Cougar Town recap: Human Bedbugs!
Welcome back to (It’s okay to watch a show called) Cougar Town! In “Little Girl Blues,” Travis’ new 23-year-old grad student girlfriend, Kirsten, came home with him for a weekend, seemingly out of the blue. What a great excuse for Jules to go insane! Sometimes it’s a stretch, you know? But this girl was 23, had a nice ass, and broke a vase by slipping on a phantom marble. A marble?! She must be executed at once. I loved how the entire gang kept referring to the new girl as “Kristen” even after learning, post-“Hi Kristen!” group welcome song, that this wasn’t even her name.
Jules assigned Laurie to the honorable role of Jules Cobb-stopper. (If this were Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Ellie would be the creepy, all-knowing mastermind, Mr. Slugworth.) Instead of tryin’ to prevent Jules from actin’ crazy — because what’s the use? — Laurie marched right up to the problem and told Kirsten to stick up for herself and be a woman. A routine shower hijack! After Kirsten refused to call Laurie a “sexy townie ho,” Laurie punched the nervous little bird in the face.
Having been driven from her own home by an evil intruder and her scones, Jules herded the crew across the Cul de Sac and set up gossip shop (which would eventually turn into “chatty chatty cry cry”) at Grayson’s. Ellie tried to warn him — once the human bedbugs are in, they never leave! But he was doomed. Smashing his own coffee cups didn’t work; that just gave everyone the always-welcome chance to drink out of bowls and play Japanese. G-Love eventually had to resort to releasing the neighborhood skunk in his own house, voluntarily inflicting on himself what had recently plagued the increasingly intolerable, still-not-a-gang-member Tom. It worked! Grayson is now free to watch Designing Women on his DVR.
Meanwhile, the men encouraged Travis to get over his RPA (repeat performance anxiety) with Kirsten by naming their own embarrassing sex hangups. We learned — thank God/Big Joe! — that Andy gets the pre-sex jitters so bad he has to do a “confidence dance,” and that Grayson, who used to seem so sexy, gets so terrified of living up to expectations that his butt gets really cold. Aw, Chilly Tush needs a hot water bottle. The fruit of their sharing session was an important life lesson from father to son: “Being a man means constantly disappointing a woman,” Bobby leveled with Travis. The sooner he can learn that, the better.
I have to say, I was bellowing with laughter at all of the episode’s one-liners and gestural gems by the time Jules screamed up the staircase at her underage son to “GET DOWN HERE AND HAVE A GLASS OF WINE!” But as my mom always warned, specifically when my sister and I would giggle at anyone who deigned to sing during church: “Girls…laughing turns to crying…!”
….And then the unthinkable happened. Something so tragic you don’t even like to acknowledge the possibility, even though it’s constantly in your face because you’re a borderline alcoholic. Big Joe, Jules’ treasured 52 oz. wine goblet, passed away. Way to go, kRIsten! Luckily, Ellie was there to mop up my tears. “Your Uncle Joe is dead,” she informed Travis. “But you’re allowed to start drinking.” It was a glass-half-full situation, especially since the only glasses around anymore were of normal scale. Sniff! R.I.P., Big Joe (2007-2010).
And welcome to the family, Big Carl! He’s a rectangular big fella, isn’t he? So full of promise, so multi-faceted. Clearly a gem.
If you’re headed in a sexy direction,
You better use contraception
‘Cause babies destroy your dreams
NEXT: The episode’s 10 best quotes/moments!
My Top 10 quotes and moments of the episode:
10. Ellie producing thunder and lightning: “How cool is that, with the sheet?”
9. “Well, we could run away together…” –Jules to Travis after he asked how he could fix his relationship with Kirsten. This might rank even higher on the Creep-o-Meter than…
8. “How amazing? Like [cue subtle ‘tap that ass’ dance] chicka-bow-bow?” –Andy, asking the teenager how the 23-year-old was in bed
7. “Poppy, the transsexual at the makeup counter I frequent, would beg to differ.” –Laurie to Ellie, who said Laurie looked like she poured her makeup on the floor and rolled around in it. (Honorable mention: Andy’s use of ‘skosh’!)
6. “Trav, I’m bad at sex. There’s a lot of thrashin’ and thumpin’ but nothing really gets done. I’m like a broken dishwasher.” –Bobby, who has a seat belt on his hammock
5. The “I’m not sure” / “How are you not sure?!” glances between Laurie and Jules after Laurie insisted her foster brother moved back to Romania when they were 10, before they “did anything major”
4. “You lie to the world every day with your cheap dye job. Who are you, Ponyboy from The Outsiders?” –Jules to Laurie during the worst of her throes of bitchery
3. “I’ve had it WHILE brushing my teeth.” –Jules to Kirsten, who’s never had wine right after brushing her teeth. (That’s one for Jules!)
2. Ellie’s eulogy for Big Joe: “He was holding 8,000 pennies in an antique store. I walked right by. But Jules saw potential.”
1. “Imaginary hat [tip]” –Ellie / “Imaginary clown nose [honk honk]” –Grayson, in the same vein as Laurie’s imaginary opera gloves from the season 2 premiere. (“Why does nobody get this?!”)
Before your soul is ripped from your body, will you teach people how to make scones? Discuss this week’s Cougar Town below!
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