A contestant can't hold on for one more day; movie star Julianne Hough returns

By Annie Barrett
Updated October 12, 2011 at 05:15 AM EDT
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Credit: ABC

Alas, it’s sometimes true. On Tuesday’s season 13, week 4 results show of Dancing With the Stars, Chynna Phillips headed home to a life barely worth living: A life without Len. Chynna and Tony Dovolani, the week 1 leaders, were shot in the foot Monday night — not by the prop gun in Chynna’s spangly secret agent thigh holster, but by the fact that she “just blanked” on the steps of their Mission: Impossible tango. “Blackouts have happened to all of us,” Tony assured the disappointed crowd at the end of the results show. “But she finished the routine and she listened to me. It was cool!” Aw, Tony and his blinding white teeth and endless positivity can truly make any situation better.

Sure, Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono and Carson Kressley are technically worse dancers than Chynna. But Chynna’s the one who messed up on Monday. It doesn’t mean that everyone who voted for everyone else is stupid. It just means that for some reason, people weren’t inspired enough by the promise of Chynna’s future performances to “get on the horn” for her. (About once a season I end up quoting temporary DWTS host Drew Lachey on this horn business, and I really have no idea why.) It’s not like there’s a conspiracy at play, unless you count Brooke’s recent and puzzling agenda to substitute lingerie for eveningwear. Perhaps the black bows-on-pink base motif were intended to support whatever message was behind Carson and Anna’s pink pirate flag. Mystery solved!

I was glad Raphael Saadiq’s rendition of “Soul Man” continued the “let’s all focus on band instruments and the lovely people who play them” theme from Monday’s Movie Scores Night. The illusion of trombones dancing on the ballroom floor — and the technicolor staircase — was almost as thrilling as Carrie Ann booty-shaking at a 90-degree angle away from the other judges. Then came the “worldwide planetary exclusive performance” (eventually the writers are just going to have to call the DWTS planet by its proper name, Mirrorballus, and I can’t wait) of Susan Boyle’s “Enchanted Melody.” D’oh! Peta and Val were beautiful here, barely draped in sheer blue fabric as they flowed into the open arms of the underwater wizard who lives at the bottom of the magical sea.

NEXT: Julianne Hough returns, and Annie’s Top Seh-vehhhhhhhn! Moments of the Results Show

But the real reason anyone involved with the show even bothered to wake up that morning was the triumphant return of Tom’s favorite movie star, Julianne Hough, to the ballroom! The two-time winner and Derek’s “stupid sister” (claimed he) teamed up with Kenny Wormald and the rest of their — ugh, bad word coming up — troupe for a Footloose medley. I loved the way the series of tiny lanterns made the ballroom floor look during that first “Holding Out for a Hero” part. Is the wood always so dark and rich? Am I serious right now? “Great planks tonight, guys!” You know I am. Of course, Julianne’s dance with Derek later in the show was even more exciting than the wood. These two high-functioning robots, when programmed together for the jive, are quite possibly humanity’s greatest hope.

“That’s the happiest I’ve seen Len all week!” quipped Tom as the judges reveled in some quality post-dance attention from the superlative siblings — basking in the glow of Derek’s power trip and the spray tan fumes from Julianne’s bare midriff. You might even say they were Houghing them right up.

THE TOP 7 (“SEH-VEHHHHHN!”) MOMENTS OF THE SEASON 13, WEEK 4 RESULTS SHOW

7. “Nipples in. Don’t fart. Do well.” –Tristan’s sage pre-dance advice for Nancy Grace

6. Carson and Anna’s twirling hug upon being announced safe: their best dance move yet?

5. “Tony, it’s been real.” –Tom as Tony was about to get hiked up to a higher atmosphere of Planet Mirrorballus (which is like the ozone layer if the o‘s were sequins)

4. David Arquette laughing to himself about going to sleep at 9 or 10 instead of 2 or 3. I love how hilarious he finds…everything!

3. Pirate Carson Kressley shouting “It’s me!” in the middle of his Viennese waltz. Just Carson!

2. Tom’s polite glance downward after Brooke said the famous song from Ghost that Susan Boyle was about to sing was called “Enchanted Melody”

1. Tie: Blake Shelton’s haphazard pre-commercial Moonwalk and his “one hand assists the other in waving” shenanigans backstage. Did anyone else immediately imitate him from the safe, camera-free confines of their sofas? I don’t think I’ve made that move in years. What fun! This guy really seems to get it.

HIDDEN GEM CITY (also the name of my wireless network):

“Personal favorite Hidden Gem…maybe of all time….Maks adjusting his package before his dance and the cute smile that went with it!” —Christy, endorsed by gigi, Call me Daphne and her roomie, Neko, B, Tracy S, Neko, Alexis, Daphne, Ted, Sparkle Girl, Jem Ho, Stephanie, Kevin M. Kawa, Tina, Tricia, Diane, Pumbaa

“ECL [Enthusiastic Chimes Lady] sighting!!! And playing the slide whistle!!! Will her talents ever cease to amaze?” —kt, endorsed by Chaz, duranmom, orville, Call me Daphne, Xorp, gigi, LAG Award Winner, Jem Ho, Anthony, Kevin M. Kawa

‘Til next week, DANCMSTRs!

Are you upset by Chynna’s elimination?

Do you think Tony’s tears come out as diamonds?

XOXO,

Fringe Fairy

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Ask Annie anything about THE BALLROOM (or whatever else) in the video player below. To see her answers to previous questions, click on the text links below the picture.

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