ABC
November 13, 2012 at 11:57 AM EST

Dancing With the Stars

type
TV Show
genre
Reality TV
run date
03/21/11
performer
Tom Bergeron, Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli, Len Goodman, Erin Andrews, Julianne Hough
broadcaster
ABC
seasons
24
Current Status
In Season

Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd: 29.5/30 quickstep + 29/30 salsa trio = 58.5/60 (Fifty Shades of) Gilles’ arms must be completely hairless if he allowed Peta to duct-tape him into that makeshift quickstep frame thingie, but then again the Frenchman seems ready to do just about anything in his lunge for the mirrorball trophy. He and Peta donned some really weird black shimmery onesies — that would have looked atrocious on anyone but the 1%; on these hotties they just looked merely “good” — for their Top Gun tribute quickstep, which was packed with crazy footwork and lots of difficulty.

Debbie Downer Inaba pulled one of her signature “It was soooo close…” (#sparklebarf) trail-offs (when the roaring crowd has no idea what she’s about to ding the dancers on, nor do they care), but Len reassured the couple that “THAT. Was a quickstep” with this declaration: “This wasn’t cupcakes and ice cream. This was thunder and lightning.” I’m pretty sure DWTS‘ target demo is more attracted to the former (raises hand, which is holding half a sweet potato tart), but whatever.

The darling Chelsie Hightower joined Gilles and Peta for a salsa trio that opened with Gilles swiveling his hips atop a circular platform in front of a rustic-looking wall that said “Fresca” — lest we forget that he is so fresh right now. This visual messaging contrasted sharply with the state of Gilles’ hair — it looked like he’d recently dipped his head in oil and the dance was his way of shaking it out, doggie-style. I should not have just typed that, but it’s threesome night! Anything goes!

The dance was excellent and I marveled at how costuming/hair/makeup turned Chelsie and Peta into identical twins. That part at the beginning where Gilles smushed Chelsie’s face with his fingers was a little weird. I think he meant to get in on the side of her cheek but he ended up clobbering her nose and eyes with his greasy man-hands as if she were a Tin Woman in need of more oil. Sexy!

Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina Smirnoff: 29.5/30 tango + 29/30 samba trio = 58.5/60 Apolo’s general melodrama is getting more and more hilarious — I loved his exhausted recline and artful elbow placement during his game plan discussion with Karina before their tango. The masterminds decided Apolo should zip-line onto the floor from Brookebot Mountain to distinguish himself. “You don’t have any kind of harness,” Karina warned him. What? How? What’s the point of wearing three belts on your vest if said belts refuse to disguise a harness? And why wasn’t “Holding Out for a Hero” already playing as he zip-lined? Bizarre.

Apolo made it through aliiiiiiiiive, of course, and this tango reminded Carrie Ann of “an action-adventure film I wanna see.” Could you be more specific? “Those guns are fully loaded for maximum fire power, like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible!” cried Bruno. There it is.

I’d call Apolo my official MVP of the evening after that heroic tango and incredible “Grease Lightning” trio during which he was the only star to elect a same-sex pro as the third party. How cute is Sasha Farber, by the way? I’d love to see him back as one of Our Pros with a little-person celeb in the near future. “Tell me about it, stud,” chimed in Karina as a cherry-red-spandexed Sandy. This dance was by far the most impressive trio, for me — not only was its choreography the most clever (loved the gas pump staging area!) but I could barely tell Apolo and Sasha apart the whole time. (I’m sure for many viewers, this was a drawback because the celeb should theoretically stand out.)

“You really are now on the top of your game,” Bruno told Apolo, which sounds exactly like what a judge would want to tell a contestant before he’d leave the next day. Apolo really got screwed by going first and finishing near-last in the swing dance marathon last week. No way should he rank so low in the total scoring headed into tonight.

NEXT: Kelly Monaco smiles

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