It's '80s Week on Planet Mirrorballus. Let's hear it for the Bangles!

By Annie Barrett
Updated October 18, 2011 at 06:43 AM EDT
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Dancing With the Stars

S13 E9
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‘Cause that’s our Funday (woe-oh)! Week 5 on Dancing With the Stars was ’80s Night, which meant tons of bright colors, bad eyeshadow, scrunchies, and bizarre renditions of classic songs. And I’m not just talking about guest performers the Bangles! They’re on tour, now — did you know? “Well, not now. Like, tomorrow.” Thanks, Tom.

Our Host was in rare form last night, recovering from a once-in-a-lifetime line flub by scolding himself, “Teach me to drink during commercials.…” and more importantly scolding the VERY ANNOYING bickering judges as if he were their (drunk?) dad: “Kids! Kids! When we all talk at the same time, we hear nothing.” Say it with me again: Thanks, Tom!

The judges have their scores. Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff: 28 out of possible 30 J.R. had already grown up a) Latin and b) dancing constantly with his single mom, but Karina decided to give him even more of an advantage in the samba by taking him to visit Sheila E. at The Conga Room. It worked — Bruno Tonioli, understated as always, called J.R. “a loin-shattering sex machine” and marveled that a woman on one of the upper levels had enjoyed J.R.’s loin-shattering hip action so much that she was about to throw herself off the balcony. That’s when you know you’re muy caliente on Dancing With the Stars: somebody dies! Oh, don’t worry, Bruno continued: “The Kardashians over there are gagging! I’m telling you, you have so much fire down below, it was like a volcano!” Did that really just happen? The loin-shattering and the gagging? Are we live? Is this thing on?

I liked how this couple was so confident in J.R.’s lower half that they went ahead and swathed his loins in white pants! These were a lovely complement to Karina’s puffed-out skirt that looked like a kiwi, but if a kiwi was orange. Let me put that more succinctly: Her skirt looked like Kym Johnson.

Has everyone seen J.R.’s PSA for The Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors?

.

You may recognize his costar, 15-year-old Jenna Bullen, as J.R.’s special guest from last Monday‘s DWTS audience. They’ll both be on today’s episode of Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers (3 p.m. ET on The CW) to build awareness for burn survivors.

NEXT: Hello. Is it ballroom lothario Rob Kardashian you’re looking for?

David Arquette and Kym Johnson: 25/30 If I were a technique queen, I’d be raving about David’s commitment to ballroom rules (don’t break hold!) and desire to connect to the music and the dance. But since I only seem to respect spectacle, I was more concerned with David’s Planet Mirrorballus art project, his spot-on impression of Len (“It’s like ordering fish and not getting chips!”), the way Kym just kicked David’s pesky sunglasses right off at the top of their tango, and David’s adorable daughter Coco totally freaking out when Len gave a rave review. The DANCMSTR strung David along for a little bit, too. “We’re at the halfway stage now. The beginning of the end. You have to show up or shut up.” [Pause while audience shuts up.] “You have shown up and it was fantastic!” I wonder if David and Kym’s “anarchy in the ballroom” leather/dominatrix costumes were more convincing than their actual tango moves, but I was honestly too mesmerized by the paint splatter lighting on the floor to notice.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke: 25/30 “Fringe Fairy is going to be upset that Rob and Cheryl were not molding a Lionel Richie head out of clay during their dance to ‘Hello,'” speculated astute EW.com reader Liz. Right she was! I was devastated, but it was probably the right move to not have too much messin’ about during their (am I really about to say this?) sexy neon green rumba. I do think they could have approximated the head-mold with one of those “allow me to draw a circle in the ballroom ether by guiding my partner’s noggin around with both hands” moves that I believe Tony Dovolani tends to favor. But it’s okay; this rumba still proved Rob was “a conten-dah, not a preten-dah” according to the DANCMSTR. Rob had season 12’s Romeo — his friend from USC — show him how to take command of the dance during rehearsal. I’m still pretty new to California — is USC just an entirely conceptual place? Everyone who claims to have gone there seems to spend most of his life on camera. Whatever, man! College is a state of mind!

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough: 24/30 After last week’s tango set to the Psycho score, I was convinced Derek Hough just tells the producers exactly which music and dance he wants each week in order to maximize his boundless creativity. This was not the case with a foxtrot set to Phil Collins’ “Easy Lover.” This song choice — along with Ricki’s terrible tiered turquoise frock — was so stupid I nearly changed the channel. Ha! As if. No one believed that. Anyway, all I’m saying is that if it weren’t for Hairspray director John Waters’ jaunty studio pop-in and Derek’s new blue hair extension that he would not stop touching, their entire segment would have been a huge letdown. I never want to see “the Running Rabbit” (coined by Carrie Ann) ever again!

NEXT: Maks turns the ballroom into an obstacle course so Hope feels more at home

Hope Solo and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 24/30 Hope was still having trouble committing to the acting element of the dance. “You don’t have to think about acting in soccer, when balls are being driven at your face,” Hope pointed out. (Anyone else cut to Dionne and Amber from Clueless at this point? “Well, there goes your social life!”) Their tango, which was living on a prayer that flying sparks and rock star impersonations would impress viewers, looked pretty good if you could ignore the discarded coat and purse Hope had flung, rather hilariously, into the worst possible spots in the middle of the ballroom floor. Couldn’t someone have scurried in there and cleared those out? I hereby nominate Coco Arquette to be Enthusiastic Prop Collector for the rest of the season.

I loved that very athletic and dramatic move where Maks lowered Hope to the ground face-first and she was nearly parallel to the floor. The pair’s second best move of the night was during the opening pan of the cast, when Maks wagged his tongue at the camera and then gave a pleased little nod, confident that that particular mission had been accomplished. This visual would be worth at least seven pounds, ten shillings if it weren’t already free on TV.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus: 22/30 I know this much is true: Tristan “it’s me job” MacManus is turning out to be far and away my favorite of Our Pros this season! [CUE RANDOM CLIP OF CARRIE ANN OUT OF HER SEAT AND SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE.] I’m really enjoying their studio footage so far — there’s a power struggle at play but it’s clear they’re both just kidding about it. I loved Nancy’s high school cheer recitation from out of nowhere, and Tristan’s imitation of Nancy on her cable show as a teaching moment. “Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Just let people finish their sentences!” Their dances might not ever deliver the biggest wows of the night, but this week’s rumba seemed less stilted than usual, Nancy looked more confident in the moves, and a little shtick in the form of Tristan’s wink to Carrie Ann and Nancy consequently ripping up a photo of her own partner in a leather jacket and lime-colored shades that she’d happened to be admiring in the first few seconds of the dance (?!) never hurt anyone. Tristan’s tongue might, though. Just tuck that puppy in, boy. Tuck of the Irish.

NEXT: Oh my God, Lacey’s dad!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer: 21/30 Nice! Chaz looked like he was having so much more fun during this week’s samba, which provided thought-provoking answers to two age-old questions, How you gonna do it if you really don’t wanna dance? and Get down on what? This was the first time Chaz has seemed like he was constantly moving instead of just posing halfheartedly and shuffling his feet. We can credit Doctor Dance — Lacey’s big ol’ happy dad, Buddy — with this positive diagnosis of “feelin’ it.” Did anyone else rewind the footage of Buddy dancing off by himself like three times? And that name! This guy is totally everyone’s buddy. He’s my new best friend for sure and I’ve never even met him!

Carson Kressley and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya: 19/30 C is for Cartwheel! That’s good enough for me. I mean, obviously this jive was a mess — Bruno called it “a crowning achievement in madness” — but I love how unabashed Carson has been in reminding viewers they can keep his short-shorted ass around, if only they would vote. The season will simply not be as fun or clever if he leaves. I mean, who else would even dream of topping a human pyramid featuring the DWTS Troupe men as a base? Carson is one smart cookie. You’ve gotta keep those decoys busy.

You can tell how much everyone absolutely adores Carson whenever he heads up to Brookebot Mountain and foists one of his signature high five rainbows upon the rest of the cast. Deep down, DANCMSTR loves Carson, too. (He’s been getting his letters.)

And since all the other VIPs (except Tom) are doing it: Here’s a photo of me in the ’80s.

Lookin’ aliiiiiiiiiiiiive! For ballet class!

Nominate your Hidden Gems of the Week before 2 p.m. ET on PopWatch, and read about what J.R. Martinez told EW after Monday’s show on Inside TV.

See you soon, DANCMSTRs!

XOXO,

Fringe Fairy

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