Team 'Gangnam Style' turns in the wildest, nude-iest freestyle the ballroom has ever seen
Congrats to Team ‘Gangnam Style’ — a.k.a. American Psy — for delivering what was in many ways the best and worst group dance Planet Mirrorballus has ever seen. Mostly worst! It was the best if you love tepid messes and things that make no sense, which obviously I do because it’s season 15 and I’m still sitting here in my fringed boots typing about an alternate universe. Like Kelly Monaco said, “Sometimes… trainwrecks are fun to watch.”
Somehow this group f(l)ail earned Kelly, Kirstie, Emmitt, and Not-At-All-Powerful Captain Gilles three 9s, probably because if the judges had scored it fairly the entire leaderboard would have been messed up. I’m fine with that. I might even award them all 9s myself provided I’d never have to see Gilles peering into Peta’s crotch, Kirstie and Maks’ “mat exercises,” and Bruno sniffing O Captain His Captain’s lointowel ever, ever again. EWWWW.com.
Genuine highlights of “Gangnam” included the wig department’s hilarious attempt to turn all of the women into Koreans, Cheryl riding Emmitt like a Cowboy, Kelly and Shirtless Val’s entire solo especially her final pose with feeling!, and the way the belligerent debris (as seen in the video) had to compete with neon green laser beams, let alone eight adult bodies, for the spotlight at the end. That confetti was aggressive. And even though it’s a non-hidden gem week, don’t think I missed this one:
The ASSMSTR always figures out a way to set himself apart.
Before I call upon Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber to please reveal Tuesday’s solo dance scores, here’s the complete JUDGES’ LEADERBOARD, taking into consideration the eight remaining couples’ solos and Team Freestyles on Week 5:
Sabrina Bryan and Louis Van Amstel: 58.5 out of possible 60
Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough: 56.5
Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani: 56.5
Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina Smirnoff: 56.5
Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd: 56.5
Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke: 56
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 52.5
Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 51.5
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!
NEXT: If Sabrina is Cinderella, does that make Carrie Ann Lucifer the cat? Sabrina Bryan and Louis Van Amstel: 29 out of 30 Their Cinderella-inspired waltz (since when is a classic Disney staple a guilty pleasure?) was 100% Pure Cheese….and I LOVED it! Cinderella‘s always been my fave, and whenever the waltz comes up on this show, I honest-to-Lord Mirrorballus sometimes find myself humming the opening “mmmm”s to “So This Is Love.” There’s a great featurette on the Cinderella DVD about how Walt Disney originally wanted Cinderelly and Prince Charming to waltz in the clouds instead of on land — a vision that came to fruition nine years later at the very end of Sleeping Beauty. I didn’t have to Google any of that. I’m so smart sometimes, but only about the lamest stuff.
ANYWAY, imagine my delight when one of the male singers in the Harold Wheeler Band chimed in on “And now I knowwww….” just like the freaking prince in the movie! The whole Sabrina-Louis scene played out like a live-action cartoon and if you unfocused your eyes a little you couldn’t tell the difference. The giant chandelier and clock, Sabrina’s overly clunky shoes (why weren’t they glass slippers?) and Louis’ ridiculously spot-on prince costume all contributed to that uniquely trippy experience. I thought I saw a bunch of cheese curds (left behind by Jacques and Gus the house mice, no doubt), but it turned out those were just the rest of the bright orange contestants up in the skybox.
“I don’t think you quite got to vulnerability, but it was elegance personified,” Carrie Ann told Sabrina after Bruno had flopped around the judges’ table “like a windsock outside a used car lot” (Tom!) — seemingly in an effort to top Carrie Ann’s fall to the floor on Monday. He knows he can just go ahead and fall, right? It’s not brain surgery, or whatever creepy experiment Tony was performing on Melissa earlier.
Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough: 27/30 Shawn — not an actress, let her remind you again — was having trouble being sensual and pretending she was into Derek like that for the rumba, so Derek very craftily set the entire routine on a circle high above the floor. The whole time, I was mesmerized at the mere fact that they weren’t falling off the elevated disc (the balance beam of the ballroom?), so I wonder if that was a deliberate attempt to distract viewers from the fact that Shawn exhibited very little hip action and whipped through the routine trick-by-trick as usual.
It didn’t really bother me, though, because as a performance and homage to Shawn (or let’s be honest, Derek)’s guilty pleasure, Titanic, this was fabulous. Derek slipping off the disc on his way to a watery death = genius. I’ll go ahead and give his smoke-swimming freestyle a 7. Seh-vehhhhhn! And I don’t know why Officer Inaba of the Dreaded and Unwarranted Lift Police had to make a fuss over what she called a lift and Derek insisted was a “catch.” It was totally a catch. It was also the most thrilling part of the routine — what if Shawn fell off the beam? Bela Karolyi would have a total cow. So much was at stake in this rumba!
NEXT: How do you solve a problem like Apolo? Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina Smirnoff: 27/30 Apolo’s samba with Julianne is likely pictured in the Dancing With the Stars sections of high school history textbooks at this point, so expectations were high for this week’s guilty pleasure “Give It To Me Baby” samba. Apolo’s performance itself was a total 10 for me — he completely embraced the porny ’70s vibe thanks to a loaner bedroom set from Bruno (Tom again!) and a sick leopard-print shirt/white pants combo that would put anyone in the mood to get down, get down. He couldn’t help but mouth all the words to the song, but it wasn’t as annoying as you’d think. For a guy who had the flu all week, Apolo seemed about as “into it” as you could get without vomiting, especially following that incredible pirouette on his knees.
I liked how DANCMSTR Goodman claimed to be living in the “Home for the Bewildered” after Carrie Ann claimed something was missing from Apolo’s dance and that the pair needed to work on their chemistry (sounds like someone’s still blaming Karina for her onstage meltdown last week) because when does Len not live there? Every time Bruno lifts one bun off his chair, or Carrie Ann falls off of hers, he’s livin’ in that Home. No matter what his seatmates do, Len is bewildered. That’s his thing. Of course, Len’s sudden realization of his surroundings in season 15 confirms that he truly does belong in the Home of the Bewildered — he’s its most profitable patient! He could be running that damn home. Who’s to know for sure? Not Len!
Just a thought: Apolo is out there trying to have a freaking blast every week — and it’s true that something is not quite right. Whether it’s Karina reciting script-friendly lines during rehearsals like “This is our comeback week” (sparklebarf) or Brooke daftly cutting off Apolo just when he was on a roll sarcastically marveling at his own deliciously cheesy leopard silk shirt, our speed skater can’t seem to bullet ahead into his own icy hot atmosphere on Planet M. this time around. He’s up for so much fun right now, and it seems little is to be had. Can this be fixed?
Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani: 27/30 Speaking of no fun, this couple had to tiptoe through a “Toxic” tango due to Melissa’s neck injury — not anyone’s fault, of course, but an injured celeb never makes for a pleasurable dance-viewing experience. I will say she looked amazing in that short, auburn wig. If only mad scientist Tony had been cooking up some sort of neck-numbing magic potion during this enigmatic opening scene featuring a strange hamster wheel.
I wonder if it’s too late to be this for Halloween. Any of it, really.
This was also fab:
Is anyone else super excited for Tom vs. Len: Dance War (ft. Tony’s Facial Expressions), coming to ABC this spring? I couldn’t get enough of their little feud regarding Len’s comment that Melissa could have “snapped a little more” during the tango. Tom pointed out she’d been carted away in an ambulance just two days ago. “That was more of a factual comment — in an attempt to find your beating heart,” explained BergerEmmy.
Oh, Tom. Where would we be without him? (Probably outside, soaking up real life. Pffft! Don’t need it!)
Who do you like headed into (groan) (or are you cheering?) Country Week? Discuss!
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