Josh catches Rebecca in a lie, shattering all of her dreams

By Michelle Newman
February 09, 2016 at 01:52 AM EST
Scott Everett White/The CW
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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is, indubitably, a show about a girl’s crazy obsession over a boy. But as we’ve seen more and more since the beginning, it’s equally about a crazy friendship that’s the rock that manages to keep all the other craziness in balance. “That Text Was Not Meant for Josh” brilliantly covers all of it — the obsession, the friendship, the crazy, and even the rock.

Before we can jump into Rebecca’s latest disaster, however, we need to check in with Paula and her rarely seen and rarely spoken to or about husband, Scott. They’re in couples therapy (sort of — they’re getting counseling from Father Brah, Josh’s priest friend who counseled him about his feelings for Rebecca back in November, remember?) but TBH, Paula is reluctant to mess with the mediocrity of their marriage. Caught up? Good. Trust me, this will become an important piece of knowledge later. 

Over at Whitefeather & Associates, Rebecca is in a meeting, using a lot of lawyer-y language and reminding us that she’s super smart. However, when the other attorney begins arguing her case, Rebecca tunes out and texts the following to Paula, who is sitting at the other end of the table:

Just saw Josh, he looked so (fire emoji) that I almost (dead smiley emoji). I (heart emoji) so much and I think he (heart emoji) me now too. God, I can’t wait until we’re finally together and I can stop lying and tell him I love him and moved here for him.

I think you all know this can’t end well, don’t you? Spoiler alert: It doesn’t. The text goes to JOSH instead of Paula (insert a hundred Macaulay Culkin Home Alone face emojis here) and panic ensues, from everyone in the room, hilariously. (“What if we spinned it as a JOKE? HAHAHA, it’s OPPOSITE DAY!” the judge yelps.) But it’s okay! Rebecca suddenly remembers that Josh told her earlier — at the boba stand, of course — that he’d left his phone at home. And since she knows that he’ll be at Tai Kwan Do for another hour or so, she’ll just break into his house and fix it (as she does)! Unfortunately, her partner in crime can’t go with, she’s got a marriage to save with a tough steak dinner.

After successfully breaking and entering (more on the song that accompanies that at the end), Rebecca finds the phone, hacks through the security code (too easily), and deletes the text. All clear! But just as she’s opening the door to exit the apartment (after taking a sec to inhale Josh’s scent from a shirt of his she finds on the sofa, naturally) Josh is walking in. Yeah, things are about to reach epic levels of craziness.

There’s a lot of bumbling, question dodging, and stalling on Rebecca’s part (putting that law degree to work yet again), and somehow there’s a story created about an attempted break in at her house (rock through window — classic) and how Rebecca fled to Josh’s because she was freaked out (she tells him his apt. door was unlocked, which isn’t unusual because he apparently does it all the time). Surprisingly (or not), Josh buys it. He’s concerned! He even hugs her and tells her she looks like a “tiny, scared little bird.” Rebecca eats it up, until he mentions going back to her place with her to fix the window. Tiny, scared bird becomes deer in headlights.

Calling in a frantic SOS to Paula (who is in the middle of her very boring, save-our-marriage dinner with Scott), Rebecca hastily fills her in and instructs her to get to her house STAT and throw a rock through the window. And proving, yet again, that she’s the Shirley to Rebecca’s Laverne, Paula’s on it, no questions asked.

Someone else who’s not asking questions (because he’s not allowed)? Scott. After the poor guy finally breaks when Paula tells him she has to leave their dinner (he accuses her of having an affair), Paula invites him to join her on her escapade, no questions asked. Scott, surprisingly, proves to be all in, and not only finds the perfect rock to smash through the window when he pops in Rebecca’s house to use the bathroom (seems Josh isn’t the only one who forgets to lock the door) but hurls it through with such gusto that it shatters the sliding glass door—and all the walls Paula has recently put up. Everyone knows bad boys are sexy.  

NEXT: Shattered dreams

Walking in and finding shards of broken glass everywhere, Josh and Rebecca are shocked (for very different reasons). After calming down with a glass of wine and ordering fondue (might as well make this into a date, right?), Rebecca is rattled once again when a cop shows up to investigate, thanks to a report made by Josh. Bumbling her way through a lie and a very thorough and impressive CSI-like description of the scene, Rebecca successfully detracts the cop and sends him back to the streets. Crisis — again — diverted! Right? Wrong.

Because when they’re cleaning up the glass, Josh finds the rock and notices it’s part of a group of rocks Rebecca keeps on her coffee table. Realizing (slowly, because Josh) that Rebecca’s entire story makes no sense, Josh tells her he’s doesn’t want to hear anymore lies (loosely) and abruptly leaves her alone, sitting among the shards of her broken dreams (sorry, you guys, I had to go there).

We cut to a song, naturally, which is one of Rebecca’s greatest hits: “(You Ruined Everything) You Stupid Bitch.” You know, the one everyone knows and can sing along to. It’s sad. There’s no other way to describe it. (Well, except troubling, eye opening, and heartbreaking.) Rebecca is all kinds of messed up, and since we often only see the crazy, funny, passionate girl who gets in and out of zany situations, it’s easy to forget the depth of her insanity. Anyone else want to give her a hug?

Oh, Greg does. Because as we know, Greg can’t quit Rebecca. Although, after hugging her and agreeing to stay with her in her time of distress, he sees the table laid out with fondue and the glass of wine with ice (classic Chan) and knows that, once again, Josh is the cause of Rebecca’s distress. So he walks out. For the like 10th time. Don’t worry, I’m betting there’ll be an 11th. And 12th.

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Also there with a hug? Paula, of course. The next day Rebecca is still so upset and depressed she can’t even tell her bestie about it. But Paula doesn’t need her to. She builds Rebecca up by telling her how she helped save her marriage (“Who knew a little vandalism would be the most amazing foreplay we ever had?”). But most importantly, she tells her, convincingly, that everything with Josh and this mess is going to be okay, and if not, they’ll make it okay. Just like I said, solid as a rock.

Other bits of craziness:

  • When Rebecca is racing to Josh’s house, her journey is narrated by a hair-band singing about a “textmergency,” or a “textastrophy” — the better term is up for debate. Best lyrics: “I accidentally texted my mother-in-law a picture of my erection,” and “I once group texted my whole staff about my yeast infection.”
  • A spot-on cameo by the ghost of Steve Jobs, evil-chuckling about how he controls our lives from the grave.
  • Paula and Scott’s clever conversation, post near-affair confessions, where Paula fills Scott in on Rebecca’s love life (which she admits is what she’s really been cheating on him with) by speaking the lyrics to the catchy Crazy Ex-Girlfriend theme song.
  • Paula and Scott bonding and gossiping over Rebecca and debating if she should be with Greg or Josh, just like everyone who loves this show does every single week.
  • Songs from this episode:

    “Textmergency”

    “Where is the Rock?”

    “You Stupid Bitch”

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