Pamela attempts to get herself out of trouble, while Ann finds her way into it
Credit: Skip Bolen/TNT
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It’s not an episode of Dallas until someone has sex on a desk, someone is offered a bribe, and someone is shot. Let’s dig in.

We opened with Christopher and a reluctant Rebecca playing a detective Pamela’s threatening voicemail to Tommy. When the detective pulled out the form for Rebecca to sign to release Tommy’s dental records, there was no doubt he took this seriously.

Ann began her hour of tears when Bobby returned home to tell her that Emma had never been kidnapped. Ann didn’t want to go to the police station and talk to Emma the next day, she just wanted to give up, but Bobby insisted.

Across town, there was another disagreement: John Ross woke up shirtless at Pamela’s, and after he pulled her back into bed, they couldn’t agree on who got to be on top. He won. Actually, we ALL won with that scene.

Over at the police station, Judith Light returned as Harris’ mother. She has the venomous tone of this show down. She told Ann she was nothing more than an egg donor for Harris, and she was never worthy of being his wife. “There was only one woman good enough for that job, isn’t there? Too bad it’s a crime to marry your son,” Ann said. Ouch! Mama lunged at Ann, possibly because of the incest implication and possibly because of the mixed tenses. Bobby had to separate them. Did you see the way Judith dropped her jaw, like she was going to enjoy getting into this with Bobby. Bobby told Ann that Mama wasn’t worth it, and she should go talk to Emma. “The minute Harris is in prison, I am comin’ for you,” Bobby told Mama. “Oh dear, that’s so sweet. But you’re not my type,” Mama answered. NICE.

I am so over Emma, so allow me to keep this brief. Ann sat alone with her in an interrogation room and explained that yes, she’d been a mess after Emma was born and turned to tranquilizers to dull the pain. But she never stopped looking for her. Emma thought Ann had recovered rather nicely at Southfork, so Anna brought out her memory box to show Emma the items of hers she’d kept. Emma got a bit emotional, but she’s not budging.

John Ross went to see J.R., who was getting help from a hot female member of a nondescript geek squad with his new tablet. J.R. said she was going to teach him all he needs to know to erase the cloud drive on which Bobby keeps all his dirt on his brother. J.R. using a tablet to read Sue Ellen’s loan agreement with Elena was priceless. Did you ever think you’d see J.R. Ewing using one of these devices? Amazing. He found a clause that said if Elena defaults on the loan, Sue Ellen can take all of her shares in Ewing Energies. John Ross still didn’t understand how they were going to convince Sue Ellen to play the bad guy and take the shares. “Son, that girl stomped all over your heart like a Brahman bull goin’ after a rodeo clown,” J.R. said. “You use those puppy dog eyes you got from me, and that’s gonna bring out the mama bear in Sue Ellen.” Fair enough.

On his way out, John Ross ran into Christopher, Elena, and her mother in the kitchen as they were talking about Rebecca getting back on the stand — and how it could mean a church wedding after all. John Ross told Christopher he needs to ask him soon if he wants him to be his best man because he books quickly. Christopher said he was gonna ask him, but he assumes John Ross will be busy that day… trying to screw him over. Down, boys. Elena’s big brother Drew arrived at that moment, and it’s clear they’re not exactly close even though their mother wants them to be.

John Ross went to see Sue Ellen as she was losing yet another donor after her public disgrace. I do love him in a suit. He told Sue Ellen that it might be for the best if the foundation doesn’t turn around: He wants her to start building her own empire and begin by getting paid on the Henderson oil deal she made with Elena. She said she was told Elena hit a salt dome, and it’s nearly impossible to get to the oil. That means it’s not impossible, John Ross translated, and Elena is just too busy with her shares at Ewing Energies to deal with it. Sue Ellen saw through his sudden interest in her dealings with Elena: “Vengeance won’t heal a broken heart,” she said. But then, John Ross turned on those puppy dog eyes and said Elena and Christopher enjoy watching him witness every moment of their rekindled love. He said that Elena played him like a fool, and he didn’t want to see her do the same to Sue Ellen. “I was married to your father for 17 years, I think I’d know when I’m being played,” she said. “But maybe it’s time to show that girl exactly who she’s dealing with.” So, no, Sue Ellen, you can’t tell when you’re being fooled.

NEXT: Frank snarls a lot

Back at Southfork, we found out more about Drew. He doesn’t drink now. He’s back because he wants to drill on the land that their father died on. Slight problem: Their mother sold it to Bobby because she had to pay Drew’s debts when he chose the army over jail. Drew vowed to get the land back and drill on it, even though Elena told him it was dry, because he won’t turn his back on their father’s legacy. Elena later told Christopher that Drew was there when his father died and was unable to save him. She thinks Drew wants to drill on that land until he finds oil or dies himself. Honestly, at this point, I was hoping for the latter.

Rebecca, meanwhile, went to see Pamela and told her about the voicemails on Tommy’s phone. She wants $1 million to go some place that Christopher can’t find her. Frank just stood there listening. He was still listening when the detective came to see Pamela and ask her about the voicemail. She insisted she’d only threatened Tommy because she was afraid of what Christopher would do to him if he didn’t leave. Christopher had threatened to hurt Tommy after Tommy hit her. The detective left. They were pretending to be brother and sister, people. That’s a well-known fact. DO NOT TRUST HER.

Sue Ellen came to see Elena at the office and inquired about the salt dome. Elena said they could sidetrack around it, but she was hoping to get cash from her shares of Ewing Energies so she could front the added cost instead of asking Sue Ellen for more money. That wasn’t her decision, Sue Ellen said. She’s giving her one month to hit the oil, or she’s calling in the loan. Elena told Christopher that Sue Ellen was being a “bitch on wheels” about her not drilling at the Henderson well, and Christopher’s office spy told them that John Ross’ secretary had said he’d been calling his mother a lot lately and wrote her a large check for her foundation. Why are Elena and Christopher not trying to piece together what John Ross is after? I guess they’re just too distracted with Pamela.

Speaking of Pamela, the cops found something at her old condo and called Christopher to come over (because they always do that?). The detective had noticed that Pamela moved out of her condo right as Tommy went missing. He brought out the blue light and detected high-velocity blood splatter in the cracks of the floor. Christopher texted Rebecca about the blood and told her she could be in danger. Naturally, she grabbed her bags and tried to make a run from her hotel — but she didn’t bother to look out her door before opening it. Frank was there, snarling. Did he kill her or just pay her off?

NEXT: J.R. makes Frank an offer, Ann takes matters into her own hands

Elena met her brother at their father’s grave in the field where he died. She convinced Drew to help her out by drilling the Henderson well instead of worrying about their father’s land. (That was easy!) Now I’m okay if Drew sticks around, because she’s gonna need him: John Ross went to see the drilling foreman on that job. He’s gonna pay that guy monthly to NOT hit oil. Bastard. Just take the money to Christopher and Elena, dude, and they’ll match it and then some, I thought. But I’m assuming Drew will soon catch on to this guy, and to stop Drew from reporting it, John Ross will get him drunk to discredit him and make it somehow look like Drew’s fault that they’ve missed the oil.

Frank got home from taking care of Rebecca, and J.R. was there to make Frank an offer: He knows Cliff will protect Pamela and rich folks don’t go to jail. If Frank tells him where Tommy’s body and the gun are, he’ll make sure they pop up — which means Frank gets his seat back at the Barnes Global table and Rebecca doesn’t get a piece of Ewing Energies. Frank was concerned that Cliff would know he sold him out. J.R. just laughed: “Frank, I’m J.R. Ewing. I can make a body appear in the middle of a church social without anybody knowing how it got there.” CLASSIC! How can Frank trust him? Because they both want to destroy Pamela, and, as J.R. pointed out, “It’s a rare and beautiful thing when enemies share the same enemy.” J.R. said he expects his call soon. We’ve yet to hear whether Frank dialed him.

Now it was time for the nice Ewings to get screwed again: Rebecca never showed at the annulment hearing, of course, and apparently it can’t be rescheduled, so divorce court it is. A detective came to Southfork to tell Bobby that they can’t press charges against Harris because the statute of limitations is up. Ann overheard them talking and grabbed her purse. If only she’d had the plan Bobby had. Bobby went to see J.R. and interrupted him as he was Googling himself and laughing at the results that proved he was “quite a scoundrel.” Love it. Bobby asked him to help find a way to bring Harris down. “Don’t you worry, little brother. It’s gonna be my masterpiece,” J.R. said. He smiled, and I teared up and rewound.

John Ross went to see Pamela. He knew Rebecca hadn’t shown up for the hearing and about Tommy’s blood on the floor. He asked her if she’d just been protecting herself when she shot Tommy. What did it matter to him, Pamela wondered. He said he was just protecting the deal. She kissed him. He picked her up, and put her on the desk. Hot? Yes. But hello, John Ross, DANGEROUS. Are we supposed to think he understands her better than anyone? Or that he’ll do ANYTHING to get control of Ewing Energies?

Ann, we found out, went to see Harris. He made sure she wasn’t wearing a wire before he answered her question about why he’d taken Emma from her. He said it was because Ann was going to leave him, and he wouldn’t be humiliated like that. I thought the twist was going to be that Emma had been in the hallway and overheard Harris rub in Ann’s face all the things he’d taken away from her when he kidnapped Emma. But no. When Ann said hearing all that had helped, she meant that it gave her the courage to do what she’d come there to do — to shoot him.

While I can appreciate Ann doing something more than crying, and wanting Harris dead, I’m hoping she didn’t ruin our chance to see Judith Light and Larry Hagman go at it before his final episode airs. If Bobby gets arrested for the (attempted) murder, which the promo for next week seems to suggest, J.R. will have to deal with Mama’s wrath, right? Fingers crossed.

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