The stars face the music, while Jessica Simpson performs her new country songs
Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: Countrified blues

Uh, oh! There will be no more ”glitz and glam” for ”reality TV star” Kim Kardashian, whose dreams of coming back to ”wear a few more outfits” have been crushed by a resounding ”6-6-6.” Good thing she has another, somehow more ridiculous reality show on which she should feel free to waltz around in a different sparkly candy costume whenever she likes. (May I recommend Airheads? So many flavors! Just stay away from ”Mystery,” as it simply would not apply.)

Kim’s elaborate send-off included a 10-second interview and a few chords of ”See You Later, Alligator” (ha!) to send her off into the breezy land of pretty things — and shopping, and nails, and somehow having other people accept that you purposely operate with the vocal register of a baby doll — from which she floated in.

The producers had me fooled pretty good, after dropping a fake-out clip of Corky landing on Cloris during Monday night’s paso right as Tom’s voice-over asked Who will be sent home tonight? Good one, though since they’ve done this every week since the beginning of time, my usually masterful DWTS interpretation sklils must be as rusty as Cloris attempting to stand up on her own.

”Fat Boy” Morpheus and his lovely partner Kymity got the encore call from DANCMSTR this week, and somehow managed to screw up the ending with an even funnier and more baffling pleather malfunction than the one from Monday. Tuesday’s involved a more demonstrative right-thigh pull. Bonus! (During our chat last night, Maks said when he put on Warren’s pleather bathrobe, he looked more Honey, I Shrunk the Kids than The Matrix. Awww.)

Then there were two pro dances, set to the unfortunate warbling of a petrified-looking Jessica Simpson. I’m not sure how Maks and Cheryl managed to keep straight faces, let alone focus on their rumba, while the gone-country singer’s rendition of Robbie Williams’ ”Angels” sounded like a bird was dying on stage. But it was tons of fringe-y fun to see So You Think You Can Dance faves Anya and Pasha back on our screens, especially since the setting seemed both likely and unlikely at the same time. I particularly enjoyed how her shoes and armbands matched his bright red tank.

NEXT: Maks calls in

If that opening sequence of Step Up star Jenna Dewan jerking around draped in body bulbs wasn’t enough to get you excited about general fitness, I don’t know what would. Wait, yeah I do — Latin Cardio Dance with Maks and Cheryl, of course! But that DVD’s so complicated, whereas when I started uncontrollably bopping my head to every last beat of Brian Friedman’s appropriately titled number, ”Neon,” I (mistakenly) truly felt like I was kind of participating. Do you ever imagine you’re doing the same exact moves as the impossible creatures on screen, even though you’re just sitting there like a nerd, boppin’ your head and doin’ a Dew? Sigh. Me too.

A couple of classic results-nights filler segments rounded out the show. ”The Red Room” delivered some news we’d already received (Cloris enjoys talking), and plenty more we hadn’t. Rocco needs to be weaned off his pacifier-as-phone. Warren’s finally found his number-one fan, and it’s neon green. Misty can catch things in her mouth! (I bet she’d catch way more Reese’s Pieces thrown by American Gladiator Wolf than I did.) And Cody, quite adorably, keeps getting lost backstage. As for the judges’ intercontinental lovefest, Bruno and DANCMSTR Make an In-Flight Porno, the best part was definitely the juxtaposition of the pulsating background music with the scintillating confessionals of the two men naming all the days of the week.

What do you think, DANCMSTRs? Can Cloris remain upright without Corky’s assistance for another week? Which stars need that extra day of practice the most? And be honest: Does season 7 really have you all that jazzed?

Episode Recaps

Dancing With the Stars
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