Surprise! Judith Light returns and gets the sexiest, most badass scene
Credit: Skip Bolen/TNT
S3 E2
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I get a little sad when I don’t see the ‘S’ for sex in the rating for an episode of Dallas, but when you have Judith Light running a man’s hands over her body to check for a wire and play-snorting cocaine (twice!), who needs it?! Let’s dig in.

Suspicious of John Ross and Emma’s relationship, Sue Ellen met Bum to ask him to spy on John Ross. In other news, Sue Ellen needs to invest in a burner phone. Bum asked why she’d risk ruining her relationship with John Ross if he were to find out about her putting a tail on him. She said she doesn’t want him to have to wait a lifetime to figure out what J.R. had: that the path of cheating on your wife for a business deal only leads to heartbreak and misery. Would J.R. really have told him that? I think Bum knows better. Regardless, cue Sue Ellen taking a drink from her designer flask.

Over at Harris’ house, he was pissed to find his accordion file missing from his safe. “Daddy’s home,” he told Emma. She tried to play dumb, and he threatened to put her in a secure therapeutic setting where she couldn’t hurt herself (because yes, he could say she’s back on the drugs and a danger to herself). That is some cold s–t, Harris. When Emma told John Ross about the threat, he was of course mostly worried about his precious ships, though he promised he’d send Harris back to jail so he couldn’t harm her. He phoned Bum asking for a meet. Bum said he’d be there soon — since he was perched on a nearby building taking photos of Emma straddling John Ross, who’d end up telling Bum that he was out of breath because the elevator from his penthouse was broken and he had to take the stairs. Ha.

At Southfork, Bobby was awake comparing the seismic map John Ross had given him to one from 1980, which showed the shale top was clearly below the surface. Once Bobby decided he’d commission a new map, Ann told him to come to bed: “When I watch Duck Dynasty without you, I get all the beards confused.” Before they got upstairs, Officer Derrick was at the door to tell them Harris was out of jail because the judge dropped the case. (Something else that could have been a simple phone call.) Proving the Ewings do still know how to work a cellphone, Bobby called his buddy at the U.S. Attorney’s office. He’d taken stupid pills, according to Bobby, and wasn’t pursuing the case because doors were slamming in his face. Bobby told Ann they’d call in a favor from their U.S. Senator friend Joe McAllister.

John Ross, meanwhile, was flirting and asking his new secretary at Ewing Global for a favor: He wanted to find out why Christopher was meeting with seismic guy Howard, who doesn’t know how to high-five. Christopher told John Ross that they weren’t fracking Southfork until they confirmed he was within his surface rights to drill. Nicolas made his appearance to detect the tension, and Christopher reminded him that the Ewings always band together when it comes to outsiders. To make nice, Christopher invited him to a Southfork barbecue that Saturday.

Elena couldn’t find anything on the Ewing Global server that implicated the family in framing Cliff for J.R.’s murder. She said she needed to get to Bobby’s home computer. That’s when Nicolas told her about his invite, and she reminded him that her mother doesn’t know about their plan to bring the Ewings down. Doesn’t she deserve to know that they’re essentially responsible for her husband’s death? (Why can’t they see J.R. was the one responsible? Why do they assume Bobby and the rest of the family knew about him switching the deeds? I imagine if they proved it to Bobby, he’d give them a lump sum because he’s decent like that. It won’t bring Elena’s father back, but neither will this revenge scheme.)

NEXT PAGE: John Ross likes his women scary

After John Ross dropped a load of cash on Harold’s desk to encourage the results to favor his surface rights, he returned home to find Pamela drinking by the pool. She was pissed that he wasn’t home sooner to help her decide on centerpieces for their wedding reception, but also about him flirting in the office. Hand to God, he said, nothing is going on between him and his secretary. “If I ever find out you’ve been stepping out on me, God’s wrath will be the least of your worries,” Pamela warned him. Ooh, this is gonna be good when she does find that out. For now, he considers her threats sexy.

Finding angry women cute runs in the family. That’s why Christopher didn’t stop ranch hand Heather from giving it to him over John Ross’ plan to frack Southfork, which will take land away from the cattle and put folks like her out of work. He invited her to the barbecue, which Elena’s mother was handling because the caterers suck. Elena told her about “Joaquin” coming, being called Nicolas now, and working for Cliff, and Carmen correctly surmised that this was part of a plan to bring the Ewings down and she said she won’t be a part of it. But, I imagine, she also won’t blow her daughter’s cover.

The second best scene of the episode? When Judith Light made her triumphant return, the sound of her cane preceded her. Harris had grabbed his gun, unsure of who it would be rounding the corner. “Let’s not shoot Mommy on her first day home,” she said, laughing. God, she’s good. How did she get out? Emma went to get her. Judith (that’s her character name, too, should you have forgotten) agreed with Harris that locking a parent away is an evil deed, but she said she’d keep Emma under control. She’d put what Harris did to her behind her and take back control of Ryland Transportation. He told her if they don’t get their trucks rolling again, the Mexican cartel would kill them. She was annoyed that he hadn’t told her about that side of the business, but morality’s not an issue for her — she wanted to meet his friends. “Latin men are so passionate,” she cooed. Harris said she had no idea what she was getting into: “I made my bones dealing with psychopaths and criminals while you were still playing with your Easy Bake Oven,” she hissed. “Set the meeting. It’s time to renegotiate.” BONES?! Can we get her a spinoff?

Barbecue time! John Ross was flirting with yet another blonde, which annoyed Emma, Sue Ellen, and of course Pamela. Sue Ellen complimented Ann on the spread but noted that in the old days, this would end with a fistfight in the pool. “It’s still early,” Ann quipped. Bum told Sue Ellen that John Ross never went near Emma and that she might be projecting the wrongs J.R. did to her on to him. Heather showed up with her hair down, wearing a short white dress. She and Christopher hit the dance floor for some two-steppin’. Once Nicolas arrived, Pamela grabbed him for a dance to make John Ross jealous with a little hip grinding. At the seismic test site, Harold gave the money John Ross had tried to bribe him with to Bobby. Bobby wasn’t mad at John Ross — he wouldn’t have been his nephew if he hadn’t tried that move. Bobby gave the money back to Harold for being honest. See: Decent!

After Christopher tried to offer Nicolas twice what Cliff must be paying him, Nicolas started inquiring about Elena to annoy/distract Christopher. Nicolas went inside to see the temptress who’d caused him to go off his diet, Carmen. He told her lying wasn’t easy for her but she had to trust him. She talked about seeing the light and darkness battle for him, and ooh, she let it be known that he’d be in trouble if she saw him leading either of her kids into the latter. Go, Carmen!

Elena went into Bobby’s office and switched out his hard drive. Would he really be that dumb? (Yes.) Nicolas asked Elena to show him around Dallas and tell him why he should sell off part of Barnes Global to pay for the arctic leases, and Christopher warned her not to go. Too bad. Heather came to say goodbye to Christopher and planted a kiss on him because she’s “direct.” She thinks he’s handsome and nice and that they could have a lot of fun together. When he’s ready for it, she’s interested. Well played.

NEXT PAGE: More use of the word frackin’!

The seismic results were in: It was close and Harold rechecked it three times, but the shale is in John Ross’ surface rights. Hold up — in Christopher’s conversation with Nicolas, he’d caught him in a $100 million discrepancy talking about the deal he’d done with Cliff. So Christopher assumes it’s a bogus deal and there’s another reason why Nicolas is serving as Cliff’s proxy. Maybe Cliff has something on him. It’ll still take too long to confirm it, John Ross said, so he’s frackin’. Bobby’s going to try to delay John Ross while Christopher heads to Mexico.

Bobby’s hard drive yielded an email from Bobby to Carlos Del Sol that said he’d talked to Rhonda Simmons and she agreed to play ball with them about J.R. Oops! Bum met up with John Ross and told him he hadn’t found anything on Harris yet, but he gave him the photos he’d taken of him and Emma. That’s nice that even though he lied to Sue Ellen, Bum still delivered the message, which was grow into your father’s greatness, not his weakness. Either way, John Ross needs to get an apartment that’s not all windows because next time it could be an enemy behind the lens.

In Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, Judith and Harris met with the man I presume is the head of the cartel at a rodeo ring. BEST SCENE OF THE EPISODE: When the man said Judith hadn’t earned the trust he’d built with Harris over the years, she undid her jacket and slid his hands up and down her body so he could make sure she wasn’t wired. AMAZING. “I feel like we’ve known each other forever, don’t you?” she said, caressing his chest. SHE IS THE BEST THING EVER. She told him the Ryland Transportation trucks would be scrutinized, so they’d now be owned by a shell company and carry drilling fluid and waste water. She was changing the route to the shale trucking routes — private roads where there’d be no border agent in sight. She was raising the price just a bit because she knows it’s costing him millions every day that his cocaine route is shutdown. And OMG, she wanted to seal the deal with a taste of the product. SHE SNORTED A LINE OF COKE: “Hot damn. Mama like.” She snorted another line and ran her finger suggestively around her teeth. Still, the cartel man told her another interruption in the process would be fatal for the family. Spoiler alert! It was Harris who was wired, unbeknownst to his mother. He got a call saying there was a problem. Senator McAllister called Bobby.

Bobby and Ann were stopped on their way to, I presume, meet McAllister. They were told to stop looking into the circumstances around Harris’ release. It turns out Harris is working for the CIA. Four years ago, when the cartel came to him to run drugs, Harris went to them. The cartel guys are actually ex-commando of the Mexican army, using the drug money and influence to take down the Mexican government. The cartel thinks they flipped a dirty judge. If Bobby and Ann keep asking questions, they’ll hurt Emma and Ann, Harris told them. Crazy? Yes. Awesome? Yes!

Your turn. What did you think of the episode?

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