Another star goes home as Michael Buble and Susan Boyle perform, and DanceCenter returns
Dancing With the Stars | Joanna seemed to be a good sport about the DanceCenter guys' jokes about her laugh and comparison of it to a seal's bark
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

‘Pop Star Aaron Carter” twirled softly out of the orbit of Planet Mirrorballus last night, leaving only some crushed red velvet and a trail of tears in his wake. That old wanker Len Goodman had some choice words for Aaron before he left: ”You’re an inspiration to all young people that anything is possible. If you were my son I would be so proud of you.” The words sound a little overwrought as I read them at 1 a.m., but at the time they seemed perfectly profound and for the sake of Aaron and his bewildered-looking cheering section, I’m glad they were uttered. I even sobbed a little. What? Come on, it was a rare emotional DANCMSTR Moment! Also, I was really sick yesterday. Quit judges-leaderboarding me and let’s move on. When the judges all stood up to say goodbye, I became obsessed with Carrie Ann’s sparkly forest green gown as well as Aaron’s slight hesitation while he gauged whether his new daddy wanted a kiss in addition to a handshake. (No.)

DANCMSTR chose Derek and Joanna’s Futuristic Paso Doble (LOL) for the week 8 encore. I had no problem with that considering I have ”Living on Video” playing out of my laptop right now (nerd alert!), plus Joanna and Derek haven’t danced a solo encore yet. Oh, look, Hugh Hefner and his stable of bucking blondes had no problem with it either! It was kind of weird that DANCMSTR made a point of explaining why they hadn’t chosen a D-Mya dance, though. Yes, it’s what we were all thinking, but why call attention to it? Next time it might be more subtle if the judges all wear D.E.R.E.K. pins over their hearts.

Maks, Cheryl, Jonathan, and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya created a fun partner-switching kaleidoscope with musical encouragement from Michael Buble’s ”Haven’t Met You Yet.” I loved the reincarnation of Brooke Burke’s quickstep dress from season 7 (on Cheryl) and Melissa Rycroft’s quickstep dress from season 8 (on Anna). Michael Buble seemed to be wobbling around a lot. Does he lose his balance like that on purpose? He is not required to dance! Later on, my favorite Mysterious Pros yet danced to Buble’s rendition of ”Feelin’ Good.” Whoa, Tom mentioned their names at the end, amidst deafening applause! Heroically, I was able to decipher the word ”Agnes,” and by the power vested in me by a simple Google search can now inform you that these fine people were Urs Geisenhainer and Agnes Kazmierczak. His face was a dynamic cross between Louis and Derek, and she gave off a Carla Gugino vibe, all curvy and glam…she kept exclaiming ”Pah!” — silently, I’m guessing, but one can never know from the confines of her sickbed/sofa.

Susan Boyle belted out ”I Dreamed a Dream” as Tony displayed Chelsie’s crotch to the audience in case they’d been missing its unique contours over the past few weeks. Chelsie was not wearing shoes; I dreamed a dream that she was but then realized I was actually awake and merely remembering a similar Tony/Julianne pro dance. The wall-of-sparkly-beads backdrop for Susan was even more special than I’d expected, as was her festive gown, but I think the highlight of Susan’s visit ended up being the multiple ”awkward backstage moments” when she just kept waving and then nodding after each wave. Oh honey, no! So cute.

NEXT: Hidden Gem

Aw, I missed DanceCenter. I especially missed Kenny Mayne’s eye makeup and face jewels this time around. Maybe he recently had an affair with Princess Sparkle and now avoids any reminders of her. Why would I even type that? It’s the delirium talking. Anyway, I thought it was pretty weird that Kenny, Jerry, and DANCMSTR declared Mya as the winner, then threw her out the window at the end of the segment. They should sell that DWTS diorama/board game, though — it would make for an excellent two-pack with my upcoming book The House of Flying Swaggers and Disco Ball Dreams. Plenty of gems in this season’s DC, but my favorite part was the player card for Dmitry instead of Mya as a clueless Mayne pretended he was the celebrity in the partnership. ”HOT RUSSIAN: Doesn’t speak English…Occupation: Soap Star?” And Dmitry’s average score was just ”Perfect.” Other highlights: Joanna as ”the girl next door, in Poland” and her seal laugh, Kelly’s string of expletives, a truly random Stacy Keibler cameo with Donny and Bruno in the Red Room of sex, lies, and videotape, and Jerry Rice’s ”There’s no crying in ballroom,” which was funny but obviously incorrect.

Jane Seymour was about 30 times more excited for Sabrina and Mark’s Design-a-Dance than Tom, but that’s probably because he’s mentioned it at least 30 times. The ”Eye of the Tiger” paso doble was powerful and technically proficient but good luck getting anyone to remember anything about it except the three odd visuals seared in our memories forever. Commenter bqueen helpfully points them out: ”her face in his crotch, her crotch in his face, and his face nestled in her bosom while she has that look on her face.” The weirdest part was at the beginning of that sequence, when she straddled his torso and kind of waddled across it, as if pesky mechanics had suddenly gotten in the way of the fun-lovin’ couple trying out a complicated new sex position in front of millions of people and LaToya Jackson. At least we can take comfort in knowing some things never change: Sabrina was still the same hue as a Cheeto…and, this time, her dress. Speaking of which, design-winner Zachary Fisher was so adorable with his matching orange tie.

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