Everyone except Kate Gosselin attempts to get into character for Week 5's film-inspired routines

By Annie Barrett
Updated April 20, 2010 at 04:00 PM EDT
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Dancing With the Stars

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Last night was Movie Night! Brooke Burke dressed as the huge piano in Big. Tom Cruise lookalike Jake Pavelka showed 20 million people his Risky Business tighty-whiteys before mercifully yanking on some special ballroom sweatpants. Erin Andrews wore the wrong color wig to become Mia Wallace. And Kate Gosselin has never seen The Breakfast Club. Again and again, her partner Tony looked directly at the camera, gaping in disbelief at the strange, alternate plane of ”reality” in which his life now takes place. It’s hard out there for a ballroom pimp who has to babysit a yawning, delusional grown-up.

Before we get to the all-important judges’ leaderboard, you may wish to watch this clip of Mugatu from Zoolander. Just imagine that Brooke Burke is the one screaming ”I invented the piano-key necktie! What have you done, Derek? You’ve got nothing. NOTHING!” in an effort to keep him her former dance partner on his toes.

Refreshing, right? It’s the most edge Brooke has shown all season. Thanks, Will Ferrell. Now, will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough: 29 out of possible 30 Tragically, Nicole and Derek’s Pretty Woman-inspired shopping spree seemed inauthentic as Nicole was wearing a gorgeous floral print dress I would desperately love to own instead of a hooker outfit. Oh, and someone should have ordered a pizza. Pretending to spend over $27,000 was, of course, the logical way to get Nicole into character for a skillful but jarringly urgent tango. Nicole’s ”I’ll cut a bitch!” attitude suited the sharpness of the dance, but it really had nothing to do with the movie. Julia Roberts’ character was savvy and sly, but I’ve never thought of her as angry or fierce. Maybe I’m taking the movie-night thing too literally. Here’s a more legit, dance-specific complaint: Nicole definitely finished at least a beat off the music at the end. Which is fine. But if the routine wasn’t perfect, why give it a 10? Even Nicole and Derek looked shocked to to hear that DANCMSTR thought the tango was Nicole’s best dance and to get perfect scores from Bruno and Carrie Ann. ”Every moment, you could have taken a snapshot and it would just be art,” said C.A. I would like to prove her wrong with a few screengrabs of open-mouthed Tango Fish Face (copyright Mark Ballas), but instead I will accept that art is highly subjective and move on.

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya: 27/30 Despite an inexplicably sped-up ”I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” Evan and Anna performed a ”clean routine.” (Love that skate-speak from Evan.) I liked how the only references to their film, Armageddon, were as broad and sweeping as their exquisite rumba extensions: ”Sweet and romantic” (has she seen the movie?) was the only direction Anna gave, theme-wise. And then I think her dark blue, sparkly gown was meant to represent outer space, which would make Evan the astronaut who wants to get it on with his true passion, the exploration of the galaxy. The holes in Evan Lysacek’s awareness of the universe perfectly mirrored the gaping cutouts of his partner’s UV-rayed torso. I’m sure Buzz Aldrin could have elucidated for days on this topic. The point is, these two looked hot, danced all slithery, and deserved to place on par with Nicole and Derek. Also, I would not have been shocked in the least if the orange-hued Evan was supposed to be an Oompa Loompa and Anna was, like, the tattered navy lining of Willy Wonka’s tremendous violet coat. Oompa Loompa doompadee do, I’ve got another nuzzle for you….

NEXT: Don’t try to take Jake to a disco

Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower: 23/30 Jake’s been told he looks like Tom Cruise, you know. He doesn’t see it at all! Neither does anyone else, but Jake still took it upon himself to go Shirtless With Pilot Credentials & Volleyball like Top Gun Tom Cruise during rehearsal footage, and then Pantless With Wooden Spoon like Risky Business Tom Cruise at the beginning of his and Chelsie’s cha-cha. Jake has got some beefy thighs. DANCMSTRs, help! The Bachelor is growing on me. He’s kind of a tool, but that can really only help when you’re a Dancing With the Stars contestant. I like that he just does whatever crazy crap Chelsie has prepared and isn’t afraid to look stupid, which he always does. This dance was a mess. Even Chelsie was cracking up during their slow ‘n’ sexy hump/sway. The judges loved it! Carrie Ann in particular loved ”the whole package.” I very much enjoyed Chelsie’s dazzling silver fringe.

Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 22/30 During the rare portions of the jive in which she felt like she could keep up with the over-achieving Maks, Erin was hitting her marks with lightness and energy. I thought so, at least. But then Carrie Ann said she seemed a bit fast, like she was anticipating everything, and then Bruno said this was Erin’s ”best timing ever — you didn’t go wrong once.” Overall, I’m glad Maks is giving her such tough routines because she does seem up for anything (and you know her exasperation with him is just for show when she’s bothered to practice and then deliver a perfect ”misogynistic Maks voice”). DWTS lifers will remember Apolo and Julianne’s Pulp Fiction jive from season 4 — same mystifying blonde wig, too, but Apolo had a ponytail and did not spend a third of the dance studying the ”COCKTAILS” menu, and Julianne wore a sleeveless shirt with nude shoes. Speaking of shoes, how come Nicole and Derek got to go on a Rodeo Drive shopping spree, while Erin had to create her own movie-night back story by throwing around her own ill-fitting shoes? If Maks really wanted to make like Vincent Vega there, he could have at least given his Mia Wallace a foot massage. Sidenote: “You stubborn Russian!” should probably be a t-shirt.

Pamela Anderson and Damian Whitewood: 21/30 Pam Anderson will see Jake Pavelka’s ”spin while stepping” prowess from last week and she will raise him some FURNITURE! What was that?! Were those chairs and table bolted to the ground or at least stuck with the double-sided costume tape usually employed to cover Edyta’s left nipple? As amazing as that prop-climbing sequence was, the problem with Dolly and Damian’s quickstep was that it was just way too slow. I’m glad Damian’s not over-challenging her technically, but I think she could do more. I’m glad Pam’s hair was finally off her face, and I really liked how they were maneuvering around the edges of an enormous clock. Like sands through the superimposed clock on the ballroom floor, so are the 9-to-5 Days of our Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! From Hollywood!

NEXT: Did Kate Gosselin spend the ’80s on this planet?

Niecy Nash and Louis van Amstel: 18/30 Niecy loves to shimmy, and she’s good at it! Try as she might have to pull off all that complicated jive footwork, we all knew those steps were merely the random bouts of careless foreplay leading up to her four significant shimmy sessions. She even forecasted when the shimmy-showers were headed our way with her alternating concerned/giddy facial expressions. ”Get ready… BAM!” Niecy’s final bam was the biggest red-lipstick kiss DANCMSTR’s acre-spanning forehead has ever seen. The judges criticized Niecy’s lack of sharpness but loved that she was finally able to show her fun personality within a routine. Per Tom’s one-off suggestion, I vote for the ”celebriquarium” to officially be re-named The Bazooka Boutique. But Niecy delivered my favorite line of the night: ”Before Dancing With the Stars, what I was doing to stay in shape was NOTHING.”

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke: 18/30 I get that the tiger print for their quickstep was meant to suggest the Cincinnati Benglas or a general ”jungle fever” quality to the whole thing (Bruno’s words, not mine — ugh! Bruno, no!), but to really be true to The Jungle Book, Chad could have dressed in red trunks like Mowgli and Cheryl could have dressed in gray fur to be Baloo, the happy-go-lucky bear who teaches the man-cub that ”Mother Nature’s recipes” do not include giant bling-rings and repeated attempts to woo one’s dance partner into an increasingly awkward showmance. Cheryl was steadfast in her ”extremely professional” approach to the ballroom this week, and I thought it showed in Chad’s technique. Then he had to go and undermine her again with his ”we have plenty of contact” retort to Carrie Ann. ”A lot of that felt like silent movie night,” quipped Tom. It was all pretty awkward.

Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani: 15/30 Kate’s foxtrot was even more ”catatonic” (said Bruno) than her usual ”strolls ’round the floor” (said Len). The real drama of the week: Kate is tired, because she has kids, and after ”a nice visit from eight little friends,” she’d spent so much energy on them that she couldn’t muster up enough big-girl gumption to behave like an adult with her professional dance partner. Oh, and the real reason Kate is tired is because she’s been promoting her book all week. How has this human never seen The Breakfast Club or the silly dance move that looks like swimming? Was she raised on this planet? I am increasingly suspicious that the only elements present in Kate Gosselin’s orbit are cameras, film crews, the vague concept of her kids, newspaper articles about her, magazine articles about her, online articles about her, and other TV segments in which she appears. Occasionally, her hair.

Commenter TorontoTom has the perfect antidote to George Lopez’s mind-boggling Keep Kate campaign: ”Can’t George Clooney organize a telethon to FREE TONY?” TorontoTom writes. ”Or Quincy Jones could gather some pathetic B-list singers to record ‘USA FOR TONY.’ Somebody do something before it’s too late!!!”

Were you satisfied with Movie Night, or were last Tuesday’s previews more entertaining than the Week 5 routines? Who goes home tonight? Remember to nominate your Hidden Gems of the Week over at PopWatch, and I’ll see you tomorrow for the elimination recap!

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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