The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Donald Trump Tries his Darndest to Fire Bret Michaels
Welcome, young adventurer! Welcome! It is I, Headmaster Blagojevich! Prepare yourself for a world of magic and sorcery. Hop aboard the Hogsnorts Express as it transports you to the Wizened World of Happy Porter! That’s right! And I hope you brought your schoolbooks with you, for your first stop in the Wicked World of Hammy Potted is here at Hogsnorts, where you will be enrolled in one of four classes. You may find yourself in Slythering, or perhaps even Ravencloth. Who knows! No, seriously, who knows? I can’t remember any of this stupid kid’s crap. I was a governor, but I didn’t govern dorky nerds living in a fantasy world for crissakes! Wait, is this mic still on? Dammit! Oh, wait, Hufflegruff? Is that right? Hufflegruff? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? NO MATTER! For at the Weekend Wall of Handsy Pork Chop, we have other attractions ready to enchant and enthrall! Like the…uh, the…the…the dragon ride! Yes, the dragon of some sort of rideymathingee. It, is…um, enchanting! And…er, enthralling! And it…uh, CAN I GET SOME MORE SMOKE IN HERE, PLEASE!
Annnnnnnnnnnnd…scene. The smoke was actually all too appropriate seeing as how Rod Blagojevich was in a fog this entire episode — the entire season really. What an incredible specimen this man is. Never have I come across someone so clueless. And this guy ran one of the biggest states in the union! How frightening is that? He was making huge decisions affecting millions of people…and he can’t even use a cell phone. Or a computer. Or make any decisions whatsoever. He’s utterly helpless. He is like a little child. Which is why this task of creating a promotional interactive display for a Harry Potter theme park should have been right up his alley as Project Manager. But it wasn’t. Because he’s incompetent. He looked completely clueless while meeting with the executives, slept the entire flight home, offered zero direction to his teammates, and couldn’t even remember basic facts about the theme park, its signature ride, or anything having to do with anything involving Harry Potter.
Which is exactly what has made him such a riveting character to watch. And which is exactly why Donald Trump did everything in his power to try and fire Bret Michaels instead. For you hardcore Celebrity Apprentice historians, let me go waaaaaaay back to 2008 and drop two words on you: Gene Simmons. Simmons was almost as absurd as Blago, albeit in a completely different way. Trump knew it and was dying to keep him, the same way he kept lunatics like Omarosa around because they made such good TV. But Simmons refused to bring people into the Boardroom with him that Trump could even somewhat-legitimately fire instead, forcing the well-coiffed one to dump the KISS bassist. And that’s exactly what happened here. Trump was begging — BEGGING! — Blago to bring Bret into the Boardroom with him. He asked him once if he wanted to change his mind. He asked him twice. He even tried to get Bret to somehow drag himself into the boardroom. He might as well have just hoisted up a huge neon sign that said, ”Yo, Blago-sphere — figure it out! I’m trying to do us both a solid here.”
Make no mistake: Bret in no way, shape, or form deserved to get fired. But at least Trump could work out some convoluted logic about how since Bret oversaw the failed challenge that he kinda, sorta, maybe could somehow be fired so that the hilarity that is Blagojevich could be kept around for a few more episodes. But when Rod insisted on bringing the Flash and the spiky-haired chef instead, the Trumpster knew there was no even semi-legitimate way around it: His reality TV meal ticket had to go.
NEXT PAGE: The 10 best Celebrity Apprentice moments
But don’t shed a tear over the departure of one of the most unintentionally hilarious TV personalities in years. Well, okay, shed a few. But Celebrity Apprentice has more to offer than a disgraced politician. So much more. And with that in mind, I present the 10 Most Fabulous (Mostly) Non-Blagojevich-Related Moments from last night’s Celebrity Apprentice.
10. Trump showing up on the private jet TV screen to give FAA instructions to the Project Managers
Is it just me, or was that really jarring? He’s everywhere, this Trump guy! (I half expected Ivanka to also come down the aisle with those annoying packs of peanuts that are impossible to open and hold only approximately seven legumes per bag.) But I think we should take this idea even further. How great would it be to set up a Trump cam at all the tasks where he can watch the teams work and comment whenever he feels it necessary? ”Hey, Goldberg! What’s with you? Are you passing out again? And you’re Jewish, right? Because with a name like Goldberg, let me tell you, you better be! And who is this Curtis Stone clown and how did he get on my show anyway. Stupid NBC! This is worse than the Deal or No Dealbriefcase opening broad they stuck me with last season! Hey, Goldberg — I’m not done with you yet!”
9. The ladies getting chippy with one another
When Holly was losing patience with kooky Cyndi Lauper, Sharon came to the singer’s defense, in essence, calling Holly and Summer out for being lame TV personalities. ”Without Cyndi, this would be the most boring thing, because you guys would be like watching ice melt.” Now, I’m not saying that Sharon is necessarily wrong about that, but it could be worse. Instead of Holly, we could have been stuck with some other 21 Jump Street loser, like one of the DeLuise brothers. (Note to Trump: Richard Grieco would be kind of awesome for next season. Or Johnny Depp. I’m sure he’s available and just waiting to sell hot dogs on street corners.) Holly actually does have some fight in her, as evidenced by her response of ”If I’m like watching ice melt, then call me a glacier and let’s get it on.” Yes, let’s.
Had no idea who she was when this season began. And still don’t really know. But I like what I see. She’s feisty and competitive, but level-headed as well. Gotta keep my eye on her, but not in some sorta creepy stalker way. Like Han Solo told Chewbacca on the stolen Imperial shuttle, I just need to ”fly casual.”
7. Bret Michaels hitting on anything that moves
Erin Burnett showed up as Trump’s ”eyes and ears” to check on the men, but Bret was the one doing all the checking out — of Erin. Someone needs to remind Bret that he’s no longer on Rock of Love, and all the women there aren’t dying to sleep with him, but that someone won’t be me because watching him work the ladies is so damn fun. Hell, this dude is so horny he probably would have hit on George if he had shown up. While we’re talking about Bret Michaels, there is also…
6. The fact that Bret Michaels has a bandanna surgically attached to his head
Seriously, what is going on there? Does that thing ever come off? Is the hair even real or is it connected to the bandanna in some sort of wig-like set-up? I don’t know, but I am really digging Bret on the show. Anytime you have a cheesy rock star trying like hell to prove they are more than just a cheesy rock star, good things are gonna happen.
NEXT PAGE: The Top 5 Celebrity Apprentice moments
5. The worst fake British accents you will ever hear in your entire life
I didn’t think it could get any worse than Bret’s phony-baloney accent he tried out in the van on the way over to the task, but good God, what the heck was coming out of Selita’s mouth as she made her presentation to the kids and Universal execs? The best part about her using that awful fake British Accent? The fact that there was someone with a real British accentstanding right next to her! Why wasn’t Sharon Osbourne doing the presentation if that’s what they wanted? Only on Celebrity Apprentice, ladies and gentlemen.
4. ”MUGGLES AND WIZARDS! MUGGLES AND WIZARDS! MUGGLES AND WIZARDS!”
Ahhhh! I think there is some black magic afoot! Lord Voldemort must have unleashed some sort of spell to turn Cyndi Lauper into a full-on crazy person. Honestly, if I had been one of those kids assaulted verbally by a homeless-from-the-future looking Cyndi, I probably would have run crying for mommy. Speaking of running home crying to mommy…
3. This quote
”I’m gonna let you use my wand just once. Now do you think you can take control of the wand?” — Curtis Stone to a young (and now, no doubt, permanently scarred) boy
2. Goldberg dressed as a tree
That was the most pathetic Whomping Willow I have ever seen. (”I’ll provide you with the stupidest moment ever on the history of The Apprentice,” opined the wrestler. And how!) But that’s not what cracked me up. What cracked me up was the way he would bark (no pun intended) out house names like ”Gryffindor!” and ”Slytherin!” at the kids while dressed as a tree. What are you, the Whomping Hat? The Sorting Tree? Make up your mind, man!
1. Brilliant Boardroom exchanges
Yes, Trump explaining about how Blago did not want to offend blacks, Jews, rockers, or ”central casting WASPs” was classic Donald all the way, but for pure nonsensical hilarity, give me this exchange between Trump and Blagojevich:
Blago: The Wizardry World of Harry Potter.
Trump: You know, it’s actually The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Blago: The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Blago: The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Blago: That’s correct.
I loved this exchange because it serves as a metaphor for Celebrity Apprentice itself — it seemingly goes on forever, has no real purpose or point, yet still manages to be insanely entertaining. Although maybe a tad less so now that Governor Goofball is gone.
Okay, folks — now, it’s your turn. What was your favorite Celebrity Apprentice moment this week? And will you miss Blago? Hit the message boards and let us know. And for more reality TV-related ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. See ya next week. Cluck, cluck…splash!