Lord knows I hate to complain when it comes to Celebrity Apprentice. SO I WON’T! You see, I was feeling a little blue over the fact that we had a completely Ivanka-free evening of fights and firings during this latest double-shot extravaganza of episodes. If you ask me—and Lord knows I wish people would stop me on the street and start asking me about Celebrity Apprentice, seeing as how there is nothing in this world I like discussing more—the show just isn’t the same without the Boardroom Dominatrix there to penetrate contestants’ hearts, hopes, and dreams with her icy death stare.
But therein lies the genius of the show, because there is always a silver lining. And in this case, that silver lining’s name is Eric Trump. I first remember when Eric burst onto the scene. I remember because I was like, “Who the hell is that guy?” I had to find out because never before in my life had I seen one man use so much hair gel. It’s as if he had decided to take the ultimate safety precaution and encase his head in a 100 percent concussion-proof protective outer shell. Talk about tortoise and the hair!
But there was something else that intrigued me about Eric Trump, or ET, as I like to call him…you know, like the alien. It is the way that any time the man is standing, he insists on touching the tips of his fingers against each other like some sort of maniacal evil overlord plotting his next nefarious act. Seriously, who does he think he is, Montgomery Burns? (“Exxxxxxxxxxcellent.”) For visual evidence, let’s take a look at the outset of Monday’s first task.
There! See what I mean? You keep half-expecting his next words to be “Release the hounds.” But to prove my point that he always does this, let’s now take a look at Eric Trump at the outset of Monday’s second task.
There you have it: same exact pose! It’s as if his evil can only be unleashed when his fingers lock, not unlike the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper combining forces to unlock Gozer in the form of a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But I have to say: I absolutely love it. Embrace your inner corporate evil! That’s exactly what I want from this show. The other thing that is positively perfect about Eric Trump is that he is by far the most skilled of all the Trump children of blindly complimenting his father’s decision-making. Make no mistake, Ivanka and Don Jr. are no slouches in this department, but Eric is truly doing some next level stuff. Let’s take a look at his latest pièce de résistance.
Okay, let’s move on and celebrate the four most awesome and absurd things from this week’s Celebrity Apprentice.
1. Buns & Roses (Not So Much With The Roses)
Has there ever been a television show as ass-obsessed as Celebrity Apprentice?
We’ve had multiple accusations and denials as to whether Kenya Moore has butt implants—which included Terrell Owens being deputized as an F.B.I. (Female Butt Inspector) agent to get a “real feel” for the goods in question. But that was merely the appetizer for tonight’s main course… which I suppose is appropriate seeing as how Kenya Moore made an advertisement implying that little children wanted to basically eat Vivica Fox’s backside. But we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves.
The first task was to create a photobomb campaign for Kings Hawaiian baked goods. As Project Manager, Kenya’s initial idea was to superimpose Kings Hawaiian buns on a hot model’s buns with the line “I like big buns.” This is when Geraldo Rivera—fresh off his encounter last week with the Hooters waitresses—chimed in. “Why not your buns? You’ve got a perfect body for this. Your butt is bigger than Vivica’s. That’s the only reason I haven’t suggested it.” Evidently, Geraldo must have crossed some sort of ass-denigrating line because Miss Fox definitely took offense: “I was in a hit movie called Booty Call. My assets have grossed over a billion dollars in the box office. But right now your lopsided booty is on trend, so let’s let you have this moment.” (Note to self: Go out and rent Booty Call immediately.)
The next few scenes alternated between Kenya telling Vivica she was too fat to be in one shot (“Well, I wanted her to be like, really, really thin. You know what I mean.”) and Geraldo—in the role he was born to play—creepily focusing his camera on as many female derrieres as possible. “My principal idea was to feature Kenya with her world-class butt,” he informed us. “I wanted it to be an iconic picture.”
But the whole crazy thing about Kenya wanting to take a bunch of pictures of women’s booties (while possibly superimposing bread on them) is that it wasn’t even her worst idea! Not by a long shot. Her worst idea would have to be the one that featured a kid in a stroller looking like some sort of deranged ass-addict frothing at the mouth as he lunged for Vivica’s rear end. Literally, a kid in a stroller trying to grab Vivica Fox’s ass: That was their ad. Oh, I almost forgot the hashtag: #BabiesLuvBuns.
In what universe would the fine folks at Kings Hawaiian find this even remotely appropriate? I mean, even Geraldo Rivera found it “off message” and that dude openly devoured multiple Hooters waitresses with his eyes only a week ago. However the last thing I want to do is imply that Geraldo Rivera is a not an ass man. Far from it! As he later told Donald Trump in the Boardroom of Kenya: “Her butt was the star of the show.” Of course, this enraged Vivica and led to the third most ridiculous argument of the evening (behind menopause and La Cucaracha) as Vivica and Geraldo actually debated whether he was giving enough attention to her butt cheeks. “Did you just say I didn’t like your butt as much as Kenya’s butt?” inquired the equal opportunity ass-appreciator. It was truly a spectacle to behold. And things were only about to get weirder.
NEXT: The tweet that shall not be named