Image Credit: Mitch Haaseth/NBC

Arsenio and Clay battle it out until the very end and wait to hear The Donald’s decision

May 21, 2012 at 05:44 AM EDT

Whew. What a weekend. Man, I am bushed. Think I’ll just kick back with a soda pop, see what that miserable drunk Andy Capp is up to in the funnies, and maybe take pity on my cats and change their litter for once. Then perhaps I’ll turn in early because I’ve got a big day tomorrow and…. Wait, what? The Celebrity Apprentice finale is tonight? Holy smokes! I’ve got to get to my computer and start writing my Celebrity Apprentice recap! Mr. Whiskers, get me the fastest driver anywhere in the world!

Mr. Whiskers: “Meow.”

Dalton: “Don’t sass me, Whiskers! This is serious business. I need someone to get me to the office so I can get cracking on this pronto! Make some calls! Hurry!”

Mr. Whiskers: “Meow.”

Dalton: “What do you mean you can’t dial numbers on a telephone with your paws? What good are you then? Ugh, never mind. But if you think I’m going to go change your litter now, you’re crazy!”

Mr. Whiskers: “Meow.”

Dalton: “WHAT?!? Aubrey O’Day did not deserve to win! Now you’re talking crazy talk is what you’re doing.”

[Mr. Whiskers lifts hind leg and starts cleaning self]

Dalton: “Hey, that’s uncalled for, Whiskers! Look, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on the Aubrey thing. Now let me call my mother-in-law and see if she can get her 1998 Chevy minivan over here and drive me to the office in between the speeds of 25 and 35 miles per hour. As for you, tell Adrian to get the elevator ready.”

Mr. Whiskers: “Meow.”


What an entrance! Just when you thought The Celebrity Apprentice could not get any more wonderfully absurd, along come Donald Trump and Mario Andretti in a race car, zooming through the streets of Manhattan CGI style before pulling up at the Natural History Museum for the big finale. This was an amazing entrance on many levels, beyond just the fact that Donald Trump arrived in a freakin’ race car. There’s also the fact that it was both daylight and raining outside — meaning this was clearly recorded on Tuesday day as opposed to Sunday night. There’s the fact that over-enthusiastic sign language interpreter Jack Jason was in the aisle Trump walked down when he arrived, and was forced to awkwardly abort an attempted high five when the Donald just kept walking past him. (I would have thought someone who works with his hands that much for a living would have been a bit more agile.) And, of course, there’s the fact that who was there to greet Trump on stage but none other than phony baloney Boardroom receptionist-turned-coat check girl Amanda Miller? What can’t she do?

Trump in a race car? Jack Jason? Amanda Miller? It’s as if someone raided my dreams and put them on national television! The only thing missing was the cast of Paradise Hotel cheering along from an onstage hot tub while the sweet sounds of Flickerstick blared out of the PA speakers. Of course, this bizarre entrance just made me long for the days when Jeff Probst used to jet ski/sky dive/motorbike the Survivor votes from oversees to the United States. Get back on that, Probst! You just got Trumped!

So, while tonight was ostensibly about who would be named the next Celebrity Apprentice winner: Clay Aiken or Arsenio Hall (and Arsenio would ultimately take home the proverbial crown), the evening also offered up the promise of lots of head-scratching and side-splitting moments that can only be found when you put people named Gotti and Ferrigno on live TV. Before we get to the actual final task — and I will offer my take on who won each of the three elements (PSA, party, performance) — let’s pay tribute to a few of those wonderfully crazy live shenanigans.

NEXT: Trump tries to get people to stop talking about money

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