Melissa Etheridge performs, and Bachelor Jake heads home, where Vienna waits by the light of the moon

By Annie Barrett
Updated July 30, 2020 at 04:49 PM EDT
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Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC

On the week 6 elimination episode of Dancing With the Stars, it was bye-bye to commercial pilot and Tom Cruise lookalike Jake Pavelka. Big dreamer Jake, who can’t imagine what in life can top something like Dancing With the Stars, called season 10 ”the best season of Dancing With the Stars I’ve ever seen.” He’s probably never seen the show. If he had, he’d realize that when people get kicked off, they’re supposed to talk about their partners! After being prompted by Brooke’s synthetic ponytail to address Chelsie, Jake called her one of his best friends. Not sure how Chelsie felt about that. It generally seemed like she never really understood anything he was saying. She’d just nod and bravely smirk. What the hell was he ever talking about? Why was he thanking Canada? Silly, tied-down Bachelor.

If anyone wants to see an unflattering closeup of Vienna pretending to be upset that her man will no longer be spending all of his time dancing with a younger, hotter blonde click here. You know you’ll miss her! No. You won’t.

Chad and Cheryl received orders from DANCMSTR on high to perform their Argentine tango as the encore. A fully clothed Maks and partner Erin were announced as safe first, and then the rest of the show was a ploy to get us to think Evan and Anna were ”in danger.” You see, ”Evan has fallen from heaven,” and having to stand under a red light on a reality show is reasonable punishment for a naughty angel like him. Niecy and Louis shared the ”real” bottom two with Jake and Chelsie, so Pamela and Damian avoided the red light another week. The Tuesday night patterns this season are now almost as ”shaken up” as that wacky graphic of the judges’ leaderboard. According to my mom, you should try not to look directly at that thing if you’ve had a wee bit wine. I’m sober, of course, Can’t you tell? These recaps are always so lucid.

I’m loving the musical guests this season. We could tell Melissa Etheridge was infused with the spirit of the show based purely on the fact that there were black shiny things on her dress shirt. Who knew she would run out to the middle of the Rectagon and totally wail? Loved it. For ”Fearless Love,” Tony danced with Chelsie and Maks danced with Anna. More of that second pairing, please. Now That’s What I Call Incorporating the Judges’ Table! At the end of this first number, all five performers draped their arms around each other out on the floor like the cast of Dawson’s Creek or something. I don’t wanna wait…

…Luckily I didn’t need to wait for my life to be over until Melissa sang again — this time, her iconic hit ”Come to My Window” with Alec and Edyta as the side dish of sex. Of course, Edyta matched two bouts of dramatically outstretched arms to the repeated lyric ”just to reach you.” Then all her hair welded itself to Alec’s face for a good two seconds due to the stop-and-go nature of their rumba. It was the weirdest alternative to the actual music video for ”Come to My Window” I’ve ever seen, and if you’re a true DANCMSTR, you will find that this version becomes the more reasonable of the two the longer you think about it. At the end, Edyta gave a smooth, sultry look to the camera as if to say, ”I don’t have to come to his window, because I already live with this blisteringly attractive steed.”

NEXT: All the filler segments. (Now put your hands up!)

A Spanish flamenco guitarist named Benise ”and his dancers” took the stage at one point, and he reminded me of a more mature, brunet version of American Idol‘s Casey James. In appearance only! This guy definitely moved better. I looked away at one point, probably to reach for another cookie inspired by Niecy, and when I looked back, guitar guy had leapt atop an enormous treasure chest that probably contained all of this week’s hidden gems. Just kidding — they’re here!

World-class athletes Edyta and Dmitry agreed to be split-jumping, back-bending lab rats for an ”ESPN Sports Science” segment that played out like a late-night infomercial. But instead of the chance to buy an apparatus (involving the wireless biochemical sensors brutally covering their beautiful abs), we got the chance to revel in our own sloth and flabbiness, for free. Dmitry can jump as high as Kobe Bryant, Edyta will beat Lance Armstrong in the next Tour de France, and all of the highly factual information we learned here will help us score better on the SAT. Oh, and Edyta was wearing some crazy diagonal fringe the entire time. I’d definitely watch an hour of this science stuff before committing to an hour of Happy Town. They could even call it that.

There was a whole other filler segment about science — light bulbs, I think. All the contestants perched themselves on stools in space and spoke sagely amidst an array of glowing orbs. They were trying to teach us about electricity, and mental toughness, and dancing. In a clip, Chad slowly fondled a very orange wall while cloaked in a very purple sweatshirt, searching for answers. But the light bulbs were all around him! If only he’d remove his fashion hat and open his brain, man. This creepy prison interrogation chamber was a nice prelude to the once-per-season creepy dilapidated warehouse/boiler room filler segment we all know is coming. I can’t wait.

Hidden Gem of the Week: Pop Culture Double Vision Edition

”When they were introduced, I thought Pamela was Raquel Welch from Fantastic Voyage.” —Potato Bug

”Buzz and Lois looked just like Miracle Max and his wife from The Princess Bride. My husband paused the DVR and I couldn’t help but shout out, LIAR!” —Lauren

”The first thing I thought of when I saw Erin’s initial pose in her purple samba outfit was the feather duster character from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. ”Oooh, Lumiere!!!”’ —Susan

”Has anyone else noticed the Spencer Pratt-esque mustache Derek has?” —maggie

I can’t believe how many of you DANCMSTRs are on board with my ridiculous Hidden Gems movement. Someone even made the connection between the shape of Princess Sparkle’s headpiece and Enthusiastic Chimes Lady’s chimes. You really seem to speak my language. You’re all one of my best friends. We should form a cult, or at least a Facebook group. See many, many more bejeweled moments from Week 6 over at PopWatch. Behold this great big heap of Visible Gems!

Be sure to check out my colleague Lynette Rice’s interview with Tom Bergeron (I got her to ask whether Maks has ever gotten too handsy in his post-dance PDA), too. See you next week!

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

Episode Recaps

Dancing With the Stars

type
  • TV Show
seasons
  • 28
rating
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network
  • ABC

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