The first season 14 couple heads home; Sugarland and Matt Nathanson perform
Credit: ABC

As we know, on Dancing With the Stars, “one mistake is all it takes to shatter mirrorball dreams.” Martina Navratilova made a bunch of mistakes, not the least of which was allowing a mad scientist wardrobe wizard to submerge a tennis net in a pot of glitter glue and then cloak her upper body in it. Just kidding; that was actually one of her best choices in her short DWTS run. The problem was that Martina forgot much of her week 2 jive, making her the obvious choice for elimination.

“It was an honor being on this stage with you,” Martina’s fellow bottom-two dweller Gavin DeGraw told her before she had to run down the stairs into a pile of jagged mirror shards. I liked that Gavin said that; what a great way to sum up the absurdity of it all. What is Martina Navratilova doing in red fringed pants on national TV anyway? This show is so funny.

Update: Awwww! Tony on Jimmy Kimmel Live: “The thing is, I was just in awe of [Martina] all my life. She’s such an incredible athlete but more importantly she has such an incredible heart. I’m just sad that I couldn’t take her further for people to actually get to know her even better.”

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie had to go “under the red light” along with Martina/Tony and Gavin/Karina, but they were safe at the last minute. I keep forgetting about Roshon. Maybe he should start wearing fashion gloves every week. Gavin’s got the headwear covered.

All of Our Pros — Original Recipe and The College Years — kicked off the first results show of season 14 with a fabulous group dance. We’ve got two new Troupe members, Emma and Henry, whose names reminded me that it’s been at least a decade since I read any sort of British literature. I don’t like to be reminded of such things. Bad Troupe! What’s a book?

Since I’ve moved onto cheaper thrills than reading as a grown adult, I kept pressing pause on Our Pros to marvel at who was dancing with whom. I’m always fascinated by how they pair up each time. Tonight: Peta and Maks, Cheryl and Tristan, Spats and Anna, Tony and Kym, Derek and Karina, Chelsie and Val. If there were DWTS paper dolls, I could occupy myself for hours just switching up the partnerships and making them kiss each other. You know, adult things.

Sugarland is a consistently solid musical guest for DWTS, and Jennifer Nettles — soon to star in ABC’s Duets, let her and Tom remind you — has always shown sufficient awe for Our Pros following their performances. She really “gets it.” Sasha (the boy)’s dance with Oksana, Sharna, and Emma on “Find the Beat Again” was super fun, but of course I preferred former Troupe members turned DWTS darlings Peta and Tristan performing a rumba to “Run” along with Matt Nathanson and Sugarland. The best was when Peta and Tristan separated into their respective corners, only to run, run, run right into each other for a dazzling spinning lift. Second best: sexy thigh traces.

Why is it generally so wrong (so very, very wrong) to wear a vest without a shirt in the real world, yet it is always the right call in the ballroom? I want to start conducting an online course called “Ballroom vs. Society.” Would anyone take it? It’d be free.

NEXT: The top 7 (“seh-vehhhhhhhn!”) moments of the results show

Meanwhile, Tom chatted it up with audience member Katie Couric and what I thought was an evil force placed in the ballroom purely to serve as a royal blue-dress doppelganger to Katie Couric, but turned out to be season 5’s Sabrina Bryan. Katie was there to smile serenely while taking over the role of pinching Tom’s butt (sorry Maks), while Sabrina, Kyle Massey, and Lacey Schwimmer were on hand to plug the Dancing With the Stars Live show in Vegas. So this is a new thing? Joey Fatone and Tia Carrere are also involved. I have still never been to Las Vegas and now I have a reason other than the promise of all-you-can-eat buffets to go. Perfect. I wonder if they considered “Liiiiiiiiiiiiiive” for the title? It’s so much more compelling.

Annie’s Top 7 (“Seh-vehhhhhhhn!”) Results Show Moments for March 27, 2012:

7. Tom’s ferocious football announcer (that’s a thing, right?) voice: “Our results show starts RIGHT now!

6. Maria, Sherri and Katherine holding hands under the spotlights like Miss America hopefuls

5. “Oh…Disneyland.” –Melissa Gilbert’s response to Maks asking which places she’s had more fun other than the DWTS ballroom

4. Gladys Knight explaining that the quickstep was “quick, ha ha” and then adding a full-on “ha-ha-hahhhhh!” How is she so delightful? Simon Cowell would definitely tell her she has “the X factor.” She just makes you want to laugh with her, no matter the content.

3. Sugarland’s halfhearted “should we or shouldn’t we?” attempt to strike a ballroom pose heading into commercials

2. Tom’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail imitation — “It’s only a flesh wound!” — and subsequent giggle at himself

1. Sherri Shepherd’s epic freakout upon learning she was safe (pictured)

Also, I knew it! Sherri opted not to swing through Val Chmerkovskiy’s legs during last night’s jive on purpose. “In rehearsals, my face kept getting caught in your butt,” she explained to Val during their Monday night confessional. (And??? What’s the problem?) “I just didn’t want to face it.” Time for a priority check for Sherri Shepherd. Ooooooooh Lord.

Hidden Gem City (also the name of my wireless network):

“Dyslexic Jimmy Connors giving his pal Martina an 01.” –Amy in Pittsburgh, endorsed by Cindy, Fridgedancer, WiltedYouth, SpeechTeacher89, Jem H

The love child of Carmen Sandiego and the Hamburglar (Maria Menounos, proud owner of two broken ribs and a Greek heritage) would like you to visit’s ‘DWTS’ Hidden Gems of the Week. Go now, or she’ll steal your breakfast burger with flaming saganaki. Opa!

Do you think the right couple went home first? Poor Tony!

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Ask Annie anything about ‘Dancing With the Stars’ (or whatever) in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture. This is *not* liiiiiiive! and she is not actually sitting there right now. She updates a few times per week.

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Dancing With the Stars
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