The entertainer faints and falls to the floor -- liiiive! -- during the judges comments; otherwise, Latin night is pretty much by the rumbas

By Annie Barrett
Updated August 04, 2020 at 11:34 AM EDT
Credit: Craig Sjodin

‘Dancing With the Stars”: Marie Osmond faints

This week’s otherwise mostly unremarkable Latin night will probably go down in the rhinestone-encrusted vault of DWTS history as the Night Marie Osmond Fainted, and not as the spiciest dancefest of the season. (The Night Mark Cuban Was Still There for Some Reason just isn’t as catchy.) If you weren’t convinced that this show is really shot ”Liiiiiiiiiiive” — well, now you have proof. Bonus points go to Tom Bergeron and Marie’s partner, Jonathan, for demanding a commercial break for Marie, stat. Samantha, on the other hand, gets an F minus for her handling of Marie: ”You thought fainting would get you 10s?” Not exactly. And half a point off for the audience, many of whom laughed as soon as Marie went down. Though to be fair, for a second, I totally assumed she was fake collapsing as well, in an effort to make one of her typical lighthearted yet drama-queeny points. OMG — I’m going to hell. (Visit’s PopWatch to see a clip of Marie’s fainting spell and to comment on the most shocking moments you can recall from live or unscripted TV.)

If you go back and watch Marie and Jonathan’s entire segment, it really doesn’t seem that surprising that someone naturally prone to fainting would do so after that whiplash-themed samba they performed. There was excessive head banging, tons of spins, and a general sense of bewilderment throughout the dance — definitely not their best effort. Even though we didn’t get to hear all of the judges’ comments, they let us know they weren’t too impressed via a score of 21 out of a possible 30 — the same score as Cuban’s, and Marie wasn’t even outfitted as a nerd. Her dress looked more like a Disney-princess ballet-recital costume for a 5-year-old. Or a cupcake.

The night’s other respiratorily challenged female star, Scary Spice, fared much better with the samba, scoring her first 10s of the season (29/30). She and Maks went all out with this dance — having landed in the bottom two last week, they basically had nothing to lose. Maks’ choreography was flashier and more creative than usual, and I liked the way they ran all over the place and climbed the platform again at the end. The eternally teased Spice Girls reunion segment — filmed during Mel’s video shoot in London — was a wee bit less momentous than you might have expected. But what exactly did I expect? Scary pinning Maks on the floor with her spike heel, telling him, ”Ya gotta get with my friends,” before all six of them performed a group paso doble while sipping high tea to a cacophonous Harold Wheeler Orchestra rendition of ”Be Our Guest”? (Kind of!) Still, the footage we did get was pretty cute, especially Geri Halliwell asking Maks, ”Who are you, then?” Fab!

Jennie Garth and Derek Hough’s samba (25/30) wasn’t as loose and bootylicious as Scarily Spicy Salsa’s. Jennie is still thinking through her dances instead of feeling them, and the judges haven’t let her off too easy yet. I don’t think she’s in any danger of going home, though, because she’s been so damn endearing during rehearsal footage lately. Jennie’s expression and squeaky-nerdy ”Oh!” upon seeing hip-hop choreographer Aisha Francis relentlessly shake her thang in the middle of an empty room was priceless, as was basically everything about their ”lesson.” Many of the stars on this show get more annoying as we get to know them better; with Jennie, it’s the opposite. I hope she follows Bruno’s advice: ”You have to keep the puff going.” Apparently Bruno loves to smoke weed in group settings. Raise a jazz hand if you’re surprised!

The fourth and least effective samba victim? Computer user Mark Cuban. ”I’m not a great dancer, but I do have the ability to communicate with people,” said Mark, apparently the only person in Los Angeles with access to a magical thing called an Internet connection. In the geeky spirit of Mark and Kym’s ”I’m a Nerd Who Dreams of Jeannie” dance, I’ll admit I thought it was hilarious that we not only got a close-up of Cuban’s Gmail but could also see some of his bookmarks (”French class,” ”African Safaris — FAQ’s,” and…wait for it…”MySpace.” Among 117 others.) That dance was some kind of awful, but like Cameron and Edyta’s ”Superman” paso last week, at least it committed wholeheartedly to a gimmicky theme and stuck with it at all costs. In this case, that cost was borderline simulated sex between Mark and Kym, and DANCMSTR uttering the phrase ”Rub it hard.” Mark earned straight 7s (21/30) and then complained: ”I was hoping for a higher prime number.” Except there isn’t one under 10. Maybe he thought he deserved an 11?

NEXT PAGE: Let’s get ready to rrrrrrrumba!

The rumba gang scored a little higher on average than their samba buddies, possibly because they plain old had to move less. This was not the case for Sabrina Bryan, whose rumba with Mark seemed quicker paced than the others — or maybe it was just jam-packed with flair. The dance wasn’t as slow and sensual as I’d always gotten the impression from DANCMSTR and the others that rumba should be, but that didn’t stop the judges from doling out the high scores, including a 10 from Bruno (28/30). Even if it was more frenetic than expected, this was my favorite dance of Sabrina’s so far. It also reminded me of what a highly trained dancer she already is. Sigh. I thought Sabrina’s a– kissing of both DANCMSTR and Mark’s mother, Shirley Ballas, (”Does it make you a little uncomfortable, to be sexy with my son?”) was a little much. And did anyone else notice how they edited last week’s footage of this couple’s paso doble to make it seem they ended with the music instead of way after?

Edyta Sliwinska (26/30) got into the Halloween spirit and dressed only in cobwebs to deliver the sexiest rumba of the night. Oh, Cameron Mathison is the star? Whoops! Just kidding — both dancers were very good here; it was just difficult to keep from marveling at Edyta’s uncanny likeness to a particularly graceful strand of cooked spaghetti. What made their segment extra delicious was the sheer ridiculousness of Cameron’s good friend Susan Lucci stopping by to give Edyta pointers on how to be sexy. ”Really gorgeous, really something,” she yapped from the corner of the studio. Really one of the most useless (yet most hilarious) guest spots ever!

Jane Seymour‘s rumba tied with Cameron’s. I’m not sure I’m on board with that, because as lovely and fit as Jane is (this is basically all anyone could talk about tonight), I didn’t see much movement to her and Tony’s rumba. Some of the transitions were fluid enough, and the woman can extend her legs like a mofo, but the dance’s pace was slow to the point of stationary at times, and the pair used about 15 percent of the floor. An impressionistic footprinted painting of this week’s dance would look horrible above Jane’s mantle, unless she and Tony therapeutically filled in the gaps with bottles of spray tan. I do have to give major props to Jane for slinking it up with a near-Edyta-caliber barely there costume, but I want to see her delve a little deeper into some sort of groove with these Latin dances. The elegant-ballerina gimmick might not hold up for too much longer.

Former front-runner Helio Castroneves bottomed out in the rumba group with a score of 23, and the points off were mostly due to the performance aspect of his dance. Namely, the judges didn’t think he had chemistry with Julianne. It’s kind of sick that the judges are always like, ”Come on, fool, it’s Julianne. Get it together and get aroused! Man up for the 19-year-old girl!” Regardless, Helio’s facial expressions did him in tonight. If you’re into things that are awful, go back and just watch his face throughout the performance. It’s kind of horrifying. The rumba is all about acting, which he simply cannot do. It’s just unfortunate, much like the black spangly mock turtleneck he had to sport this week. As soon as Helio gets another dance he can grin through, he’ll probably fare much better.

What do you think? How badly did Marie’s collapse freak you out? Who wants to Gmail Mark Cuban for the hell of it? And which stars are in a position to go home tonight?

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