The likable Steve Guttenberg scores lowest and goes home, but not before dancing an all-male tango and confessing how he spends his off hours
Steve Guttenberg, Dancing With the Stars

”DWTS” results recap: Happy defeat

Aw, poor Steve Guttenberg. He was so into it. He thought Dancing With the Stars could make the world a better place! He believed he could learn the language of dance! Alas, our favorite lady who lunches (with the show’s resident Designing Women) got sent home last night. There’ll be a lot less earnestness backstage from now on, and a tragic dearth of freestyle rap, unless the producers decide to take the April Fools’ gimmick a bit too far and persuade Samantha to conduct all her week 4 interviews in rhyming verse. Hah! She couldn’t. (April Fools’!)

At least the judges had the (in?)decency to award the results-show encore to the beautiful ”mango” that Steve and Jonathan had so painstakingly rehearsed all week. A mango and Kylie Minogue in the same night — wow, Adam Carolla’s right! This show is kind of gay! Totally never noticed that before. Anyway, I’d assumed Priscilla and Louis would get the encore, but once I found out Steve had been eliminated, picking him did make more sense. And a universe that does not highlight Steve and Jonathan toppling over each other on a rose-strewn ballroom floor (in HD on DVR so I can play it back in slow motion) is quite simply a universe I’d rather not exist in.

Steve’s elimination was fairly surprising, though, considering the judges’ icy reaction to Tony and Marissa’s flaccid, plaid-encrusted jive on Monday night. I thought she’d get the boot, or Adam. Marissa’s confessionals grated a bit, especially since she was shown saying, ”I was totally expecting 8’s” and ”I got a 19 and I’m totally shocked,” in two separate segments. God, we get it! Tony looked miserable the whole time she spoke, by the way. As for Adam, he clearly conceives of the show as a cosmic joke — and while he’s right in doing so (I mean…hello), I’m surprised that the type of people who bother to vote keep voting for him. Ah, the power of radio! Last night, Adam expanded his repertoire of backstage humor to include the electric chair and the notion of knocking Kristi’s gold medal ”right off her.” Silly, you can’t do that. Kristi’s gold medal is forever safe within a double-secret mini igloo within her soul.

Disclaimer: I love Kylie. No matter what you think of the Australian pop princess, she is the perfect musical guest for this show. You can say her voice was flat; I’ll say at least she was singing live! You can say her two outfits and misguided wig were atrocious; I’ll counter by wondering if this is the first time you’re tuning in! Bathed in pink-and-purple floodlights atop a stage that’s arguably 97 percent glitter, the woman was in her element. Kylie bopped around the ballroom floor herself during her new single, ”All I See,” then let Mark and Julianne take over performing a PSA for the ever important cause of Lookin’ Tacky during ”Can’t Get You Out of My Head.” The way Tom introduced that song as one of the most popular dance hits of the decade made Julianne and Mark’s performance very Solid Gold-esque for me. FYI: Derek was supposed to dance with the Guppy and the Golden Girl, but he strained his neck during rehearsal and had to be carried away on a stretcher yesterday afternoon. He’s currently doing fine. I sound like a doctor right now. Hell, if Dr. Pepper Schwartz gets to be one, so do I.

Eight of the 10 contestants — everyone except Mario and Adam — participated in a subtle-for-15-seconds ”How do you relieve stress?” April Fools’ segment that, as far as results-show packages go, was pretty hilarious. I loved how seriously all the stars delivered their lines. I’m guessing Kristi had to do the most takes while deadpanning that she’d won regional and sectional hot-dog-eating competitions and is now training for the nationals. Priscilla and Marlee must have had no problem, because Marlee’s a pro and Priscilla…well, is it that far off to imagine her owning a psychic hotline? If you think about it, how does Priscilla Presley not have a psychic hotline attached to her name by this point? Just sayin’. My favorites, though, were Jason’s ship-in-a-bottle hobby and Shannon Elizabeth very convincingly typing out an e-mail about some convention in Anaheim to the MacGyver Fan Club, of which she is obviously the president.

Continuing last night’s winning streak: the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater’s exhibition. They performed a truncated version of Revelations, Ailey’s masterpiece, which debuted in 1960. This explains the anachronistic costuming, but we’re all used to DWTS‘ anachronistic (and on Monday nights, otherworldly) costuming by now. As a whole, the dance was a refreshing change of pace from the usual Macy’s Stars of Dance circus. Unfortunately, my version was even more truncated, because 90 seconds into it, some ABC News dude popped up, picture-in-picture, to inform me of a nasty tornado warning in New York. He was all ”I’m sorry to interrupt Dancing With the Stars” even though he clearly wasn’t. I couldn’t hear, and could barely see, the rest.

NEXT: Are Kristi and Mark made for each other?

All that time Dr. Pepper spent rambling about partner compatibility really could have been put to better use, like letting Steve have his final words at the end, don’t you think? Basically, all she told us was that the celebs should submit to their pros if they know what’s good for them, Julianne is apparently an introvert, and Kristi and Mark are ”just perfect for one another” and are ”gonna be the couple to beat.” Whoa, I feel winded from that barrage of hard-hitting, classified information. Does anyone else feel like a refreshing soda?

What did you think? Did the stress-relief package have you fooled for a minute? Wouldn’t Marlee’s volunteer narcotics cop be an awesome choice for her next role? Will Priscilla and Louis get a second chance at the encore? And was this the right time for Steve to leave?

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