna’s cha cha cha, but getting those few seconds of posturing out of the way allowed Joanna to mouth more of the words to ”Can’t Get You Out of My Head” for our benefit. ”Ooh, I just can’t get you out of my bed,” said Bruno, to which Tom quipped ”I can’t help but think she’d find her way out pretty quickly.” I like when Tom responds to lines more than a minute later, so that I have to really use my tilted noggin to figure out which noun is supposed to be at play. I might have assumed he’d been referring to Planet Mirrorballus in general….

Joanna and Derek’s knockout dance, a hot-pink salsa, revived Derek’s now-signature crotch-bobbing move for what was probably not the last time this season. The dance looked a lot like their competition mambo, actually, but with less balance overall. ”I’d love to see you in the finals,” Carrie Ann assured Joanna. Duh! You judges have been practically guaranteeing she’ll be in them for weeks.

NEXT: Kym’s wardrobe malfunction

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Intensité: 78/90 First of all, R.I.P. to one of the Tribbles (the tiny dogs Kelly had been taking care of) featured in last week’s Hidden Gem (appropriately, ”99 Luftballoons” contains the line Everyone’s a superhero/ Everyone’s a Captain Kirk). ”The new Kelly” was able to set aside her grief to focus on a Rumba routine she described as ”more spiritual than it was erotic.” Similarly, Dancing With the Stars is more of a spiritual experience than an erotic one for me (and no amount of Donny’s post-dance full-body quakes can convince me otherwise), so I can relate to that. DANCMSTR awarded Kelly the distinction of ”absolutely competent dancer,” and Carrie Ann explained why Kelly wasn’t as naturally gifted as Mya (long lines) and Joanna (extended neck) before describing Kelly’s unique quality of reaching right into her heart and making her love her. Sounds messy.

Kelly’s quickstep…actually, it’s weird that I’m writing about this second (and that she performed it second) when the three other couples performed ballroom before Latin. What happened there? I hadn’t noticed until just now, maybe due to costuming — Kelly’s rumba outfit fit in with the other women’s standard, monochromatic gowns while Kelly’s printed quickstep frock was much more jaunty for round 2. Bruno said Kelly seemed like Speedy Gonzales in her quickstep. Things are getting dire, people. Quick, someone throw some fresh soil into Bruno’s Public Garden of Flowering Imagery before the finals!

Kelly already dresses like ’80s-era Cyndi Lauper, so the choice of ”Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” for her and Louis’ knockout cha cha cha was perfect. These third-round routines were so short! Sharon Osbourne’s face said ”What? It’s over? It already happened?” while Carrie Ann’s mouth said — in this order — ”You had such a great night; I love watching people’s hands.” This train of thought was almost surpassed by Samantha’s ”You were dancing beyond the bunions; sorry, we have to wrap it up here” backstage. I liked Louis’ subtle dig at Derek’s salesmanship as he promised that he, too, had some good freestyle ideas up the sleeve of his bespangled leather jacket.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson: 74/90 Donny acts like he’s having a big O after each performance, so I didn’t really know what to make of his post-tango reaction. He just stood there, swaying against Kym with a solemn blank stare, then seconds later flung himself on the ground in frustration. He’s done this when excited/aroused, as well. If we hadn’t seen a strip of material from the bottom of Kym’s gown join the couple for a threesome during the tango, I might have mistaken Donny’s self-effacement for one of his typical ”I did it! I really did it!” displays. But of course, we’d noticed the many stumbles, especially when it was difficult to take one’s eyes off of the shiny gold underbelly of Kym’s dress anyway. Aw, too bad for Donny, but he really doesn’t need to start berating himself before he even approaches the table. The judges will do it for him soon enough! That Marie joke didn’t work, either, and Tom bringing her onstage to fulfill some sort of weird throwback to the siblings’ variety-show banter (while they’re in separate rooms, no less) was not a great choice. I did like Marie’s seemingly ”Black and Gold”-inspired print dress.

Donny’s Latin round went much more smoothly, and he even incorporated a hip jerk into his samba solo that was similar to the one he performed on TV when he was 5. He definitely enjoyed himself here, and I enjoyed that his sparkly suit was also pinstriped! Obsessive types around here will recognize the zoom-in on Donny’s booty-shake as another Gilles throwback. By the way, Gilles: No one’s buying that you strove to seem uncomfortable during your Rectagon tenure. For their samba, Kym’s purple frock went perfectly with Donny’s getup. It’s a bit ironic, and tragic, that Kym’s ballroom dress provided the worst wardrobe malfunction of the season when she is consistently the best-dressed out of any of the women, pro or otherwise.

Kym somehow even rocked that bright green/bright pink scheme we’ve been catching glimpses of all season. The pair’s knockout dance, the jitterbug, earned them their top score of the evening, a 27. The judges agreed Donny had ”gotten his mojo back,” according to Carrie Ann. I’ll be surprised if Donny doesn’t make the finals, despite his fourth-place finish. I’m guessing his ”how he became a competitor” package can only work in his favor. I liked the honesty his son offered with the line, ”I know the ’80s were really difficult for my father.” Hey, pop quiz: Can you guys name the four seasons specific to Utah? Let’s make a game of it.

Press play below for DWTS video goodness: Donny’s horrifying-but-hypnotic ’80s paso was featured in ‘Sound Bites’, and Michael Slezak and Jessica Shaw gave Joanna and Derek’s futuristic paso doble the highest possible compliment — ”I wanna watch that s— again!” — in ‘Réalité’.

Okay, DANCMSTRs, time to set up a tent to create the illusion that you slept next to your computer in anticipation of tomorrow morning’s recap. See you then, and in the meantime, nominate your Hidden Gems of the Week in the comments!

Follow Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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