A talented contestant is surprisingly booted; Mary J. Blige and Chubby Checker perform

By Annie Barrett
Updated October 05, 2011 at 04:19 AM EDT
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On Tuesday’s season 13, week 3 results show of Dancing With the Stars, career reality TV star Kristin Cavallari was told to please pack her jives and go. It’s not the first time a hot woman who could actually dance was kicked off early, but it was still a bit shocking. Kristin would have been much more fun to watch improve over the next few weeks than a lower scorer like Nancy Grace, or a contestant in visible pain like Chaz Bono.

Maybe Mark Ballas’ fan base had their hands in their pockets during the voting period like Mark did when they were announced “in jeopardy.” Maybe Kristin’s choosing-Hollywood-over-college back story wasn’t tear-jerking enough on Monday. Maybe nobody likes Jay Cutler. Or maybe this is the residual effect of no one believing Kristin when she claimed in the season premiere to be “NOT a bitch.” We’ll never know the reason! I’m just glad it wasn’t Carson Kressley.

Big news for the ballroom: Cher has tweeted (a brilliant three words if there ever were) that she’ll be touching down to Planet Mirrorballus, from whatever intergalactic orb she’s ridin’ her half breed around on that day, to be in the audience supporting her son Chaz Bono for next week’s performance show. I feel like Dancing With the Stars has been waiting for a visit from Cher its whole life. Haven’t we all, really? This outer space disco party will be a momentous Sparkalien reunion featuring creatures from so many different decades and dimensions. I can’t wait!

Mary J. Blige is always a Mirrorballus marvel — so full of life and happy to be there and genuinely talented. She was all glammed out for “Real Love” and then mysteriously dressed like Cap’n Crunch for her new single “25/8.” I can’t get enough of her whenever she’s on. So why don’t I buy her albums? Let’s all go buy her albums right now, and then maybe we’ll all get an extra day and eight extra hours this week. I can use them to learn more about music.

I didn’t realize Chubby Checker was alive! I didn’t think he was dead, necessarily. I guess I hadn’t thought much about it at all. The producers kept his appearance (he and a spirited Estelle collaborated on “The Twist”) a secret until he showed up in skinny jeans (Bad Idea Jeans?) and checkered sneakers. I swear, when Estelle looked up to ballroom heaven and announced that “THE KING OF TWIST HIMSELF” would be joining her, I really thought she was just exaggerating and Len Goodman would be standing up there. They’d certainly teased Len’s “dance” hard enough! We got 10 seconds of low-level twisting, about enough so that we can all rest easy that the DANCMSTR has completed his basic stretches for the night. That’s it.

CRUEL TEASE.

Let’s move on to….

NEXT: Annie’s Top Seh-vehhhhhhhn! Moments of the Results Show

THE TOP 7 (“SEH-VEHHHHHN!”) MOMENTS OF THE SEASON 13, WEEK 3 RESULTS SHOW

7. Brooke Burke’s “crystallized” little black dress. Sorry, but this was one of the best ever, right? I’m pretty sure you could also just take apart the dress and re-sculpt it into a killer clutch. (Yes, all the material. Just one purse.)

6. “I’ve gotten to dance with Kym and I’ve gotten a spray tan. I’ve won already.” –David Arquette, counting his blessings

5. A man and woman in the audience appearing to matter-of-factly discuss how great Val’s abs looked in that sheer, open shirt after he and Dasha flung themselves around violently, and expertly, to “Real Love”

4. Brooke unexpectedly whipping “synchronicity” out of her bag of vocab after she and Tom accidentally both started to say the same line

3. “I think I may have broken either his cheekbone or my cheekbone. Or maybe i just moved some filler” –Carson Kressley on kissing Bruno after Monday’s tango

2. Tom Bergeron’s benignly incredulous delivery of Mary J. Blige’s upcoming album title, My Life II… The Journey Continues (Act 1)

1. “Manhandle me. Slowly.” –that old sex on a stick Maks (who will be confronted by a woman who hates him on Wednesday’s H8R; check out an exclusive clip here)

HIDDEN GEM OF THE WEEK

I guess this Arquette family gem-ber had the right idea about Kristin….

“One of the daughters in the Arquette clan (the one in pink, not Coco), practically passed out of boredom on the table because she couldn’t give a hot damn what a Kristin Cavallari is or what it was doing on the dance floor.” –Art, endorsed by Lorie

‘Til next week, DANCMSTRs! Are you angry that Kristin went home? Have you been picturing Cher on the DWTS set (at least in spirit) pretty much this whole time?

Ask me anything about THE BALLROOM (or whatever else) in the video player below. To see my answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture.

XOXO,

Fringe Fairy

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