Rebecca may lose her battles, but in the end she gets a sweet taste of victory
Relax, everyone, what we just witnessed in the final moments on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend was not, in fact, a season ending cliffhanger. Despite what it looked like (and I’ll refrain from spoiling it for those of you who didn’t get to watch… until the end of this recap, obviously) things will keep on rolling next week. The question is, will they keep on rolling forward? As much as I want to start at the end and stay there pondering WHAT IT ALL MEANS for the next 1,200 words or so, there are some things we need to get caught up on, not to mention some pretty amazing musical numbers we need to discuss. Grab some attitude and a red sash, folks, there are a few battles we need to march into.
Because 1) I really want to get to the good stuff and 2) I’m still not entirely sure what it all means, let’s not get bogged down by the specifics of the water case. Basically, Rebecca is going to make the case the biggest class action suit the county has ever seen, but to do that needs “Joshes from all over the valley.” (That’s “more plaintiffs” for those of you who speak lawyer.)
When the lawyers from the water company show up at Whitefeather & Associates, Rebecca confidently assumes they’re coming to settle. However, when she sees that they’ve sent a big time team from New York (“like Taylor Swift, Elon Musk, and Shonda Rimes combined”), which includes Audra Levine (Rachel Grate), her nemesis since elementary school and the woman who stole her life when she left NYC, she’s a bit rattled. But when Audra starts throwing shade, it’s time for a battle: a J.A.P. rap battle. In heels.
Audra: Keeping your pie-hole shut would be quite wise, though you kept it open wide for the AEPi guys.
Rebecca: I banged your hedge fund manager fiancée back in college over winter holidays — bathroom stall at the monster ball, and honestly I got to say really not hot at all — finished quick, rotten lay.
But raise Audra’s hand and let her take a lap, because in the end — especially after she shuts down Rebecca’s attempted rap truce — she’s the champ. Will she be as victorious in the courtroom? Hold onto that question for a minute or two, because we need to do some more catching up.
Remember Trent, Rebecca’s fake boyfriend we last saw lip-locked with her as she tried to pull another lie over on Valencia and Josh? As luck would have it, he’s been in love with Rebecca since freshman year at Harvard and is more than game to play along as her lover … forever.
But don’t let the chiseled jaw and turtleneck fool you, folks. Besides Harvard, Trent has clearly been a student at the Annie Wilkes School of Stalking and gotten a B.A. in blackmail. After finding him in her apartment (unlocked sliding door, doh!) Rebecca nicely tries to tell him to get out, but he calmly lets her know that if she “breaks up” with him, he’ll spill the beans to Josh. “One person’s blackmail is another person’s love story,” he tells her with a calm, yet creepy smile. With no real choice, Rebecca lets him stay. Besides, he’s a great cook and an even better listener, and after the foot massage and bath (don’t worry, she was wearing a swimsuit), he’s really not so bad (which is exactly what James Caan thought at the beginning, too).
At the courthouse in Los Angeles, Rebecca & Co. are waiting for all the plaintiffs to arrive. Just as it seems that Josh will be their only hope, the others arrive and begin singing the song of angry men. You know, the music of a people who will not be slaves again! With red flags flying, the mob marches toward the courthouse singing about the faulty faucets of truth, basements flooded with justice, and how the celebrities are taking all their hot water for party drugs and Oscars (no more water for B.J. Novak’s ecstasy lab, wah wah). It’s brilliant. Another musical theater fan geek-out moment. If they spoof on Wicked next week my head may explode.
It should be noted that during this entire case — and especially after the stirring and powerful battle anthem — Josh has been clearly growing more enamored with Rebecca. And I’m not just saying that because he brought her Skittles. The meaningful looks and the hand holding are getting real, y’all. Dare we imagine things could actually work out between these two? To be honest, I’m on the fence. I love them both individually but for some reason just can’t see them as an actual, adult couple. Do I say this because Josh acts like a child and Rebecca treats him like one? Doi.
NEXT: Teen and adult Rebecca have a dilemma
In court, things don’t go well for Rebecca. Despite the plaintiffs telling their sad stories (“We just thought, hey, we’re from Alhambra, maybe we don’t deserve a fancy Los Angeles shower”), Audra scores big when she discloses that Bert — the head of The Water Truthers and whose conspiracy Rebecca thinks is their ace in the hole — has been a schizophrenic for 16 years.
But then Trent — and his turtleneck — appears, as he does. He’s hacked into Greater City Water’s computers and found emails that expose the cover up and that, if she submits them as evidence, will lock the case for Rebecca. However, Paula points out that if the judge discovers they’re stolen, she’ll be in big trouble. Like a little lie has ever stopped Rebecca before. SHE LAUGHS IN THE FACE OF LIES. But then, in a moment of clarity disguised as a flashback where she remembers her little pre-teen self preaching about happiness to the already bitchy pre-teen Audra, Rebecca does the right thing. Throwing the emails down, she instead closes with a simple, heartfelt speech about the decent, hardworking people she’s representing.
And she loses. Of course she loses. But after addressing her people they give her a slow clap standing-O, a reprise of their anthem, and let her know that because of her they aren’t (Les) miserable at all. Off to the water park!
Before we can get to the ending shocker, it’s important to catch up with Greg. Still trying to convince himself he’s despises Rebecca, he’s gotten Heather a job at Home Base co-bartending with him. When she discovers Rebecca’s trial is being broadcast on local cable, she’s excited. Well, as excited as Heather can get. When she sees Rebecca in action she actually smiles and uses expression and more than one octave in her speech, but Greg wants no part of it. After reluctantly watching the events unfold, however, the look on his face says it all, and Heather sees it. It’s classic Hallmark movie face, and after singing a (wise) reprise of “Settle for Me,” she tells him to go get the girl.
Speaking of Hallmark movies, it’s time for an ending worthy of one.
Scene: Empty courtroom. Josh arrives bearing chocolate, and, seeing that Rebecca is a bit deflated after her loss, tells her she was brave. There’s a gentle face grab. Sexual tension. More kind, supportive words that I’ve stopped writing down so I can FOCUS ON MY SCREEN. Their faces grow closer and closer. And then there’s a kiss. No, there’s A KISS. A twisty, open-mouth-but-not-in-a-gross-way kiss. There’s neck grabbing involved.
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Enter Greg. Of course. Paula, also there spying creepily, gives him a half-assed, backward apology. “Those two were meant to be,” she tells him, which is really just another way of saying, “Sorry, SUCKER.” But are Josh and Rebecca meant to be? Or should she be with Greg now that he has realized that despite her multitude of imperfections (see how nicely I put that?) she’s his lobster? There’s no question that all three of them have some serious issues, but c’mon, who doesn’t? Sure, the games she’s playing are awful, but at the end of the day are all in the name of TRUE LOVE, and for that — and for her crazy big heart — I can’t help but be on her side.
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