The new Rebecca vows to break her old patterns, but ends up back in familiar arms

By Michelle Newman
March 28, 2016 at 10:56 PM EDT
Scott Everett White/The CW
  • TV Show

Remember at the end of last episode when it looked like Rebecca might finally stop looking for happiness in the form of testosterone and spend some time on herself? Well, folks, I think that hope was short-lived because just when we thought Rebecca 2.0 was making progress with her promise to break her old patterns, she jumped right back into one. Let’s be honest, there was a lot of Rebecca 1.0 in her final minute decision tonight, regardless of what his name was.

Rebecca started off strong, though, didn’t she? After she admits to Josh that she had…has…had feelings for him, she insists she’s going to change. She even wants to reach out to Valencia! “She hates your guts,” Josh reminds her, but Rebecca doesn’t care. She’s on a journey to be free of damaging, unhealthy things, which makes wanting to mend fences with Valencia instead of cutting her out of her life (or just cutting her) seem completely contradictory, but I’ll be optimistic.

Going “cold turkey on the Chan” is Step One of the new Rebecca, and much to Paula’s horror, Rebecca throws out all her Josh merch: thongs, pillows, mugs, even the macaroni portrait. Getting the reprieve, however, is the creepy “Channie-Bear.” Yeah, I’m not so sure I’d put that out for the public waste management fellows to see, either. Paula is outraged. She won’t support Rebecca’s abrupt detox, especially when the game has just begun. “You have antibodies to his saliva!” Paula shouts. Sounds like someone needs a hug from Channie-Bear.

Later, Greg is study drinking at a local bar when Rebecca walks in. “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine,” he mumbles. Okay, fine, he doesn’t, but he should’ve. And just when it looks like they’re going to hang out and flirt (i.e., trade snarky barbs at each other), Rebecca 2.0 appears, reminding herself that she’s committed to breaking her old, bad patterns. Sorry, Greg, but it appears you’re one of them.

Don’t feel too sorry for him, though, because he doesn’t care. About anything. Despite his cockiness, he’s angry and bitter about having to attend crappy extension school when he got into Emory, “the Harvard of the south.” (BTW, I Googled it, because he told me to, and it’s actually Vanderbilt. Wah wah.) But whoop-de-frickin’-do, he raps. He could do lots of things … if he wanted to, which he doesn’t.

Meanwhile, the new-and-improved Rebecca is being tested. Josh’s mom and sisters show up at her apartment, and Jayma, the oldest sister, has a question: She asks Rebecca to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The whole family loves Rebecca, remember, and besides, “you are the perfect height to pair with Phillip’s friend Daniel who stopped growing after being a kid gymnast,” Jayma points out.

When Rebecca hesitates (stay strong, 2.0!), Paula pulls her away to remind her how much this will kill Valencia, which is a great point. But since Rebecca ain’t about that life anymore she tells Jayma how being a bridesmaid wouldn’t be fair to Valencia. Jayma comes up with the perfect solution: Despite her hatred of Valencia, she’ll put both of them in the wedding! (Fingers crossed there’s some bad meat and a battle over a toilet coming up.)

At the bridal shop, Valencia makes an entrance in fluffy angel wings (straight from her “Hometown Hottie” submission shoot for Maxim, of course) and is her usual, awful self to Rebecca. Rebecca, however, still so not her usual self, promises to make Valencia look so good in front of the Chan women they’ll want to adopt her. Rebecca is charming, funny, and kisses so much Valencia-ass that she manages to loosen it a little and gets some genuinely kind words out of our favorite little shrew. Although it could be fun to see a friendship form between these two, I so don’t trust where this is going, and for good reason.

Cut to the next day. Jayma summons her bridesmaids to show off her wedding dress and to drink copious amounts of celebratory champagne. After she leaves new BFFs Valencia and Rebecca in charge of packing up the dress, the tipsy two debate the age-old question: Which are better, big boobs or small ones? Rebecca takes the opportunity to sing about the angst of having to deal with “Heavy Boobs” while impressively swinging her big — and very real — ones up and down and round and round. (Note to self: Ask sister-in-law if she’s hiding my missing stapler.)

After they gush over the size of each other’s boobs for awhile, Rebecca puts on Jayma’s dress to prove how horrible it is to have to squish those huge sacks of yellow fat into a pretty dress. Then, still in major ass-kissing mode, she convinces Valencia to see how the dress looks “with a little B-cup action in there.” Despite enjoying the very Friends-esque feel of this scene, I feel a disaster coming on.

NEXT: Greg realizes he’s pathetic

As expected (by Valencia), Valencia looks gorgeous in Jayma’s dress. Naturally, she asks Rebecca to take a picture of her on her phone. And naturally, back at the office, Paula is hacking into Valencia’s photo stream on the computer in an effort to thwart Rebecca 2.0. Short version? Paula posts the picture on Instagram; Jayma immediately finds out and goes berserk; and Valencia naturally blames Rebecca (1.0). The unexpected part? Rebecca (2.0) takes the credit for it, even when it means losing the adoration of the Chans.

Before we get to Rebecca and Paula’s confrontation, let’s catch up with Greg, who realizes he needs to create a 2.0 version for himself after he sees his life mirrored at the local convenience store. Clerk Marty (but whom IMDB lists as “Huge Fro Guy” which I like better and is what I’ll be calling him from here on out) is in love with clerk Allie, who ignores him because she’s obsessed with Brody (a.k.a., “Grocery Store Clerk With Half An Eyelid”) who’s apparently got mad abs and can cartwheel like a boss. Huge Fro Guy knows he doesn’t have a shot. Greg understands HFG’s pain. He knows what it’s like to be in love with one so in love with one so in love with himself. Read it again, it’ll make sense.

After Huge Fro Guy’s attempt to get the girl (by singing to her over the store’s PA system) fails, Greg confronts Allie and tells her to PICK THE NERD ALREADY. She tells him that if Huge Fro Guy would just back off a little and let her come to him she might be interested. It really is that simple, folks.

So Greg realizes he’s pathetic, basically, WHICH IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN TELLING HIM FOR MONTHS, and decides it’s time to back off and call it with Rebecca. Riight.

Back to Rebecca. While she played it cool with Josh’s family, she unleashes on Paula for her little hacking trick back at the office. But Paula points out that if it wasn’t for all her meddling, Rebecca wouldn’t have had all the romantic connections she’s had with Josh. Troubling, if you ask me, but Rebecca doesn’t seem fazed. She tries to convince Paula she’s done with Josh. But Paula can’t give up. It seems she thinks stalking Josh is the glue to their friendship, and if Rebecca cuts him loose she’ll get lost as a result. Where’s Dr. Akopian when you need her?

Rebecca’s had a DAY, and heads to Home Base for a drink where things instantly get fun and flirty with Greg. But remember, it’s now Greg 2.0, and when Rebecca suggests going back to her place, he tells her that he’s done being second place for her. Feelings hurt, Rebecca goes home to drink alone.

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No sooner has she settled into a glass of wine when Josh bursts in (seriously, does she never lock a door?). He’s furious at her for the whole Valencia-photogate disaster. Rebecca calmly points out that she’s responsible for securing Valencia a place in his family’s good graces and throws him out. Did you get that? REBECCA THROWS JOSH OUT. Rebecca 2.0 FTW.

After throwing Channie-Bear in the trash (SYMBOLISM!), she wastes no time getting to Home Base, where in another scene straight out of a Friends episode, she throws herself on Greg’s lips when he unlocks the door. (Insert me shaking my head here.) And justlikethat, the original versions of Rebecca and Greg reappear, sort of.

Greg: If this is going to happen there’s something you need to know. This isn’t going to be like a roll in the hay and then you go home. This is going to be like three days of you and me just ruining each other… and not emotionally. Is that what you want?

Rebecca: When do we start?

#TeamGreg members, take your lap. I’m happy for you. I’m even with you. But just not yet. Because as much as I was rooting for this to happen, I was rooting more for the new Rebecca to be more than just a non-Josh obsessed version of the old one and for her to have some time to herself. Time to heal. Time to become less impulsive, less selfish, less crazy if I dare to say it. It wasn’t a realistic wish, I realize now, but still one that I wanted to see play out. What’re your thoughts? Hit the comments below or find me on Twitter @urmyfavetoday.

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