The first dancer of the season goes home with great sadness; for consolation, there's Uncle Jesse and the Beach Boys, the Len Commandments, and a Hidden Gem of the Week

By Annie Barrett
Updated March 31, 2010 at 04:00 PM EDT
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Dancing With the Stars

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Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas were the first couple voted off Dancing With the Stars last night. It’s okay. She’s pretty sad — according to my colleague Lynette Rice, who interviewed Shannen after her elimination, she couldn’t stop crying — and her dad’s really cute. But I sensed a hint of relief during her on-camera interview. Shannen will begin the healing process as a muscle near Mark’s knee begins the process of detaching itself from the bone. They are in this together, partners ’til the end. (Mark won’t be able to dance for six weeks; Shannen would have been paired with his father, Corky, next week.) Shannen’s now rooting for Evan Lysacheesecake. ”Love you!!! Kick ass for us please!” she recently tweeted.

Shannen and Pamela Anderson, who had decent scores, landed in the bottom two instead of the lower-scoring Kate Gosselin and Buzz Aldrin. The untalented but adorable old dudes always stick around a few weeks, so that’s no surprise. And while it seems like most people on the internet hate Kate Gosselin, she must have a decent fan base of people who earnestly watched Jon & Kate Plus 8 and enjoy her patented brand of bitchery. I don’t think many anti-Kate people are voting for her just to keep her miserable. Think of Tony! I also don’t think people would bother to vote for everyone except Kate, you know?

That’s the problem: If you could vote against someone, Kate would be eliminated light years ahead of everyone else in a NEVER BEFORE SEEN elimination measured by light years. Oh, well. From the producers’ standpoint, Kate’s staying power is no problem at all. This month’s DWTS premiere ratings were the highest ever. Kate’s death stares willed them to be so. She is almighty. Read Lynette’s post-show interview with Kate and Tony, here. She talks about her face!

NEXT PAGE: DANCMSTR, cue the thunder!

Personally, I base my belief system on an even higher power than Kate Gosselin, so you can imagine how I rejoiced when I saw that DANCMSTR of the Universe had prepared his followers a handy guide to The Len Commandments. There were only seven, but I can add three more: thou shalt wear polka-dotted ties on results night, thou shalt emphasize the second syllable when scoring a Star a ”seh-vennnnnn!” (7), and thou shalt incorporate thy vanity license plate into a segment this season so the EW.com readers won’t think Annie is extra-crazy for referring to thee as ‘DANCMSTR.’ Honestly, I’m not sure how the show will ever top the visual hilarity of a swearing Edyta’s head exploding into a ball of fire.

Cue the thunder! Michael Jackson’s choreographer Travis Payne presented a ”ballroom fusion” routine by 10 of 11 of Our Pros. The whole thing was more ”sexy pop video” than ”ballroom,” but honestly, does anyone object to Our Pros playing video hos? We’ll take them any way we can get ’em. The ladies channeled the Pussycat Dolls in their sparkly silver-and-black costumes and high boots, and of course Derek fronted the most hip-hoppy portion of the group’s collective writhe. Later on, six of Our Pros danced again to a shaky yet sweet medley by Not Quite the Beach Boys featuring John Stamos as we traveled back in time to the halcyon days of Full House. Maks/Cheryl, Damian/Ashly, and Louis/Anna (steamiest!) donned their sunniest oceanside outfits for a fairly standard Tuesday routine. John Stamos was very glad when it was over.

The first Macy’s Stars of Dance routine of the season was a spirited tribute to Wyclef Jean’s homeland of Haiti. We heard from mambo champ Emmanuel Pierre-Antoine, who was teaching in New York when the earthquake hit and, upon returning to Haiti, couldn’t find his young son. ”I’m sorry. He’s gone. I’m sorry he’s gone.” Oh, man, was I weeping at this. The whole segment was a rather brilliant way to keep everyone aware that Haiti needs help within the context of that power on high which can keep the world united and happy: dance! The ”Hips Don’t Lie” routine itself was incredible, with each of five red and black-clad couples whipping each other around more powerfully than the next. They were like Our Pros on a mild amphetamine, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Adam Corolla hosted the first of what could be a recurring results-night segment, ”Between the Mirrorballs.” It’s kind of like Zach Galifianakis’ ”Between Two Ferns”, except Adam gets to rip on his chosen celebrities from the safety of his own little studio. Adam tallied Buzz’s various space-inspired casualwear (just think of how many more astronaut tees are on their way), suspected that a hydrogen peroxide dunk tank had driven Pamela and Damian insane, called out DANCMSTR’s inability to count, alluded to Edyta’s possible daddy issues, and feigned disbelief that Bruno and Elton John are gay. No. No way. Even Elton?

New co-host Brooke Burke has an early wake-up call, kids, and her very own DWTS parking space.

NEXT PAGE: Did we pick your Hidden Gem of the Week?

Hidden Gem of the Week So many of you contributed Gems that I went a little nuts.

April provided a nice background layer with her not-so-hidden gem, the ”crater effect” applied to the ballroom floor for Buzz Aldrin. Jenn67 and CleverShrew pointed out something I’d only subconsciously realized: ”Chelsie’s dress was an exact replica of the dress worn by Cha Cha DeGregorio in the National Bandstand dance-off.” I had to include that just because Jenn knew or bothered to figure out Cha Cha’s last name. Katja enjoyed the way Ochocinco was clapping his hands ”vertically, if that makes sense.” Sure it does! Josie was weirded out that ”Erin and Kate were wearing the same outfit (lilac shrug with black tank and pants)” during rehearsals. ”Coincidence??” Probably! Another jen nominated ”the man who was sitting behind DANCMSTR with his mouth wide open the whole time.” Similarly, Shel and Potato Bug were appalled by the gum-chomping guy sitting at floor level who, according to Shel, ”seriously reminded me of a cow in a meadow.” Kaye enjoyed how Evan’s skating coach, Frank Carroll, copped the same expectant, grim expression we recall from the Vancouver Olympics as he waited for his Star to be judged. And finally, Tracy was ”so happy to see Louie Vito.”

My Twitter buddy Lulukins99 even screen-grabbed her own. ”My DWTS hidden gem: the cameraman with lady legs.”

Will you miss Shannen and her dad? Is Kate’s staying power already turning you off? Do you enjoy being reminded of Melissa Rycroft? Remember to submit completely to the Len Commandments, DANCMSTRs, and I’ll see you next week.

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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