A tidal wave of sexual energy knocks Carrie Ann off her chair. Next time call her, maybe?
Monday’s performance show was just one measly hour, but it shall go down in Planet Mirrorballus history because it marked the first time a judge non-deliberately escaped the confines of his or her chair in an effort to vaguely and/or nonsensically compliment a sexy dancer. I feel like Dancing With the Stars has been building up to this moment all along. We’re all climaxing together!
Here’s Carrie Ann Inaba getting struck by a tidal wave of sexual energy thanks to Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd’s rumba — in all its pixelated glory, fresh from my TV to my iPhone to my Photoshop to your computer:
LET THE BABY-MAKING BEGIN!” Carrie Ann screamed; then toppled over while saying “That was ridiculous.” OH WAS IT? Not to be outdone, Bruno Tonioli promptly splayed himself face-up on the judges’ table in his usual “Take me. Love me! Devour me.” position.
It was bound to happen! I’m just surprised The Fall took 15 seasons to finally run its course. (And a little bit shocked it wasn’t Bruno instead. Or Paula, last week.)
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Where the hell is Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber?
Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd and Her Hips: 29.5 out of possible 30 You couldn’t really blame Carrie Ann for getting swept up in the spirit of the dance after Gilles encouraged Peta to choreograph a rumba that would get viewers so hot and bothered that the couple would be “responsible for a lot of babies.” I started picturing Gilles and Peta roaming the earth to personally bedazzle the noses of all the new lives they’d helped create, when suddenly Peta snapped me out of that trance by sauntering down the red carpet wearing basically two flaps of champagne (one for boobs, one for butt). That’s the best way I can describe her sparkly, barely there costume, which alarmingly kept my eyes off of Gilles for at least the first half of their “I Will Always Love You” rumba.
Here are the things I loved about this dance, in descending order: 3) Peta’s bangs; whaaaaa? 2) her slowwww dip back while Gilles had her legs in a perfect vertical split; 1) that amazing launch into the full-body spin (toes on the floor; no lift!) as the music finally kicked in. Bruno called this rumba one of the best performances he’d ever seen, Len commented on how they’d turned October into “Hot-tober” (which was maybe even worse than Carrie Ann’s fall), and Tom had a quick quip for Carrie Ann’s “floored” reaction: “When you said let the baby-making begin, I didn’t think you’d get into position.” Even better: A sassy missive from on high atop ye olde Brookebot Mountain: “Carrie Ann, we’re laughing with you, honey.” Whoa!
Sorry, can’t resist: Here was Carrie Ann while Tom joked — from the balcony, way beyond her range of hearing — that she’d had airbags installed in her chair.
NEXT: The giant toucan has all the answers Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke: 29/30 First of all, this was possibly the best “starting shot” of any dance this year to date: this giant toucan (or macaw, sorry) just hangin’ out, hard at work symbolizing the spirit of the samba.
He’s my favorite, and I appreciated how Cheryl and Emmitt’s outfits didn’t match each other, but together combined to represent the toucan (macaw)! There’s always so much more at play on DWTS than meets the eye. Cheryl’s red shoes and fringed arm band were huge perks in what DANCMSTR Goodman called “an unstoppable performance.” Emmitt seemed much more in his element this week than last, delivering a cheeky glance to the camera during a rousing grind session after the Barry Manilow impersonator sang “They were in love…” The judges agreed Emmitt had the “samba swagger” and I tried my mightiest to pretend not to hear Carrie Ann’s obligatory mention of “a little boobie boobie at the end,” as I’m sure we all did, but that did not work. Anyway, great routine with a fabulous final flourish atop a colorful platform. Toucan, what did you think?
I agree. Totally.
Emmitt was so cute in rehearsal, too, demanding of Cheryl like a real taskmaster, “When’s the last time we laughed?” I assumed the answer was really dire — a whole day, maybe two — but then Emmitt sternly complained that it had been about two and a half, three hours. The nerve of Cheryl, depriving him of his life force!
How about a poll?
Yay or nay on Maks’ ambitious morning-after bouffants this season?
I’m loving ’em, but I love everything. Don’t listen to me.
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 25.5/30 Kirstie started off confident, boldly telling Maks, ‘I’m not naming names, but I don’t think everyone that’s left is a great entertainer.” Cut to Kirstie blubbering in a darkened corridor after Sunday’s camera blocking session: “I just want to be better.” That’s actually one of the most honest and sadly sweet displays we’ve seen on this show, even though it reminded me of an after-school special (ASS). Their “Mrs. Robinson” quickstep was Kirstie’s best dance so far according to Carrie Ann and Len, so she needn’t have worried. But I’m still glad we got the closeup of Maks sending subtle kisses to his partner just before the music started. His whole body stood still so it was just his mouth, fluttering like a fish. Not Mark’s fish-face circa seasons 6-13, mind you. Gross.
There was lots to love about this quickstep, like the emphasis on flutes (!) in the Harold Wheeler Band, Kirstie dipping Maks near the end of the dance, and especially the way the couple made use of so much of the set. After they exited through a special door to a secret dimension, we saw them in silhouette at the top of the stage, his clean-shaven chin devouring her heaving bosom. (It’s safe to assume Mrs. Robinson was tired.) The only downside to this creative, silhouetted ending was that I could no longer see Maks’ sparkly collar, denoting his reign as High Priest of MirrorballASS.
NEXT: My formerly funny Valentin predicts doomsday scenarios Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 24.5/30 These two showmancers struggled this week — Kelly had to go back to work on General Hospital so she experienced a mental/physical breakdown and complete loss of confidence. Just normal stuff. During their most severe rehearsal footage, Val and Kelly slumped against a stark beige stucco wall in late-afternoon sunlight, creating the non-illusion that they were trapped in a desert of shared misery. “We have no room for error or any sort of f—up,” warned Val. The stucco started bubbling up and enveloping them like quicksand as Kelly chimed in, “Or else I’m totally screwed — and so are you.” And then they disappeared into the wall forever. Good times.
Their samba, set to Cher Lloyd’s “Want U Back” (Ugh!), boasted an amazing final pose and some charismatic moments, but even I could tell the dancing was not up to par. At one point they zoomed in on Kelly’s shuffling-around footwork and it looked like something I might do involuntarily while waiting for the bathroom. That’s bad. Carrie Ann called Kelly’s upper body tense, and though Bruno likened her to a “titillating, tasty tease,” he thought Kelly’s samba bounce seemed forced. Len labeled himself “an enemy of the unnecessary,” I suppose to avoid using his favorite term “messin’ about” again, and complained that the samba was on the raunchy side. Make up your mind whether you’re into raunch, Little Lenny! “Too much gyrating,” he whined. I say: not enough.
Team ‘Call Me Maybe’: Shawn Johnson/Derek Hough, Sabrina Bryan/Louis Van Amstel, Melissa Rycroft/Tony Dovolani, and Apolo Anton Ohno/Karina Smirnoff all received 29.5 out of 30 for their midseason freestyle set in ‘DWTS High.’ I ended up rewinding this so many times to figure out exactly where and when the new couples kept entering the scene. It was genius to have twinsies Sabrina and Shawn switch partners during the transition between their two solos. Poor Melissa, who suffered a herniated disc (or in commoner terms, “squeaky sneakers”) on Sunday but was cleared to dance and in high spirits, got to be the center of the transitional “pinwheel” before her and Tony’s solo. But she’d also answered the call of duty to become a human jump rope for the dramatic unveiling of Apolo. When life calls and asks you to be a human jump rope, you think maybe and then correct yourself. Absolutely Melissa would do that. What next? Is there a pesky glitter patch in Area 15 of the ballroom floor? Why not use Melissa’s head to mop it right up? She’s medicated!
Will “Gangnam Style” beat out Team “Call Me Maybe” tonight? It’ll be tough! NO SHIRTS ALLOWED.
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