John Ross and Pamela had their wedding, but the day was far from perfect
Credit: Lewis Jacobs/NBC
S3 E4
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A furry fetishist and a Monica Lewinsky plot in one episode: It can only be Dallas. (Or Bones. Or Scandal. But this time it was Dallas.)

We opened with Christopher continuing his conversation with Nicolas’ wife in Mexico. She told him that Nicolas changed his name in 1997 when he had a chance to leave his penniless orphan past behind him. Christopher told her that he never would have guessed Nicolas was married by the way he conducts himself in Dallas. Dick move or good strategy? We got a first glimpse of Drew this season peeking out a door as Christopher left. (Snooze.)

After John Ross left Pamela love-less again — though this time it was only because he’d scored a meeting with the railroad commissioner that had to happen on the morning of his wedding — Sue Ellen whispered loudly to Ann that she’d been right about John Ross and Emma having an affair. They got into a fight because Sue Ellen wants Emma to move out, and Ann thinks she’s not safe outside Southfork considering Harris’ dealings with the cartel. Sue Ellen wondered aloud if she’d rather have had someone tell her J.R. was a cheating bastard before it was too late. But it IS too late, Sue Ellen, because John Ross and Pamela are technically already married. Cue the music!

On his way out, John Ross took the time to make Emma feel like crap for the stunt she’d pulled with the matching lingerie last episode. “You know, you may screw like a woman, but you act like an attention-starved little brat. Truth hurts don’t it?” She told him to go to hell, and then she went inside and played more games with Pamela. She also drove Sue Ellen to drink from her flask again, which explains why she wouldn’t just find a room to put her purse in since she’s obviously staying there all day.

Nicolas taking a call wearing only a towel? No, you cannot get me to like him that easily. Damn it if Drew didn’t win back points though by admitting he still feels ashamed for planting the bomb that killed Christopher’s and Pamela’s babies. He thought maybe he should come back to Dallas and face the consequences. Nicolas told him no, it would break his mother’s heart. Also, I’m wondering if Nicolas thinks Drew might warn the Ewings out of guilt and/or find his adopted brother screwing his sister distasteful?

Christopher arrived home and after flirting with Heather, who’s working the wedding as a server, told Bobby what he’d learned in Mexico. Bobby said Carlos was coming to the wedding, maybe he could help them figure out what Nicolas was hiding pre-1997. Meanwhile, when John Ross showed up to meet the railroad commissioner, he found the commissioner’s friend Harris instead. Harris said he could get the commissioner to shut down the Sierra Club’s investigation into the Lesser Prairie Chicken on Southfork and get John Ross fracking, in exchange for the files that Emma stole. John Ross said he could have one thing back. The orange flash drive. That meant John Ross had to call and apologize to Emma, so he could ask her to bring it. She took the call while Pamela’s mother Afton was busy insulting Pamela’s decision to wear her hair down and pointing out that no one had heard from John Ross. Sue Ellen had seen that’s who was on Emma’s phone — maybe file him under a fake name, Emma.

NEXT PAGE: Sit, doggy

While I thought about how good Bobby and Christopher looked in tuxes without ties, Carlos assured them he’d get to the bottom of Nicolas’ past, if he could. He also drank some of J.R.’s signature bourbon. Emma arrived to meet John Ross without the flash drive because she wanted to know that she wasn’t in this alone first. Even if he’ll help her get her dad behind bars, which is not what he’s intending to do with that flash drive, you can tell Emma wants more from John Ross if she gets upset watching him fawn over his wife. Still, John Ross sweet-talked his way into her going to fetch the flash drive.

The guests had started to arrive for the wedding, including Nicolas who was there with Elena. He out-smartassed Christopher when he told him they really do have the same taste in women after Christopher mentioned he’d met Nicolas’ lovely wife. The relatives reminded Christopher they’d been at Southfork for his wedding, then he reminded Elena that she doesn’t like to play around with married men. John Ross had gone to see Harris at… a brothel? Harris took him into a surveillance room, where they watched the railroad commissioner get busy with a woman wearing a dog costume. John Ross went in and cut his deal. Harris had kept up his end of the bargain. Now John Ross just needed Emma to deliver the flash drive, which she finally did to Bum, who still had to get it to John Ross. And the wedding was 20 minutes from starting. Afton gave Sue Ellen grief for not raising her son better after all the despicable things J.R. had done to her. “Just so you know, Afton, the most despicable thing J.R. ever did was you,” Sue Ellen snapped. Point for Sue Ellen! And drink!

Harris wanted to give John Ross a wedding present while they waited for Bum — their names were Sapphire and Chastity. Chastity hit her knees and had his pants unzipped, despite John Ross’ protests. Luckily Bum showed up in time to save him. He’d made a copy of the flash drive and said it was encrypted. Harris secretly confirmed it had his CIA files on it, and then gave the disk to John Ross. Oh, and he told John Ross to stop sleeping with Emma.

At Southfork, Nicolas talked his way out of Elena thinking he was a bastard — the divorce papers just aren’t signed because the lawyers haven’t reached a settlement, it’s always been her — and Sue Ellen threatened to tell Pamela about John Ross’ affair herself if he doesn’t stop bedding Emma. He thinks it’s just business and it doesn’t change the way he feels about Pamela at all. It won’t hurt her as long as she doesn’t find out about it. Man, he knows exactly where to verbally hit a lady: “You have looked the other way your whole life, mama. One more time’s not gonna hurt.” He said that even after he’d smelled the alcohol on her breath. I want to like John Ross. Lines like that make it hard.

At least Afton got to slap the back of John Ross’ head when she left him alone to apologize to Pamela. He told her everything he’d done that day was for her, so he could give her all that she deserves. She said her father had used the same excuse every time he hadn’t shown up for her. Really, it was always about Cliff and his greed and need for power. YEP. RUN, PAMELA. But John Ross really does love her, in his own way, and he was convincing when he said he’d always show up for her. (Just late. Good thing he didn’t go for that joke, or he would’ve been slapped again.)

NEXT PAGE: The wedding and sex montage

Bobby walked Pamela down the aisle as Emma held back tears. Christopher got in one last jab as best man: “So if you need any advice, you know, from someone who’s been through this before, with the same bride…” Ha. Like we wish we could do in real life, we skipped the actual ceremony and went right to the reception where Christopher was skulking about and Bobby was at the bar peddling J.R.’s bourbon again. John Ross told Bobby that the railroad commissioner was giving him the drilling permit, and Bobby told him, once again, that J.R. never drilled the ranch and neither would he.

Bobby went inside and called the railroad commissioner to let him have it. Then he told Sue Ellen he was out of moves. She said she wasn’t. OOH. That’s gonna be good. John Ross and Pamela drove off in their “Just Married (Again)!!!” car and Heather found Christopher in the horse barn. He made the first move this time, and it was pretty hot. They started the total humpfest that followed by literally rolling around in the hay, while Pamela and John Ross, and Elena and Nicolas, went at it in beds elsewhere. Poor Emma cried alone in her room.

When Nicolas returned home, he found his wife waiting for him. She’s decided she wants to stay in the marriage. If Nicolas doesn’t give it another go, she’ll tell the Ewings what he owes and who he owes it to. She said that would make him lose Elena, too. Interesting.

At the brothel, Harris was told that the Madam wanted to see him. He switched out the hard drives and went inside another room. It was, of course, HIS MOTHER. He told her he’d gotten the log files for his transactions with the cartel back (keeping her in the dark about the CIA), and that he was sure Emma actually had the files. “We did raise her to be smart,” Judith said, toasting herself. Harris said John Ross was still controlling Emma, so they had to break them up. He’d gotten photos taken of John Ross with Sapphire and Chastity all over him. Inspired by Monica Lewinsky, he’d also gotten the dress Chastity had been wearing. Turns out she was only 16. It was missing one key “substance,” Judith noted. Enter John Ross’ secretary, who will fit that dress just fine. Okay, if John Ross sleeps with his secretary, then I have no problem with him getting blackmailed to 1.) stay away from Emma and 2.) stay the hell away from Ryland Transportation (which you know would be next).

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