The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Bret Michaels Refuses to Stop Talking About Plumber's Crack
The rocker gets ''hot and sticky'' on some radio spots, but corporate executives might be offended
Reality television has introduced us to a lot of magnetic, electric personalities, people whose charisma leaped off the screen and turned them into national sensations. Richard Hatch ofSurvivor was the first, of course, to be followed by Big Brother‘s Dr. Will, Bachelor Bob, The Apprentice‘s Omarosa, Charla from The Amazing Race, Project Runway‘s Christian Siriano, and I would even make a special case for crazy, bug-eyed Toni from Love Cruise/Paradise Hotel. These are people you simply couldn’t take your eyes off of. They demanded your attention. They commanded your interest. They were just that riveting. And then there are Jim Abrams and John Young from Clockwork Home Services, or, as I like to call them, Fuddy and Duddy.
Granted, the stuffed shirt corporate execs that usually populate Celebrity Apprentice are not exactly P.T. Barnum, but have you ever seen two men with less of a personality or a sense of humor in your entire life? I mean, hell, they even managed to make that robot Summer Sanders look like a breath of fresh air! I pity poor Clockwork Home Services. They paid all that money to get themselves all over two hours of a network television show (NBC is still considered a network, right?), and then the guys who run it are portrayed as completely joyless. It’s actually somewhat shocking that Summer lost this task and was fired because if anyone was capable of living up to the no-fun pledge of a company with as undynamic a title as One Hour Heating and Air Conditioning, it was her. Of course, that turned out to be exactly the problem. Summer would make afantastic Clockwork Home Services executive. She could attend corporate functions and they could all sit around their conference table figuring out exciting new ways to suck the fun out of every morsel of life. But asking Summer to be creative is like asking Trump to be modest: ain’t gonna happen. Bret, on the other hand…
This could have been a disaster: Glam metal/debauchery TV star Bret Michaels creating three radio spots for two old dudes who have made it very clear that they want no humor nor anything even remotely risqué in their ads. And it certainly seemed headed that way as Bret’s original inspiration for the plumbing spot seemed to consist of him and Sharon Osbounre making various pooping noises. But amazingly, Bret was eventually able to find the middle ground: sexing up his One Hour Heating and Air Conditioning ad with a ’70s porn soundtrack and talk of being ”hot and sticky,” while also creating a 1930’s swing sound spot for Mister Sparky (which only sounds like the name of someone’s pet vibrator). Of course, Bret had to earn his bad boy stripes, insisting on inserting a crack on plumber’s crack into his Benjamin Franklin spot, even after Fuddy and Duddy has expressly warned him not to do so. It had no reason being in there and added nothing to the ad, but sometimes the rocker just needs to rock the boat, baby! He even took time out to mock Fuddy and Duddy’s seriousness on the matter, sarcastically proclaiming. ”Listen, I’ve possessed some plumber’s crack a few times in my life and I know how hurtful it is when people make fun of me, so I try to never make fun of plumber’s crack. It’s a serious matter.” Say, you feel a little water splashing in? That’s because this boat has just officially been ROCKED!
NEXT PAGE: A new drinking game!
Okay, here are the 10 other things that rocked me about the latest edition of Celebrity Apprentice:
10. Apparently, Cyndi Lauper gets all of her history lessons from watching beer commercials and HBO miniseries. While Cyndi was on to something in suggesting that Ben Franklin would make a lot more sense as a mascot for an electrician (see ya, Mister Sparky!) than a plumber, she latched on to the reasoning that in HBO’s John Adams miniseries Franklin was seen in Paris enjoying a bath with a woman. Not bad, Cyndi. Certainly more intellectually stimulating that wasting time watching some brainless drivel like, oh, I don’t know, Celebrity Apprentice! Of course, what Franklin was really famous for was taking daily ”air baths” which consisted of him sitting around in his room for an hour naked. I guess that means what he actually should be a mascot for is some sort of creepy founding father edition of Playgirl, so maybe we should all be happy they decided to just stick with plumber in this case.
9. If I am Rodney Peete, winner of the Johnny Unitas Award as the nation’s best senior college quarterback while at USC, and a 16-year NFL QB, I’m probably not too psyched that my wife just informed the entire country that I clog up the toilet with my epic-sized fecal matter on a regular basis. Why would she do that? Do they have some sort of rule in place where if Holly brings into their foundation a check of over $300,000 that she is thereby entitled to go around bragging all about her husband’s ginormous poops? Keep your money, woman! Leave my crap alone!
8. Welcome, Eric Trump! (Was Don Jr. suspended for a week after professing a desire to see Bret’s ”tour bus thrust”?) First off, let me say that I had no idea your father had sired a giant. But what struck me most was not your freakish height, but rather the way you continually kept bringing your hands in front of you and tapping the fingers together like a maniacal Ernst Stavro Blofeld. It often takes Trump henchmenyears to perfect that move, so kudos to you for picking it up on your very first day. Cold-blooded oversight courses through your veins, sir. You wear your last name well.
7. I can’t even properly describe what sort of sounds Cyndi was making in the van to warm up her throat, but they clearly were not human. I can’t help but wonder if the fluffy white cat that usually resides in Eric Trump’s lap had somehow escaped and was being sat on by an oblivious Miss Lauper.
6. The big problem with all six live radio ads is that all of them ended up going too well. Celebrity Apprentice is only truly firing on all cylinders of awesomeness when there is some pure ineptitude going on, and that was sorely lacking here. Team Tenacity’s spots were super professional and super boring, while Rock Solid’s were mildly entertaining but also ran way too smoothly for my taste. No freaking out. No last second drama (except maybe’s Cyndi’s voice). And no problems whatsoever during the actual performances.
5. New Celebrity Apprentice drinking game (but in no way, shape, or form meant to replace the originalCelebrity Apprentice drinking game of drinking non-stop while you watch Celebrity Apprentice): Shotgun an entire can of Milwaukee’s Best every time Trump says in the Boardroom, ”I thought both teams did a great job.”
4. How nice to see Bret, still fighting an uphill battle in real life, win $40,000 for the American Diabetes Association. Could Bret actually make it to the end? He’s 2-0 as a Project Manager, one of the most famous people left, and obviously makes for good TV. That all bodes well for him making it to the finals. And wouldn’t that make things even more dramatic if he is medically cleared to attend the May 23 live finale?
NEXT PAGE: Summer lovin’?
3. There’s nothing better than irrational hate, when you can’t stand someone even though they really don’t do anything wrong or give you any decent reason to dislike them. Sharon and Maria took Curtis to town in the Boardroom: Sharon said she hated the pretty boy chef for being ”smug,” and Maria couldn’t exactly pinpoint what annoyed her so much about him but explained that ”I look at him and I’m like, I want to punch you for some reason.” The reason, most likely, is that while Curtis does seem for the most part like an absolutely fine fellow, he also gives off the vibe of being a smidgeon too into himself. (Remember back when Selita made fun of him for constantly wearing his chef’s apron?) Of course, Trump likes Curtis, because Curtis is perhaps the only man he knows that spends as much time perfecting his hair as The Donald does.
2. I have a secret shame to report, but I feel it is my duty and I am really hopeful that we can keep this just between the two of us. And that secret shame is this: I think Ivanka Trump is kind of hot. I KNOW! I KNOW! It just seems so wrong on so many levels. I picture myself looking at her and then The Donald looking at me and yelling, ”What the hell are you looking at, loser?” But, still, did you see her in the Boardroom? The woman looked good! She appeared to have come straight from the set of a music video where she had just slithered off the hood of David Coverdale’s car or something and was ready for action. The hair. The makeup. The dress. It was all working. And not only did she have her face on, but she had her game face on as well, asking Summer of her teammates, ”Which was the weakest and which was the strongest, in your opinion? And I know you have an opinion.”
1. But that’s exactly the point: Summer never did have an opinion and was perhaps the most frustrating Boardroom participant ever, failing to utter a single interesting word during her entire run. Everyone was great. Nobody was any less great than anyone else. And every time Trump asked her who she thought he should fire — a question he has posed approximately 5,279 times per episode this season — she hemmed and hawed. I’m sure Summer is a lovely lady in real life. She just wasn’t very interesting to watch in this environment. She’s far too sane and far too grounded and far too nice. In other words, the exact opposite of what we demand from our Celebrity Apprentice contestants.
What did you think, dear Celebrity Apprentice recap reader? Were you glad to see Summer go? Is Curtis in love with himself? Were you as offended by Bret’s crack on plumber’s crack as Fuddy and Duddy? And can Bret actually win this thing and become the next Celebrity Apprentice?!? Hit the message boards and let us know. And for all the Celebrity Apprentice news and views, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. See ya next week. Cluck, cluck… splash!