Credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
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Lord knows I hate to complain when it comes to Celebrity Apprentice. SO I WON’T! You see, I was feeling a little blue over the fact that we had a completely Ivanka-free evening of fights and firings during this latest double-shot extravaganza of episodes. If you ask me—and Lord knows I wish people would stop me on the street and start asking me about Celebrity Apprentice, seeing as how there is nothing in this world I like discussing more—the show just isn’t the same without the Boardroom Dominatrix there to penetrate contestants’ hearts, hopes, and dreams with her icy death stare.

But therein lies the genius of the show, because there is always a silver lining. And in this case, that silver lining’s name is Eric Trump. I first remember when Eric burst onto the scene. I remember because I was like, “Who the hell is that guy?” I had to find out because never before in my life had I seen one man use so much hair gel. It’s as if he had decided to take the ultimate safety precaution and encase his head in a 100 percent concussion-proof protective outer shell. Talk about tortoise and the hair!

But there was something else that intrigued me about Eric Trump, or ET, as I like to call him…you know, like the alien. It is the way that any time the man is standing, he insists on touching the tips of his fingers against each other like some sort of maniacal evil overlord plotting his next nefarious act. Seriously, who does he think he is, Montgomery Burns? (“Exxxxxxxxxxcellent.”) For visual evidence, let’s take a look at the outset of Monday’s first task.

There! See what I mean? You keep half-expecting his next words to be “Release the hounds.” But to prove my point that he always does this, let’s now take a look at Eric Trump at the outset of Monday’s second task.

There you have it: same exact pose! It’s as if his evil can only be unleashed when his fingers lock, not unlike the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper combining forces to unlock Gozer in the form of a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But I have to say: I absolutely love it. Embrace your inner corporate evil! That’s exactly what I want from this show. The other thing that is positively perfect about Eric Trump is that he is by far the most skilled of all the Trump children of blindly complimenting his father’s decision-making. Make no mistake, Ivanka and Don Jr. are no slouches in this department, but Eric is truly doing some next level stuff. Let’s take a look at his latest pièce de résistance.

Okay, let’s move on and celebrate the four most awesome and absurd things from this week’s Celebrity Apprentice.

1. Buns & Roses (Not So Much With The Roses)

Has there ever been a television show as ass-obsessed as Celebrity Apprentice?

We’ve had multiple accusations and denials as to whether Kenya Moore has butt implants—which included Terrell Owens being deputized as an F.B.I. (Female Butt Inspector) agent to get a “real feel” for the goods in question. But that was merely the appetizer for tonight’s main course… which I suppose is appropriate seeing as how Kenya Moore made an advertisement implying that little children wanted to basically eat Vivica Fox’s backside. But we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves.

The first task was to create a photobomb campaign for Kings Hawaiian baked goods. As Project Manager, Kenya’s initial idea was to superimpose Kings Hawaiian buns on a hot model’s buns with the line “I like big buns.” This is when Geraldo Rivera—fresh off his encounter last week with the Hooters waitresses—chimed in. “Why not your buns? You’ve got a perfect body for this. Your butt is bigger than Vivica’s. That’s the only reason I haven’t suggested it.” Evidently, Geraldo must have crossed some sort of ass-denigrating line because Miss Fox definitely took offense: “I was in a hit movie called Booty Call. My assets have grossed over a billion dollars in the box office. But right now your lopsided booty is on trend, so let’s let you have this moment.” (Note to self: Go out and rent Booty Call immediately.)

The next few scenes alternated between Kenya telling Vivica she was too fat to be in one shot (“Well, I wanted her to be like, really, really thin. You know what I mean.”) and Geraldo—in the role he was born to play—creepily focusing his camera on as many female derrieres as possible. “My principal idea was to feature Kenya with her world-class butt,” he informed us. “I wanted it to be an iconic picture.”

But the whole crazy thing about Kenya wanting to take a bunch of pictures of women’s booties (while possibly superimposing bread on them) is that it wasn’t even her worst idea! Not by a long shot. Her worst idea would have to be the one that featured a kid in a stroller looking like some sort of deranged ass-addict frothing at the mouth as he lunged for Vivica’s rear end. Literally, a kid in a stroller trying to grab Vivica Fox’s ass: That was their ad. Oh, I almost forgot the hashtag: #BabiesLuvBuns.

In what universe would the fine folks at Kings Hawaiian find this even remotely appropriate? I mean, even Geraldo Rivera found it “off message” and that dude openly devoured multiple Hooters waitresses with his eyes only a week ago. However the last thing I want to do is imply that Geraldo Rivera is a not an ass man. Far from it! As he later told Donald Trump in the Boardroom of Kenya: “Her butt was the star of the show.” Of course, this enraged Vivica and led to the third most ridiculous argument of the evening (behind menopause and La Cucaracha) as Vivica and Geraldo actually debated whether he was giving enough attention to her butt cheeks. “Did you just say I didn’t like your butt as much as Kenya’s butt?” inquired the equal opportunity ass-appreciator. It was truly a spectacle to behold. And things were only about to get weirder.

NEXT: The tweet that shall not be named

2. Manopause For The Cause

So if you are in the Boardroom, how do you artfully segue out of a conversation about women’s asses? BY TALKING ABOUT MENOPAUSE! I’m actually going to attempt to be as concise as possible here. I mean, I could give you the entire back and forth but we’d be here all day. The whole brouhaha began when Kenya said that Vivica had been experiencing hot flashes “and I saw a tweet from her the other day that she said she was going through menopause.” Okay, first of all: Best. Tweet. Ever. That is, if she actually tweeted that out herself. After Vivica alternated between denying she had ever tweeted such a thing out and addressing Kenya as a “dirty ass bitch” and a “toxic trick,” we got an extended debate as to which woman was more “ghetto.” Of course, Kenya has a history of feuds on the show now, which led to this wonderful exchange:

TRUMP: “Why are you so nasty to everyone?”

KENYA: “I’m not nasty to everyone. I have not been nasty to her. That’s not true, Mr. Trump.”

DON JR.: “You just said she was menopausal on national television!”

Dude, that is a total mic drop moment. But Don. Jr. wasn’t done because then he had to read out the alleged tweet in question: “This menopause is killing me. I can’t think straight. I’m acting a damn fool half the time. 50 just isn’t sexy.” Question: Just how uncomfortable do you think Don Jr. was reading that tweet? And was he more or less comfortable than Geraldo and Don Sr. listening to it? (Interestingly enough, I have a hunch that Eric… kinda liked it!)

So then Vivica accused Kenya of stealing her phone, Kenya denied it, Geraldo ducked for cover, Trump announced that “we’ve really reached a new low”—which, shockingly, I do not believe to be true—and the Real Housewife was eventually fired. Kenya extended an olive branch in the boardroom by wishing Vivica “all the luck in the world,” but Vivica instead grabbed said olive branch, shoved it up Kenya’s butt and invited any stroller-bound child within a 50-mile radius of Trump Tower to come and stare and grope at it for as long as they like. Hey, #BabiesLuvBuns—am I right?

Here, you can see for yourself:

Of course, the big question in all of this is whether Kenya stole the phone. I want to be clear about something: I have no proof whatsoever that she did, but do I think she did? Absolutely. I certainly can’t imagine Vivica tweeting that out. And I know Amanda the phony baloney receptionist didn’t, because she is not allowed to have any electronic devices whatsoever at her station. Adrian the elevator operator? Well, now that’s a different story altogether. Who knows what that cat is up to in there? And why do you think he wears those fancy white gloves anyway? I’ll tell you why: NO FINGERPRINTS! He leaves not a trace of evidence at the scene of the crime. He’s just that good, people. But seriously, it had to be Kenya, right? Although why she didn’t tweet out a link to her “Gone With The Wind Fabulous” video instead is beyond me.

3. 9021Ohhhhh Boy

If you thought this would be our only feud of the evening… then you clearly have never watched an episode of Celebrity Apprentice before. Things between Ian and Brandi got a bit frosty during the Kings Hawaiian task when Ian kept talking about how “you’ll lava it,” leading Brandi to proclaim that “Ian is full of terrible slogans. As far as coming up with concepts, he’s stuck in the ‘80s.” Hey! As someone who is permanently stuck in the ‘80s on all matters, I take offense to that. And so do my friends Bucker & Garcia.

But this was nothing compared to what happened on the second project. Tasked with creating a jingle for the “Bud Light Lime-a-Rita family of malt liquor products”—and that may be my favorite thing I have ever typed—team Infinity butted heads over what song they should go with. On one hand, they had World Series champion Johnny Damon trying to cram as many words into as few seconds as possible. And on the other hand, they had Ian Ziering plagiarizing freakin’ “La Cucaracha.”

Upset that his song was not greeted like the second coming of “The Mexican Hat Dance,” Ian started pouting, especially because “radio voice-overs, jingles, are part of my wheelhouse.” (Sidenote: Saddest wheelhouse ever?) It was around this time when Brandi accused Ian of “Pouting like a little bitch.” And then we were treated to what I would have to designate—with apologies to all things ass-and-cellphone-related—as the exchange of the evening, now presented for your consideration.

IAN: “Lead, follow, or get out of the way, Brandi.”

BRANDI: “Are you f—ing kidding me? Stop being so f—ing condescending, Ian. Honestly. You are so disrespectful. Shut up.”

IAN: “You’ve contributed nothing. You’re good with a pen. You’re good with a pen. You’re good at crossing out things. What have you brought to the party? Zero. Delegate!”

BRANDI: “I am. I would like you to sit there and shut the f— up.”

IAN: “That’s valid.”

I am not sure which I enjoyed more: that back and forth or the awkward looks on the musicians’ faces that followed.

NEXT: Donald Trump has a fire sale

But wait! Not unlike a Ginsu knives infomercial, there’s more! Now, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to watch the video below. If it doesn’t work on your browser or mobile device for some reason, I need you to go open up another browser or find a laptop tout de suite, because I do not believe I am exaggerating when I say that your entire life really depends on viewing the six seconds of visual information contained below. Okay, let’s all watch together.

Okay, I’m sorry, did he just say “thinking outside the butt?!?” Because I’m pretty sure he just said “thinking outside the butt.” It’s not the type of thing you hear every day. I mean, I’ve heard of people thinking outside of the box. And I’ve heard of people talking out of their butt. But thinking outside the butt? I thought the whole point of this season was people obsessing about the butt, meaning Kenya’s. But now you’re telling me that you’re all thinking outside the butt? I’VE NEVER BEEN SO CONFUSED! AND I LIVED THROUGH THE ULTIMATE CONFUSION OF CLINT BLACK USING DETERGENT TO MASTURBATE! (Sure, maybe Ian said “Bud” and not butt, but my story is he said butt and I’m sticking with it.)

Ian was Mr. Pouty Pouts because Brandi didn’t pick his song even though it was not his song because it was “La Cucaracha.” Even Trump told Ian his song was absurd. “You can’t use that!” he exclaimed. “It’s not a copy,” insisted Ian, to which Trump replied, “Well, the tune is certainly a copy because I’ve been hearing it my whole life.” Trump then basically fired Ian for being a copycat. But he wasn’t done.

4. Trump Fires Everyone

Brandi had to be feeing pretty psyched when her nemesis was cut loose. She stood up to leave, only to be informed by Trump to “Sit down. I’m going to fire somebody else.” It was pretty clear whom that somebody was going to be as The Donald gave Brandi every opportunity to place the blame for their loss on Johnny and his subpar jingle. But she refused to do so. As far as Trump was concerned, that was not the right answer. I know this because Johnny Damon is waaaay too boring for Trump to put though to the finals. I also know it because Trump kept saying, “You’re not giving me the right answer! You’re not giving me the right answer!” So, you know, that was a bit of a tip-off.

Sure enough, Trump fired Johnny. And that brings us to our final four as we have… wait, WHAT!?!? Then Trump went ahead and fired Brandi as well! So, basically, Donald Trump just fired the entire team. The entire team that had just won five straight tasks. Because of course he did. What I wish more than any wish in the entire world is that Trump then just would have gone nuts and fired everybody. “Geraldo! Get back in here. You’re fired! Eric? You’re my son and I love you, but still… FIRED! Quick, someone get me Gary Busey on the line so I can fire him again. Yeah, hello? Gary? Is that you? Yeah, I’ve been thinking a little more about that bizarre Omaha Steaks Father’s Day kite thing of yours. That was terrible. I know it was four years ago, but you’re fired—again!”

Poor Brandi and Johnny didn’t even get their own town cars to awkwardly drive around the block before coming straight back to the hotel so they could go to sleep. They had to share. Ian, on the other hand, was totally living large in his car, no doubt regaling his driver with tales of “La Cucaracha 2: This Time It’s Personal… And Much Worse Than The Original.” (By the way, that title is also applicable when it comes to the Sharknado franchise.

Well, it looks like Leeza Gibbons has this season all sewn up. Honestly, if anyone else wins it will be a total mockery. Which is why as much as I like Leeza, I can’t help but kind of want someone else to end up victorious just to revel in the insanity that is Celebrity Apprentice. But we can save that for another week. It’s now your turn to point out your favorite moment from this weekly circus, and for more super highbrow Celebrity Apprentice coverage you can follow me on Twitter: @DaltonRoss. I tweet a lot about menopause. You’ll love it! Okay, until next time: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

Episode Recaps

The Celebrity Apprentice
Donald Trump, “you’re fired” — you know the drill.
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