Zade Rosenthal/TNT


S1 E4
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June 28, 2012 at 04:26 AM EDT

I know I promised that I’d break these recaps down into who’s screwing who, but before we get with all the backstabbing this week, CAN WE DISCUSS THAT COW? There’s no way you could miss the analogy because they did everything but use a telestrator to draw an arrow on the screen connecting Christopher — who confessed to Bobby that he can’t stop thinking about what could’ve been with Elena even though he knows a good man doesn’t leave his new wife — and that pregnant cow whose calf had punctured her uterus, caused massive internal bleeding, and couldn’t be turned. Bobby had told Christopher he wouldn’t tell him what to do about Rebecca, only that he had to make a decision one way or the other. When the cow had enough of that stilted dialogue — she could only stay silent for so long in that much pain — she started moaning again, and Bobby pretended he was Billy Crystal delivering Norman in City Slickers. Bobby wanted to cut the cow open and save the calf; Christopher wanted to take the cow to town so a vet could try to save them both. If you wait too long, you’ll lose them both, Bobby said. GET THAT? IF CHRISTOPHER WAITS TOO LONG, HE’LL LOSE BOTH REBECCA AND ELENA.

I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. We didn’t see Curly shoot the cow, we just found out when Bobby and Christopher introduced the calf to its new mom that yes, they’d had to put the old mom down. “It was the right call,” Christopher said. “Yeah, his new mom is gonna take good care of him,” Bobby said. GET THAT? REBECCA IS THE NEW COW. Just incase that wasn’t heavy-handed enough for you, we got some talk about how Bobby always told Christopher he was special because he and Pam chose him as their adopted son. So that means what? Things happen for a reason, just because it wasn’t the original plan doesn’t mean it’s not the best thing for you, and people like knowing they were the pick? Deep. That entire cow situation was so awesomely bad… I loved it.

The other highlight of sheer hilarity: J.R.’s attempt to remind Elena that John Ross has always liked her because she was the only one who could get him to study or even finish a book.

Elena: He was dyslexic, not stupid.

J.R.: Yeah. Listen, why don’t you ask him to the barbecue today….

Amazing. That segue was about as good as the time I transitioned from one question to another during an interview with Scott Baio by simply saying, “So, Heather Locklear.”

Now back to our regularly scheduled program: Who’s Screwing Who This Week.

J.R. is screwing John Ross. Big Time. I feel like I must be a good person, because I thought J.R. was going to have his private eye knock off Marta Del Sol, or at least tail her so she didn’t hurt John Ross, after J.R. learned that “Marta” is actually Veronica Martinez, a bipolar woman with two arrests for stalking her ex-boyfriends — one of whom she went after with a skinning knife. “I’d say when it comes to jealousy, our girl is crazier than an outhouse rat,” J.R. surmised, smiling. Why is an outhouse rat crazy? I refuse to Google it. Instead, J.R.’s plan was to get photos of John Ross and Elena looking cozy so he could take them to Marta, who would be mixing champagne and Lithium at the time, naturally, and in her rage, she’d agree to rework the Southfork deal so the Venezuelans would sign it over to J.R. alone.

Three things: 1.) I’m still not convinced the Venezuelans aren’t screwing J.R. somehow and Marta won’t die a horrible drug-related death made to look like an overdose. 2.) Why did J.R. tell Marta that John Ross was with Elena at the goodbye Southfork BBQ (which wasn’t as crowded as I’d expected)? I assume he doesn’t actually WANT her to kill his son. Does he want Marta to go there, make a scene and get arrested before she can tell John Ross those photos came from J.R., who also gave her the idea to screw him out of the deal? 3.) Did anyone else, for a second, think J.R. was propositioning Marta to be his mistress when he said she’d at least know what she was getting with him?

NEXT: John Ross needs some work in the screwing department

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