Dancing with the Stars recap: One Disenchanted Evening

Well! We already knew that last night’s results show would be uneventful, considering there was no way the show would lose a whole week’s worth of ad revenue by expunging two contestants in the same week. But I had no idea Tom would basically redefine ”uneventful” by not even giving that announcement its own complete sentence! Instead, he attempted to make a huge deal out of who would have gone home if not for Misty’s ankle injury — and then Sam amped up that mystery into the devastating news that the person who should have been going home last night…was Rocco. Okay then. The whole thing was so awkward, even for DWTS. Many thanks to Karina’s ever-amusing bevy of annoyed faces for keeping me in the game during these hard times.

Rocco’s big ”scare” aside, the most dramatic part of week 3’s results was definitely my attempt to answer The Big Question of the Night: Would Misty May have worn legwarmers for the jive, à la Edyta? We will never know. Actually, I do, and the answer is no. Watching my two fave pros ”shake it” out left me both titillated and sad, much like the feeling I get after eating a giant Reese’s Pumpkin. Maks looked geeky-fab in his very short, tight pants that did not contain sparkles, while Edyta looked just as ridiculous as usual in her three-inch skirt that did.

You may have noticed that Edyta wasn’t hitting the moves that hard during the portion of the jive in which Misty injured her ankle. Maks told me after the show (listen to our interview, below) that Edyta had to ease up there because that particular section of the dance floor has injured a bunch of people this season. HELLO?! This is a giant occupational hazard. I don’t even have a half-assed joke to insert here. Fix it, show. Jeez. Or at least talk more about the cursed patch of ballroom floor in that treacherous filler segment about injuries. It would coincide so well with Halloween! But, I guess, so would the impending lawsuits, in a rather ghoulish way.

Kool and the Gang showed up to perform a musical medley that seemed lip-synched at some times and like real singing at others. I can, however, confirm that their six accompanying dancers, whom the Gang apparently found in a seedy bar circa 1979 and then preserved on ice, were not in sync 100 percent of the time. But that’s okay. We’re just spoiled by the level of dance talent on the show — as we should be. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t totally delight in the three women’s dripping-gold sequined fringe, and how they all had the exact same hair. And speaking of impressive levels of sameness, the Radio City Rockettes nearly put me into a sequined fringe-induced trance with their tight buns — both types, to be clear — and really high kicks. (Maks’ were higher!)

NEXT: Maks phones in

Meanwhile, Jennifer Hudson performed her latest single, ”Spotlight,” as multiple spotlights followed the chains on Julianne’s G-string around the floor. Oh, and all the way up to the judges’ table, where she writhed around right on top of DANCMSTR for a good half a minute. That was pretty unnecessary and very awkward, almost like watching parents at a dinner party marvel at what a great dancer one of their friends’ daughters is. The daughter just happens to be a stripper. Even so, Julianne and Derek’s frantically fast routine was still wow-worthy, and coincided almost too well with that rather odd choreographers segment, when those guys named Julianne and Derek right away as their favorite DWTS pros. Brian Friedman, Dave Scott, and Travis Payne’s comments were definitely interesting; they just seemed a little out of place as Friedman and Scott have guested before on So You Think You Can Dance. I don’t mind crossovers, but I wonder why the producers insist on more and more of them as time goes on. They could stick to the ballroom world and I don’t think anyone would mind. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! Just like Toni Braxton.

What do you think, dancemasters? Are brown-eyed people better than blue-eyed people, as Cloris claims? (Hell to the no!) Is Lance a rebel just because he says he is? And do you think Rocco will get a surge of votes after being the first contestant to be named dead last yet remain on the show?