Two more stars go home and Rod Stewart and Colbie Caillat perform
Dancing With the Stars | Aaron looked like he was ready to blow with the pressure of anticipation, but it was Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos who went home
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Another week, another non-shocking double elimination on season 9 of Dancing With the Stars! NFL star Michael Irvin got the boot first, and everyone is a little sad because he was friendly and exceedingly into it. It’s unlikely we’ll miss much about his dancing, but we may very well miss his abs (see next page). Michael will miss the roaring studio audience most of all, because it’s nice to hear something like that ”when the economy is so bad.” Random! Later, after a dance-off between Mark Dacascos and Aaron Carter, the stupid judges sent Mark home, even though Aaron has been in the bottom 3 like forever. We’ll miss you, Mark. Your Dancing With the Stars tombstone in my mind shall read: ”He Liked To Move It.”

Did he ever. Mark’s knock-out dance featured some of his favorite tricks and leaps smushed into 30 seconds, plus two cartwheels. If he’d stuck with just one, maybe he’d still be around! But no; the judges weren’t going to facilitate Aaron Carter’s imminent emotional breakdown just yet. Not before a seismologist visits Planet Mirrorballus to assess possible earthquake damage to its delicate crust, at least. (Filler segment alert!) Michael and Mark were two of the most likable kids in the cast this season, so it only made sense that all 14 dancers — even Lacey, who looked like she wanted to pass out — joined up for a rousing Group Ring Around the Rosie at the end of the show. Screw Group Mambo! And screw my DVR for cutting this mega-moment off.

Did anyone notice Joey Fatone in the front row behind Tom last night, checking in with the monitor every so often to make sure he was on camera? The return of the *NSYNC-er coincided nicely with the debut DWTS performance of The Ballas Hough Vanity Project. Yes, Mark Ballas and Derek Hough are in a boy band, party of two, and they have a single called ”Move.” Their voices sounded like computers, but they were dancing at the same time, so, you know, priorities. Appropriately, the line they seemed to ”sing” the most often was ”Watch your body,” which happens to be their favorite activity provided there is a mirror in the room. I loved the guys’ efforts to partner the two lucky backup dancer girls. One hand for m’lady, one hand for m’mic! There was also a lot of crotch-grabbing. I did not see any closed hold during this dance, I’m afraid. DANCMSTR does not approve.

Rod Stewart shuffled in to sing ”It’s the Same Old Song,” which it wasn’t because I can still remember when he graced Planet Mirrorballus with ”Hot Legs” way back in season 3 and Edyta and Kym graced him on the dance floor with their legs and general presence. This time, Stewart — who seemed to have really caught the dancing bug near the end of the song — was flanked on both sides by two stock couples from what is turning out to be a very tightly packed stable of Mysterious Unnamed Pros who only get to come out and eat oats and apples and soak up the spotlight every other Tuesday night or so. Show their names on-screen or something! It’s not like we’ll remember them, but their parents could use the screengrabs for their scrapbooks. Do people make scrapbooks anymore? I hope so. If I wasn’t so accustomed to conducting my entire life on the Internet, I’d get on that right away.

NEXT: Hidden gem

Colbie Caillat fit a little better into Rectagon culture, with her DWTS-appropriate bedroom hair and skirt length. Alec and Edyta joined Colbie for ”Fallin’ For You.” As I’ve said before, I love when the real-life couples dance the exhibitions because you know these people literally dance in their sleep and since they sleep in the same bed it’s just so much extra practice time. Near the end of the dance, Edyta whipped her head up from the floor a split second after Alec’s mightily kicking leg would surely have clocked her unconscious. This kind of timing can only be mastered in the bedroom. Speaking of which, Alec’s suit looked like a robe. I just googled ”Robe Suit” and cannot understand how no one has capitalized on this market. Randall Christensen, get to work on the ‘DWTS: From Bedroom to Ballroom and Beyond’ line. Edyta’s costume, on the other hand, consisted of two bandages overlaid with the scalp of a medium-sized disco ball. She looked exactly what I now wish Ariel would have looked like at the end of The Little Mermaid, when she’s emerging from the deep in a sparkly light purple gown just after she becomes human. Ariel’s look is already very DWTS; I just wish it were a bit more Signature Edyta. It’s kind of sad that a Disney-owned 2009 television series has me wanting to retroactively tweak a 1989 Disney classic to essentially make it a bit more trashy.

This week’s useless filler segments featured one with everyone in rehearsal gear in a creepy warehouse setting that is usually reserved for the final 3 or 4 — WTF, DWTS, I cannot handle such unforgivable inconsistencies! — and another during which the ‘Stars’ told us something we already know: It is difficult to not know what is going to happen. This was almost as illuminating as Donny the Frog Prince’s elimination-night blazer.

Hidden Gem of the Week: The gems of IAA Louie and Mark and Lin paired up pretty nicely. Wrote IAA: ”Right after Michael Irvin danced, the audience member they cut to was SSSOOOOO amazed by Michael Irvin. Her mouth was WIDE open. It was all teeth and gaping maw. She also mouthed Oh My God, which was the icing on the unintentionally hilarious cake she was baking.” Lin wrote in: ”My gem was not hidden at all: Michael Irvin’s washboard abs in the interview following the team dance.” Kahuna chimed in: ”I’ve been admiring his physique for weeks. But I didn’t know he had it going on like that!” Irvin’s abs also caused Lorie’s mouth to drop, Sue to use four exclamation points, Orville to demand a ”hidden gem photo zoom-in,” and Ken to go to the gym after work. Did you go, Ken? You better have gone, Ken.

Hidden Gem runner-up, from Ceballos: ”At the beginning of the Team Tango rehearsal, Joanna went in for a high-five with Kelly, but Kelly went in for a hug…When was the last time someone actually pulled off a successful high-five on TV?” Good question. It certainly wasn’t last season on Idol, with the ill-fated Seacrest-Scott MacIntyre attempt!

Upset about Mark and Michael? What about Mark and Derek? How will you survive five whole days without exposure to the spray tan petri dish? Talk about it in the comments, and I’ll see you DANCMSTRs next week!

Episode Recaps

Dancing With the Stars
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