The Ewings' enemies all decide to get revenge at once, so who do we blame?

By Mandi Bierly
April 15, 2014 at 03:34 AM EDT
Skip Bolen/TNT
S3 E8
Show DetailsAbout Dallas
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If you’re a fan of Nashville, you know that its season 1 finale had just about every kind of cliffhanger imaginable. Well, this hour of Dallas topped its creativity with a poked diaphragm, a drug overdose during an adulterous threesome, potential alcohol poisoning, and a fire that could have been caused by at least two people that now threatens three lives. Let’s dig in.

We opened with Elena freaking out about Drew to Nicolas, who wanted her to trust him to keep her brother safe. Reluctantly, she agreed. The next morning, John Ross was busy going over plans for an addition to Southfork when Bobby told him that he’d build a proper master suite for Pamela — which was a slippery slope to bringing all of Southfork down (foreshadowing!) — over his dead body. While following a trail of rose petals out to meet John Ross for her surprise, Pamela got one all right: She checked her phone and saw the video of him and Emma. Cue the credits!

Christopher and his bloody knuckles were late to rise, but at least he sleeps shirtless. And shaves shirtless. The facial hair is gone. He drove out to see Heather, who likes dimples, with some hot chocolate and an offer for them to move in together. She was right to tell him to slow down and think about whether this is what he really wants because she can’t have him change his mind when her son is involved. Speaking of Michael, Heather got a call that Bo had taken him from school. Off she and Christopher drove.

John Ross couldn’t find Pamela, but Bum called him to say he’d uncovered some info. on Candy. Drew found his mother at the market and said a dramatic goodbye. After Sue Ellen raved about her sober coach to Ann, they saw water running out of the bathroom door. They discovered Pamela sitting on the floor, fully clothed, with the tub running over. She was comatose for a moment, but then she showed them the video on her phone. You knew she was going to explode in anger when she found out they’ve known about the affair. And she did. “It’s over” is not comforting, people.

Sue Ellen was fantasizing about filling an empty bourbon decanter and wanted to leave Southfork, but Ann wouldn’t let her self-destruct. They told Bobby what was happening and he made this all about Ann keeping secrets from him again. He told her to kick Emma out. That’s a bit of a double standard there, even if he thinks she’s the one who sent the video. But then again, John Ross does have a right to be on Southfork and Emma doesn’t.

NEXT: Judith Light is awesome

Christopher called in Officer Derrick, who was working to put an Amber Alert out on Michael while John Ross paid Candy, who has a prostitution arrest on her record, a visit and offered to pay her bills and rent if she told him why Harris was trying to get him to sleep with his escorts. She apparently told him off-camera because John Ross showed up at the brothel to have a chat with “Madam Judy,” who’s been AWOL for far too many episodes. He threatened to have Candy testify that Judith Ryland had tried to frame him if she didn’t call Harris off. Judith wanted to know what his intentions were toward Emma. He admitted they weren’t honorable. They both said they’d do whatever it takes to protect their families. After John Ross left, Emma emerged from behind the trick wall. She’d heard everything. She claimed she had no expectations of him leaving Pamela. Right. Judith told her he’d kick her aside once he got his foot in the door at Ryland Transport. She wanted her to finish the plan and get the DNA on the dress. “I know, from personal experience, what pleasure strong men can give women like us and how sometimes our hearts get involved even when we don’t want them to. Be smart, my darling girl,” she said. “They heel better when they have a leash around their neck.”

I never could stand Drew, and he remains the worst. He was waiting in Nicolas’ car to ask him to join his quest for immediate revenge against the Ewings. Nicolas told him that he and Elena had a plan to take everything from the Ewings that won’t put them in jail, so he just had to be patient. Nope. Drew wants blood for blood and said he’d do it alone. Okay, 1.) The Ewings didn’t kill your dad, Drew. J.R. did. 2.) Is the blood of Christopher’s babies not enough for you? Nicolas called the cartel and convinced them to put every man on the hunt for Drew.

Derrick called Christopher to tell him Bo’s car was spotted at the rodeo and he was there with the boy. (Anyone else wish Derrick had called the boy’s mother first?) Emma phoned John Ross and told him she’d gotten rid of the dress for him (a lie). She said her grandmother was starting to train her in the family business. She demanded he come over to celebrate. Judith, meanwhile, told Harris they had a problem. “One of the dalmations get loose?” he cracked. Ha! She told him to take care of John Ross.

At the rodeo, we learned Bo had taken Michael there to prove to him he wasn’t a loser. But when the cops descended, Bo fought them and then ran off. Michael was fine and back with his mother, and Christopher told Heather he was all in for their relationship, but hold up: Bo’s brother warned them that Bo blames the Ewings for everything. He was headed to Southfork.

Elena was having another breakdown when Nicolas came home. She’d come to her senses and realized that while Christopher had blamed her for what Drew had done to his family (and then later apologized for that), he hadn’t killed her father. J.R. had, and he was dead. I wondered why he’d been looking at her purse: After he escorted Elena into the bathroom to draw a bath and before he made her some comfort food, HE TOOK HER DIAPHRAGM FROM HER PURSE AND POKED HOLES IN IT WITH A NEEDLE. I howled. So he just wants to make her more loyal to him?

NEXT: Burn, baby, burn

Ann had gone to see Harris to tell him Bobby was kicking Emma out of the house and he had to protect her now. She was angry at Bobby, Emma, and herself, and Harris suggested she be mad at him instead and invited her in for a drink. She accepted. On her way out, they had a civil conversation about why they didn’t last as a couple — which ended with Harris kissing her. Ann broke it off and Harris apologized. Judith watched from a window and fumed.

Sue Ellen found Pamela standing outside by the new addition markers and tried to explain again that she’d only been trying to spare her the pain and humiliation she’d felt when she’d learned of J.R.’s infidelities. But Pamela snapped back saying that she wasn’t a weak drunk like Sue Ellen. Ouch. Pamela tracked John Ross’ phone — which would have been useful on their wedding day, no? — and saw that he was at the hotel. Off she went as Sue Ellen downed a bottle of liquor.

Emma put on the infamous green lingerie, and she and John Ross were on the bed making out when Pamela walked into the room all cold and crazy-eyed. The way she had her hand in her pocket, you thought she was going to shoot them both. Or at least Emma. “Love what you’re wearing,” she said to Emma, smirking. And then she took off her coat and had the same lingerie on. SHE ASKED TO JOIN THEM and climbed onto the bed. WHAT??? There was nowhere for her to hide a gun. Was she going to strangle Emma? Pamela kissed her as John Ross watched uncomfortably. Then he got the nod from Pamela to come play. When we came back from commercial, John Ross took off his shirt and joined them on the bed and the kissing began.

Elena got out her diaphragm and joined Drew in bed. Ewww. Bo had arrived at Southfork — smoking — as Sue Ellen stumbled into J.R./John Ross’ room to drink the bourbon. She passed out on the floor. We saw Bo get out of his vehicle, but we didn’t see who started the fire. We saw Bo lurking, so we’re supposed to think it was him. But was it Drew?

Pamela was the center of attention in bed when she started convulsing. Emma and John Ross found a pill bottle and called 911. Bobby and Christopher arrived home to the flames. They ran into the house yelling for Sue Ellen and Ann. Sue Ellen was still passed out, and eventually beams fell on Christopher and Bobby and seemed to knock them out.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Of course, the promo for the new episodes, which resume Aug. 18, appeared to leave Sue Ellen’s survival as the only real cliffhanger. I’m guessing Ann got home and called for help. Or maybe Bo will redeem himself and save the Ewings if Drew started the fire? Theories? Go!

P.S. Is it wrong that I’m most worried about Southfork itself?

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