John Ross and Christopher have a moment, Rebecca and Tommy have a secret
Credit: Bill Matlock
S1 E8
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Oh, Dallas. I know we’re supposed to be shocked (shocked!) that Rebecca and Tommy aren’t really siblings, but we all kinda suspected it, right? Of course, now it explains why Rebecca wouldn’t just go to Christopher and tell him that Tommy is trying to steal the plans for his technology that I could take the time to rewind and describe accurately but instead I’ll leave it vague. Tommy would tell Christopher that he and Rebecca were lovers, which I presume means she was in on the plan to steal from him all along. I do believe she fell in love with Christopher along the way and stopped sleeping with Tommy, but no way Christopher can get past that lie. Let’s dig in.

Loved John Ross’ steamy mug shot and the fact that he took off his button down shirt for it. Simple black V-neck T-shirt is definitely the way to go. He was booked on murder charges after the cops couldn’t find the surveillance footage from Marta’s room and he wouldn’t tell them about Vicente’s men. Sue Ellen wanted to help, or at least call J.R., but John Ross didn’t want her threatening her gubernatorial campaign (too late, I imagine his arrest itself made headlines) or involving his daddy. He wanted to clean this mess up himself since he started it by boinking Marta, a transgression he wanted to keep from Elena.

Everyone was worried about John Ross but Christopher, who we learned has a douchey Ewing 6 license plate. In Christopher’s mind, you play with snakes long enough, you get bit. He also had other stuff to worry about, like asking the sheriff to run a background check on Rebecca and turning down the offer from an Exxon guy who didn’t bother to make an appointment, just showed up, asking to buy the exclusive rights to Christopher’s technology.

Sometimes John Ross can be so stupid. Maybe he was off his game because even he couldn’t pull off an orange jumpsuit, but you don’t tell a man like Vicente you’re going to rat him out. Have you not seen any mobster movie? And backing up, we all knew Vicente was the kind of man who would kill Marta, and she was dangerous. Regardless, John Ross made the threat to come clean to the cops about the fraud and Marta’s death, and Vicente refused to give him the footage and threatened to alter it to incriminate John Ross further. Vicente was tired of waiting for his oil, too, so John Ross’ time was up.

Vicente went to see Bobby, who I think should have been a little more clear about the fact that John Ross didn’t know Bobby owned the mineral rights when the deal was done. With Bobby still refusing to let anyone drill on Southfork, Vicente had two Latino inmates beat the crap out of John Ross while the three of them were just hanging out outside the cells. Strange, but okay. That was actually a pretty brutal scene to watch. Well done. I may have yelled “Not the face!” more than once. The message was clear: Either John Ross gets Bobby to let them drill, or they kill John Ross.

NEXT: John Ross’ “Awww” moments

John Ross had possible internal bleeding, so he was going to stay in the hospital for 24 hours for monitoring. The family, including Elena, rushed to him. They knew they had to get him out before he was put back in general population. Sue Ellen had a plan, but worried what it would make her if she crossed a line — a mother, Ann said. You know how Three’s Company was based on miscommunication, someone always overheard something out of context and responded accordingly. Well, Dallas is based on NO COMMUNICATION. No one bothered to tell Sue Ellen that after realizing he and John Ross are alike — they’re both just desperately trying to please their fathers — Christopher had decided to sacrifice for the family and offer Vicente the exclusive South American rights to his technology instead of the oil. Sue Ellen had gone to the medical examiner and promised him he would be the next chief medical examiner if he ruled Marta’s death a suicide. He was reluctant, but Sue Ellen said sources told her he was writing more prescriptions than Michael Jackson’s doctors, which was odd since his patients are dead. (Was he actually doing that, or was she just going to set him up? I assume the former, but she could have just gone with that and not offered the job then, right?)

Anyway, after Bobby and the most well-behaved horse ever visited his mother’s grave (loved how Bobby put his hat on the gate) and he said he was going to okay the drilling, Christopher announced his plan and took it to Vicente, who accepted it. John Ross had told Christopher about the footage, so he asked for that back as part of the deal. Once it was miraculously found on the roof of the hotel, John Ross was cleared. And the medical examiner was pissed because he risked his career and let a killer go free. Sue Ellen can’t bear to look at her campaign literature — “Honest for a change.” Then just don’t run, lady. There. Solved.

I audibly “Awww”ed twice in this hour. The first time was when J.R. touched John Ross’ hair in the hospital. He came back from Vegas, where he was busy taking the fruit out of his drink (“What the hell is that?”), after Bum told him about the prison incident. Again, we all knew it was J.R. sneaking into the hospital room when the guard conveniently took a break, but it was still hellacool the way they allowed us to ID J.R. by the shadow of his cowboy hat. Bravo. The second time I “Awww”ed was when John Ross and Christopher shook hands and John Ross said, “Thank you, cousin. Thank you.” Just typing it made me say, “Awww.” I love male bonding. Particularly when one of them is wounded. (And yes, John Ross is still better lookin’.)

So that leaves us with the Rebecca and Tommy situation. Tommy had come to pester Rebecca while Ann was visiting, and Ann told him she’d get him a job on her cousin’s ranch in Oklahoma if he would just leave already. He pretended he actually would go. Later, Christopher was in a forgiving mood after the John Ross incident, and since Rebecca’s background check had come back clean, he was going to at least try to like her again if she promised there were no more secrets. Well, as we found out when Tommy paid Rebecca another visit, he’d seen an email from the Exxon guy and knows Christopher’s plans are worth more than the wedding rings Rebecca offered him as a goodbye present. He already has a buyer for the plans, so he wants to renegotiate. That’s when he KISSED HER. She acted repulsed, and he asked if she was so deep in the lie that she believed they were brother and sister. If she doesn’t steal him those drill plans, he’s going to tell Christopher everything. [Cue the smile. Kiss on her cheek. Her chin shaking.] We’ve seen what shady things mothers will do for their kids on this show. Is pregnant Rebecca going to murder Tommy? If so, how?

Your turn. What did you think of the episode? Are you ready to see more of J.R.? For a fix, check out my interview with the show’s head of makeup, who explains Larry Hagman’s eyebrows.

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