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January 27, 2019 at 10:43 PM EST
Monty Brinton /CBS
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It may not have had the belting of Rent Live or the glittering dresses of the SAG Awards or the sweaty shirtlessness of the Royal Rumble, but tonight’s Celebrity Big Brother somehow delivered a random combination of all three’s best elements. There was theatricality, celebrity ego, and verbal warfare in spades tonight, so let’s dig into all the drama at hand.

With Jonathan out of the house, Ryan is one unhappy swimmer bro. Having now lost his “ride or die,” he promises to go after the Tamar/Lolo/Natalie alliance responsible for the blindside. Meanwhile, Dina (the lone vote to keep Jonathan) continues to misunderstand how the show works, crowing in the diary room about how BB isn’t a game where lying is acceptable. Girl, have you ever watched this show? Ricky, Natalie, and Lolo are trying to figure out who the lone vote to evict Kandi was and while Lolo is correctly certain its Dina, Ricky asks an entering Tamar if she stuck with the plan. Clearly annoyed by being doubted, Tamar insists she voted to evict Jonathan and explains why she believes it was Dina in a wheeze-worthy diary room moment. “Jonathan was in Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan was in Mean Girls, that was like, uh, 2000 years ago, they’ve been friends forever,” she says. “Of course she’s gonna keep him in the house.”

With the majority of the house voting out Jonathan and Dina being Dina, Ryan sees Joey becoming HoH as his only hope of staying in the house. While Ryan frets and whines, Tamar continues to be incredulous at everyone not picking up on who the vote for Kandi obviously was, proving to be BB gold by dropping more Dina shade to Lolo and Natalie in the storage room: “She’s 52 years old; that girl don’t know nothing.” The glam rock-themed HoH competition, “Rock ’til You Drop,” sees the houseguests balancing on platforms complete with “rock on!” hand signal-shaped beams to hang on to. The last person standing at the end of the competition is the new Head of Household. Besides producers surprisingly being able to afford some classic ’80s rock song cues, there’s not much to bang your head to versus past endurance competitions. When the final two pans out to be Natalie and Kato he immediately promises her safety and she, not feeling any reason to distrust him given his and Tom’s recent votes, goes along and falls. This makes Kato the new HoH and Tom couldn’t be happier, seeing him as his saving grace in the house post-veto and final 2 deal.

Ryan, who is “90% sure” he’s on the block since he’s a big strapping athlete and all, meets with Kato and makes his pitch to stay in the game based on the Natalie/Lolo/Tamar alliance and his promise to be a competition beast to pick them off. Kato is intrigued but says in the diary room that Ryan is the real threat and, if now’s the opportunity to get him out, he might just take it. Natalie explains to Tamar why she fell last in the competition, saying that it’s smarter for their alliance for her to be able to compete in the next HoH when they have a likely ally in Kato sitting on the throne. Tamar, believing she may be nominated, isn’t so sure and brings up that Kato made the same safety promise to Joey. Natalie tries to placate her, but Tamar tells the diary room she feels “sold up the river” by her alliance-mate.

In addition to his new HoH title, Kato has a big ole case of constipation to go with it and is looking for any way to, um, feel free. Enter unofficial house healer Ricky, who performs compression techniques on Kato’s abdomen to help promote, er, colon rejuvenation. Ricky tells the diary room his usefulness is partly strategy, to make himself helpful to others in the house partly in the hopes of sticking around. Speaking of sticking around, Kato’s constipation doesn’t last for long as nature calls mid-diary room session, proving Ricky’s efforts successful. Why watch Rent Live when you can spend 5 minutes talking about Kato Kaelin’s colorectal health. With that crap taken care of, Kato’s now preoccupied with the mess Tamar leaves around the house. Clearly annoyed with her bad cleaning habits, he asks Ricky and Tom whether it may be time to put her up on the block given the “drama” she seems to bring with her. Uncertain of whether putting Ryan up is a good idea, he brings up Dina and her attitude during the HoH competition.

At almost 4 a.m., Dina meets with Lolo and shares her scattered feelings of being sold out by Kato, who promised that they had the votes to keep Jonathan during the last eviction. This further displays Dina’s poor grasp of the game, as her insistence on trust and honesty falls counter to everything Big Brother is all about. After this, Lolo and Natalie head into the bedroom with Tamar still awake hoping to talk some strategy while everybody’s sleeping. The girls, however, are tired and not feeling the idea, which makes Tamar distrustful of them once again. As…later in the morning approaches, Lolo finally tells Tamar the details of her talk with Dina. Tamar is insistent Dina’s not being truthful, while Lolo plays a more neutral approach. As Tamar’s frustration grows, things once again get heated between her and Lolo. The situation quickly devolves into a shouting match as Lolo storms off in frustration, unable to have a peaceful talk with her alliance-mate. As we get a greatest hits montage of their past tiffs, Lolo tells the diary room that she’s starting to feel like Tamar’s punching bag. Lolo then talks to Ricky and Natalie about what happened when Tamar walks back in and the arguing continues, with all the “bitch”es and “pop off”s that come with it.

After the arguing calms down, Tom strolls into the bedroom to check on Tamar, who’s packing her stuff and ready to leave. She tells him she’s not a quitter but that she didn’t come to the house to fight. Sometime later, Lolo walks in as Tamar is continuing to pack and apologizes for her frustration and anger in the conflict and insists she wants Tamar to stick around. “I don’t want you to leave, I want to be your friend but I definitely approached that wrong,” she acknowledges as the two hug it out and Tamar vows to stay in the game. With all that out of the way, it’s time for Kato to make his nominations. As something of the house middleman, he’s been pulled in many different directions in terms of campaigning. Ultimately, his nominations split the difference as he nominates Dina and Tamar for eviction. However, the middleman efforts fail as both nominees are far from pleased with Kato’s explanations, especially Tamar, who takes offense with his bringing up her comments about missing her family and especially about her kitchen cleanliness. “I’m not the maid,” she interjects as Kato continues his speech. In the diary room, Tamar further vents about Kato’s nomination logic and gives us even more TV gold. “You don’t clean up around here, like that’s my job? Have you read my resume? It’s longer than yours, boo!” No lies spotted dot com, ladies and gentlemen.

Tomorrow’s episode brings us the veto competition and, if Kato’s words to close the episode are any indication, Ryan may not be sitting pretty on the safe side for long.

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