On week 6, a night of sexy sambas and Argentine tangos ends in dance-marathon madness. Well, why wouldn't it?
On the week 6 performance night of Dancing With the Stars, the seven remaining couples danced either the Argentine tango or the samba, dodged or fully embraced the miracle of Donny Osmond’s touch, and competed in a swing-dance marathon during which the only thing more pre-determined than the pairs’ final placement was that Derek would find a way to smother his partner’s face with his crotch. Hey, it’s tradition!! Whatever helps you win!
”All our stars are true contenders,” said Tommy B, which was a nice euphemism for ”Kate Gosselin is gone.” Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!
Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough: 26 + 10 (1st place in swing-dance marathon) = 36 out of possible 40 Yo, guys, peace! Nicole had it made with a samba routine perfectly tailored to her Pussycat Doll specialties of gyrating, opening her mouth, and making sure the camera gets her best side. Unfortunately for Derek, DANCMSTR judges on voltas and bota fogas. And… he lost me. Len’s point was that Derek’s choreo wasn’t technical enough, but the 7 paddle of one cranky Englishman couldn’t stop the frontrunners from thrusting out far ahead of the rest of the pack and two points ahead of Maks and Erin. Nicole’s moves, her abs, and possibly her thick-cut fringe crafted from a cheap pom-pom caused Bruno to — I s— you not — ”dribble with desire.” Speaking of the nether regions, right before the couple’s crotch-centric lift during the swing-dance marathon, Nicole swatted at Maks and Erin to get out of her way. Next time she should incorporate her deadly pelvic bones into her attacks. Sidenote: Carrie Ann’s French manicure could also kill someone, if only out of fear. And if looks can kill, Nicole and Derek better not glance up to the celebriquarium after completing their next dance. Peace, y’all.
Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 25 + 9 (2nd place in marathon) = 34 We’ve seen a lot of ”overanalyzing” contestants over the years, but unlike most of them, Erin has a real knack for copping a natural, sassy ballroom attitude once the music begins. Which is pretty great — I hate when people seem freaked out during routines, even though I know they can’t help it. Erin’s overanalyzing will almost surely send Maks to a very lucky mental institution by season’s end, but this week it translated into a spot-on samba. Its fast pace and difficult choreography allowed Erin to release some of her aggression after she was brutally kicked out of her beginner’s figure skating class a few hours prior, due to excessive feathers. To cheer her up (and with her help), Maks kindly removed his clothes. Screw that shirt! It was the shirt’s fault for having the audacity to cover his chest in the first place. Presumably, the fabric remnant he hurled at the judges landed directly on DANCMSTR’s eyes so he was unable to see Erin ”nail it, nail it, nail it, nail it, nail it” (said Carrie Ann). Funny, I believe that’s the exact mantra incorporated by Maks and Erin as they double-teamed Tom for a big wet kiss.
NEXT: Chad gets big, Pam wears a wig, and Evan somehow lands (on his head) in fifth place
Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke: 24 + 7 (4th place) = 31 The judges decided this was the week they should finally be nice to Chad. ”The revenge of Ochocinco! Powerful! Demented!” cried Bruno. I don’t know if he’s 85 steps away from becoming a ballroom champion (as he claimed), but Chad’s Argentine tango was impressive, full of slithers and twirling lifts and dramatic dips… and, well, the magic of Cheryl, really. But Chad was okay, too. And a Cincinnati Bengals fan at the draft party they attended can vouch for him: ”Chad is absolutely the best dancer.” You heard the man. As DANCMSTR said, ”On Dancing With the Stars, you either grow or you go. You grew tonight.” I could almost see the wheels in Chad’s red-collared noggin spin with possible double entendres off of that one. Come to think of it, I’d like to see Chad and Bruno, Our Lady of Perpetual Metaphor, face off in a ”making commonplace things sexual” challenge. Maybe that can take place in the scary finalists-only dungeon where they film filler segments, if Chad makes it that far. Did anyone notice how adorable Cheryl was after their critique, doing the Twist unprompted between Tom and Chad? She was so happy! I give Cheryl’s twist of fate a hearty Bruno ”Tehhhhhhhhhn!” DANCMSTR only gives it a ”seh-vehhhhhn!”
Lisa Rinna and Damian Whitewood: 22 + 8 (3rd place) = 30 Whoops! It was actually Pamela Anderson; I was momentarily confused by the giant dark wig. I think they were going for a Sophia Loren look with the smoky eye, but let’s be honest, this is Dancing With the Stars, so she was Lisa Rinna all the way. That wig made Pam’s head look too large for her body and made Damian look like a tiny toy dancer. I loved that their Argentine tango music had no vocals. Pam mastered the seductive element of the dance, but Carrie Ann was right: Her lines were often crooked and her lower body was not quite on par (with her wig). I’m not sure how Pam got third place in the swing-dance marathon with all her flailing and choppy split jumps — wishful, pre-determined thinking by the judges, I guess. Pam prefers to be on top, but it could be her turn to go home tonight.
Evan Lysacek and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya: 21 + 6 (5th place) = 27 I’m upset that Evan’s complicated samba was underscored — DANCMSTR called it ”too balletic” and his ”worst dance so far,” but was it really on par with The Bachelor’s samba? I can’t get too down about it, though, because the greatest fictional character in DWTS history materialized out of thin air to treat Evan’s possible concussion. Dr. Axel! No way is that his real name! Ever the investigative journalist, I looked into this via a super-complicated Google search. Turns out Axel is his first name. Well played, producers! Amazingly played. Another gem: After the dance, a patch of sweat directly above Evan’s heavage was glistening more than his necklace. Anyway, to add insult to injury, the judges gave Evan fifth place in the swing-dance marathon, right after the camera somehow knew to focus on him and Anna executing a gorgeous/impossible whipped-legs lift. Fifth? There’s not even a medal for that! It’s like a puffy green ribbon. Gross.
NEXT: This just in! Niecy likes to eat food
Niecy Nash and Louis Van Intensité: 21 + 5 (6th place) = 26 ”Has anyone ever done a funny Argentine tango?” Niecy wondered. I’ve certainly seen some unintentionally humorous ones in my DANCMSTR Daze, but I’ve never seen a woman slide diagonally down the length of her partner’s body while desperately reaching for his cookie. In fact, the lack of food on Dancing With the Stars has always been an issue for me. I’ve never mentioned it, because I know that snacks technically have no place on the dance floor, but to be honest that rule has never made sense to me either. I want to truly thank Niecy and Louis for bringing my two true loves together by dancing with dessert. Louis was right: Everyone should be able to get married. Bruno said their tango lacked a certain intensity, but it least it had — do I even need to type it? — intensité
Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower: 21 + 4 (7th place) = 25 Jake can gyrate his pelvis with the best of ’em (Bret Michaels in Sunday night’s Celebrity Apprentice, for example), but the judges disapproved of his lack of rhythm and bounce. Is ”stepping on the judges’ ledge” the new ”incorporating the judges’ table”? Jake sets such weird trends. He’s a perfect match for audience member Vienna and her poufy one-shouldered ’80s dress. For their samba, Jake rocked an all-black ”Our Pros on Tuesday nights” look with a to-the-waist deep V. If you put that outfit up against the metallic shrug with feathered sleeves he wore during a routine visit to ”meet some samba dancers,” the deep V was rather distinguished indeed. But ewww, did Jake shave his chest? I thought Donny was particularly handsy with this couple, but they danced first and it turned out Donny was pretty handsy with everyone.
Who goes home tonight? Remember to nominate your Hidden Gems of the Week over at PopWatch, and I’ll see you tomorrow for the elimination recap!
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett