Despite donning a fake butt, Shannon Elizabeth is eliminated; plus, Cristian de la Fuente decides to tough out his injury, and DanceCenter slams the Yam
Shannon Derek

”Dancing With the Stars” recap: Body parts

Tom and Samantha certainly toyed with us up to the last few minutes concerning the precise condition of Cristián de la Fuente’s bulging bicep. Even though the ruptured tendon in his left arm will require surgery, Cristián has decided to continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Chilean Sea Bass. Ugh. I’m fan of his, and fish, but what a doof. ”Ruptured!” ”Surgery!” How can these keywords have no impact on him? If I got that diagnosis from my doctor ”five minutes ago, on the phone” (wha?), I’d already be under the gas. Tom seemed alarmed, too — during Cristián’s little interview, he exuded a ”This worries me” vibe that made me wonder if we may need to start calling him Tom Gunn.

I do understand Cristián’s decision — Dancing With the Stars is currently the biggest career boost around. It’s just that having functional limbs strikes me as a somewhat more substantial life perk. And yet most of us would rather see Cristián back next week than Shannon, so…all of this is moot. It’s all about our needs, after all. Good work, my aquatic friend!

So Shannon ”Legs” Elizabeth leaves instead, and my only remorse about this situation is that I didn’t come up with the nickname Shannequin weeks ago. (What the hell was I thinking? ”Needs a hip replacement,” most likely.) But even if you were pro-Shannequin until last night, the treacherous ”low blow” DanceCenter footage of her whacking Derek in the junk probably made you at least okay with last night’s outcome. That partnership turned sour rather quickly, huh? I blame the concept of showmance and the pair’s relentless willingness to play along. By this week, they didn’t even seem to enjoy each other. When Shannequin was going on and on backstage about having ”fake boobie pads and fake things in my shoes, and fake hair, but I have real nails, and real shoes, and real polish,” Derek’s requisite polite smile clearly conveyed ”Can you kill me now?” (And last night, the follow-up: ”Good!”)

This week’s encore: Jason and Edyta’s Monday Night Quickstep. Props to Jason for presumably not passing gas during the dance, although that could have explained his hapless handstand at the end, which left him face up and panting on the floor, probably whispering to Edyta, ”Was it good for you?” He also switched up his interplay with the judges — instead of flinging a stack of ”notes,” he bypassed the two expectant boys entirely and just blew a kiss at Carrie Ann. Jason is so good at improv. He should go on Top Chef!

Oh, and DANCMSTR announced a new rule that’ll work in favor of Jason, Kristi, and Mario: Next week, each couple can execute one lift per dance. To paraphrase: ”In your face, Cristián!”

NEXT: The genius of DanceCenter

Ah, DanceCenter. It’s like this ridiculously rich pink cupcake I’m eating — when it’s right in front of me, I get an overwhelming sense that there’s no reason I shouldn’t have this all the time, but such repetition would probably deplete its extra-specialness. Still, what a treat. Jerry Rice is into glitter now, and Kenny Mayne’s excessive makeup, featuring that inexplicable eye stencil, was as terrifying as ever. As usual, my favorite parts of the segments were the ”notes” on the players’ stat screens, which no one actually read out loud. Mario: ”Brother called Luigi.” Shannon: ”Needs a hip replacement.” Kristi: ”Perfect in every way.” And so on. Kristi’s part actually seemed the harshest, critique-wise — DANCMSTR called the Yam ”one-dimensional,” to which Kenny added, ”She’s a robot.” But we shall not take this stuff seriously, especially when Jerry’s contribution to this important breakdown was a rather turned-on delivery of ”Yama-hoochie!” The trio had nothing even fake bad to say about Jason Taylor, though. Kenny said what was on all our minds — ”What a specimen!” — and DANCMSTR couldn’t think of a fault, so he just blamed Edyta’s choreography.

They covered a lot of hilarious ground, though — stuff like Mark’s distracting guppy faces and Shannequin’s tremendous laziness — that most people haven’t seen analzyed on-screen (unless they watch DWTS Talk on, of course). Speeding up Marissa’s speech = genius. Pointing out Tony’s freakishly white teeth = fun-necessary. Not to mention ”Mario McCheese.” Kenny even referred to sea bass! He must have been flirting with me.

Tom could barely contain his giggles about Jason’s flatulence after the second DC segment (he even made the mental connection from farts to ”elimination”), and his giddiness didn’t die down until the scary tendon talk toward the end. I loved how Tom was totally cracking up when Samantha and her ’80s hair screeched the second intro for Def Leppard. The arena rockers showed up to lip-synch two songs and delude us into thinking smoke was really fire. For ”Pour Some Sugar on Me,” six DWTS pros lurched around in Cheryl’s favorite paso gear: the open-faced Ursula the Sea Witch-inspired pleather dominatrix costume. (A classic!) Mark Ballas performed his spinning-leap-into-kneel move, because he must do that every night the show airs. Later, American rhythm champions Jose Decamps and Joanna Zacharewicz kept the Def Jam fire burning with a sexy routine to the new single ”Nine Lives.” I obviously enjoyed Joanna’s scandalous (even by DWTS standards) costume, featuring a feathery train and diagonal back strings, but ignoring Jose’s brilliant V-crotch shirt (like a V-neck, but the V digs deeper; for more information, look up ”Tony Dovolani”) was definitely a mistake. Thank God for DVR! Also realized upon rewind: Cristián can now model himself after Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen, who proved you can totally rock the ballroom floor with just one arm.

What do you think? Is Cristián’s decision to keep dancing foolish or brave? Are you happy with the new lift rule, or does it give some couples an unfair advantage? And who will miss Shannequin and her ”bionic bum”?

Episode Recaps

Dancing With the Stars
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