Blago solidifies his position as a reality TV superstar. Plus: Darryl Strawberry needs to take a nap

By Dalton Ross
March 30, 2010 at 01:40 AM EDT
Mitch Haaseth
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Hillo, my nime iz Rod Blagojevich. Daulton aksed me to typpe a few wordsssssss thanking you fooor waching me on Celebrity Aprince. Unfortanuely, it jst took me thrree hours to typpe that frssst sentemce. Män, typping is hard, ispecially when I ca’nt figure out how to ussse the spill check/ I mena, speall check.+? I mean, spell check. See that just took anouther eight hours. Now, im’ almost as tired as me good friend Darryl Somethingorother. Okay, g@tta go”. Rimember, im’ innosent!

Hey, give me that laptop, Blagojevich! And stop stealing all my hair-care products! Sorry about that, everyone. Blagojevich must have just hijacked my computer for a little more self-promotion. Or did he? Perhaps this is simply another case of… STOLEN IDENTITY! Better call Lifelock! And Norton! Oh, if only they had one joint product together so my lazy ass could make just one call instead of two! Oh, if only. Anyhoo, I’m glad Blago stepped by, because I want to lead things off by talking about the disgraced governor.

Say what you will about him allegedly trying to sell Obama’s senatorial seat. Say what you will about his seeming inability to accept one single ounce of blame for his actions. And say what you will about his wife appearing alongside Spencer Pratt on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. But say this also: The guy is a reality TV goldmine. Because reality TV is all about buffoonery, and Rod Blagojevich may just be the biggest buffoon in reality TV history. He’s like the bastard lovechild of Joe Schmo and Coach from Survivor. He just walks around as clueless as clueless can be with his goofy grin on. Ignorance must truly be bliss because this guy seemingly has no skills whatsoever and is caught up in a huge political scandal, yet walks around like he just ate up a huge bowl of sunshine. I wonder what the voters of Illinois — especially the ones that voted for him — think when they see how incompetent he is. Probably the same way I felt watching my hometown of Washington D.C. reelect Marion Barry after he was caught smoking crack and fondling a woman’s breast.

But I’m not here to hate on Blago. I’m here to show the love. Because all I want from the hours of 9 and 11 on a Sunday night is to be entertained by dolts, and as far as television goes, he is the most entertaining dolt I have seen in years. And in the defense of Rod Blagojevich as a television superstar, I would like to present the following exhibits into evidence, all from the most recent episode of Celebrity Apprentice:

NEXT: The evidence mounts for Blago

Exhibit A: His Computer Skills I don’t know what was more awesome, the fact that he did not know how to turn on a computer, or the fact that it took him 30 minutes to retype a few lines of copy. C’mon, admit it: He was cute with his little search-and-peck typing method. Kinda made me want to pinch his chubby little cheeks. And then go wash my hands in a bowl of Purell.

Exhibit B: The Way He Can Segue Any Conversation Into How He Was A Fantastic Governor Talk about staying on message. This guy never lets up! And why should he when he yields such unintentionally humorous results? Just check out last night’s episode, where in a matter of seconds — seconds! — he went from discussing the problems with his team to a list of all his amazing accomplishments as the Gov: Healthcare for children! Preschool for all! No raising taxes! Health care for seniors! The guy is a walking campaign ad. And yet I simply cannot turn him off.

Exhibit C: This Quote “We’re prematurely ejaculating. We need more foreplay.”

Exhibit D: The Incessant Hand Shaking For Blago, life is clearly one long campaign trail. Doesn’t matter if people recoil in horror or start yelling at him about how he should go to prison — he still wants to work the crowd. And I love the way he views New York as one big rope line. Of course, this means it takes him approximately three hours to walk a single block as he goes and aggressively searches out anyone to slap skin with. That can be frustrating for other team members who are looking to get some work done, which led to my favorite scene of the entire episode. Darryl Strawberry, getting tired of waiting for Skippy Smile-a-lot (although Darryl seems to get tired a lot) attempted to explain that it was unnecessary to stop and greet every single person. ”This is New York,” he told Blago. ”Everybody says hi. You gotta keep moving.” Blago’s response: ”I got you.” But then,just 2.5 seconds later, as he passed his very first person, he couldn’t resist. ”Hi!” I mean, that was one of the most genuine and hilarious things I’ve ever seen on TV. It’s like the little kid you tell to stop picking their nose, and they say “okay!” while their finger is still lodged three inches up their left nostril. It’s like that stupid scorpion that stings the frog: It’s just their nature. They can’t help it. And I can’t stop watching this doofus stumble around like Mr. Magoo. If Mr. Magoo had hair, that is.

NEXT: Bret tries to talk like a businessman

Okay, here’s what else caught my eye during episode 3 of Celebrity Apprentice.

The task — to put together a presentation as well as a four-page advertorial for a new Lifelock and Norton bundle — was not incredibly inspired, but one thing you can always count on with Celebrity Apprentice are fantastic meetings between the contestants and executives, and this episode was no different. For the ladies, Cyndi Lauper played the role of Rob Blagojevich, showing absolutely zero knowledge of anything relating to Macintosh computers. Meanwhile, for the men, Brett played the role of the person who talks in circles, as he kept gabbing endlessly while making no point whatsoever. This is one of the other hidden joys ofCelebrity Apprentice — watching people with zero business skill attempt to pass themselves off as intelligent entrepreneurs. ”Yes, and thereby henceforth, um, profit margin, nevertheless, inventory, uhhhhhh, price point, henceforth, and so on, etc….” Genius.

The women’s entire preparation boiled down to one noteworthy exchange. The first centered on the selection of spokesperson. Maria nominated Cyndi, but Project Manager Summer rejected that suggestion and said she wanted Sharon instead, explaining to Cyndi, ”I want to relate to every person, and you’re so extraordinary and unique.”

”Extraordinary about what?” inquired Cyndi. And then Summer backpedaled so fast I thought she was freakin’ Lance Armstrong. ”Just, your look is extraordinary and unique… because there’s no denying that you’re Cyndi Lauper.” Much like there is no denying that that is one of the worst defenses I have ever heard in my entire life. What does that even mean? I entered the text into my Summer Sanders Translator3000 and this is what it spit out: ”Just, your look frightens the hell out of me… because there is no denying that you’re Cyndi Lauper, and by that I mean you are completely incompetent and I would trust you to be spokesperson about as much as I would trust Ahmad Rashad to not try to hog all the spotlight on NBA Inside Stuff. Stupid Ahmad Rashad. Did he ever let me do one single Michael Jordan profile? No! Never!”

NEXT: Darryl can’t figure out how to quit

As for the men, outside of the brilliance of Blago, the other thing that caught my eye was the absolute lack of interest from Darryl Strawberry. The same dude that pretty much fell asleep on the job last week again complained about being ”totally exhausted.” He spouted some mumbo-jumbo about how celebrities and athletes are too cool to get up in the morning and put in an honest day of work. I also liked when he made Blago wait to go get the props so he could hang out and smoke a cigarette. (Dude, aren’t you an athlete?

Props to Selita for making fun of Curtis for insisting on constantly wearing his apron to remind people he’s a chef. ”That’s like me coming to work everyday with a thong and wings on back. Dude, are you kidding me? That’s ridiculous.” And, if I may say, kinda not a bad idea! I’m pretty confident Trump wouldn’t complain.

As for the presentations, it was unsurprising to see useless Blago and Darryl checking their watches during the men’s, while Sharon leveled the playing field by treating the Lifelock and Norton executives to a parade of obscenities. Even with the women’s PowerPoint not working, it was pretty clear they would be the winners. Of course, that didn’t mean we wouldn’t have some fantastic moments in the Boardroom. Like when Michael Johnson said that “anything you ask Darryl to do, he’s gonna do it and do it right.” Like sleeping! And smoking! And checking his watch during your presentation! And talking about how tired he is! But the highlight was Summer once again going into passive-aggressive-defensive mode. She told Trump all about the time wasted by listening to Cyndi’s stories only to then once again retreat and lamely try to convince Cyndi that she actually loved Cyndi’s stories because they always end soooooo great.

Of course the other intrigue centered on watching how hard Darryl was trying to quit without making itseem like he was quitting. He tried to make it appear like he was asking out just because he was such a fabulous team player and didn’t want to see any of his fellow teammates let go. Trump wasn’t having it, however, pointing out (accurately, I may add) that in his baseball career, Strawberry was ”more of an individual player than a team player.” Trump finally put the question out point blank: ”Darryl, do you want to be fired?” ”Yes,” he answered. ”Are you tried? Do you want to go home?” ”Yes,” replied Strawberry once again, miraculously without yawning. All the while, Goldberg was grunting occasionally at the opposite end of the table and making me feel that at any moment he was going to burst through the television screen and throttle me out of frustration at watching his useless teammate who had contributed absolutely nothing in three tasks bow out of the competition. But I say this to Darryl quitting: Good riddance. Better someone useless and unentertaining, like Darryl, go than someone useless and hilarious, like Blago. See ya, Darryl, wouldn’t want to be ya. (Seriously, I really wouldn’t.)

Well, that’s it for another outstanding week of Celebrity Apprentice For more news and views sent right to your virtual doorstep, be sure to follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. See ya next week. Cluck, cluck…splash!

Donald Trump, “you’re fired” — you know the drill.
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