The Celebrity Apprentice recap: NeNe Pulls a No-No

I know you’re expecting me to start this week’s Celebrity Apprentice recap with a blow-by-blow account of NeNe’s verbal beatdown of Star Jones, but let’s be honest, if I did that we’d be here all day. All week, in fact.. The whole thing just went on forever. So before I bring my “street game” I want to get to the most nonsensically wonderful aspect of the episode — yes, even more nonsensical than Meat Loaf trying to turn his team’s presentation into a Village People concert. I’m referring, of course, to the return of La Toya Jackson. People, let me just break it down: This was Celebrity Apprentice at its finest, because as far as I’m concerned, the more illogical this show is, the better. And there is zero logic in the world to justify allowing La Toya Jackson back onto this program. ZERO!

I don’t know which part of the La Toya-Donald summit I savored more. Was it when La Toya showed up in Trump’s office saying she couldn’t figure out why she was fired because there were “no grounds at that time”? (How about sucking for 7 straight challenges?) Or was it when Trump laid the obvious groundwork for her return by saying the problem was that La Toya could not make her case in the Boardroom because of her laryngitis? (As if she had a scintillating argument on the tip of her tongue that simply couldn’t be heard.) And don’t forget when La Toya said — in what may just be the best quote of the entire season — “”Forget all the idiotic things. Put that aside. Let’s discuss me.” (Let’s discuss me! How brilliant is that?)

“It’s a very interesting proposal,” responded The Donald. In fact, there was nothing interesting at all about it. Yet later, after Trump had La Toya strut into the Boardroom, he announced that, “La Toya came to my office. She made a very strong case as to why she should come back. And I respected that. So La Toya, congratulations. You’re back. ” Let’s examine that allegedly “strong case” that La Toya presented. Here’s exactly what she said — after, of course, forgetting all the idiotic things: “I want to come back. I want to come back because I want to show my strength. I want to prove my ability. Let me come back. Let me be with the guys. Let me show you.” Wow, do we have a debate team champion on our hands, or what? In fact, I would go so far as to call that one of the worst arguments I have ever heard in my life. Nowhere did she list any accomplishments whatsoever. Nowhere did she rattle off reasons for why her firing was unjust. Her entire plea was based around the fact that she simply wanted to come back. Hey, who doesn’t?

So, in essence, by proving what a terrible businesswoman she is by being completely incapable of selling herself and her accomplishments, La Toya somehow ends up back in the game! The irony is just too delicious for words. You know what I say? Why stop at La Toya? Let’s invite Busey back! Richard Hatch too (if we can get him out of jail). And why stop at this season? Remember when Darryl Strawberry kept falling asleep during tasks last year? Get that guy in here! Rob Blagojevich? He may not be able to use a cell phone, but guess what? Rehired! Omarosa? So what if she’s completely ineffectual. Sign her back up! Hell, if poor Matt ever gets off Survivor‘s Redemption Island we can bring him in too. It’s all the same damn thing anyway. The ultimate silver lining to this approach: CELEBRITY APPRENTICE WILL NEVER END! We can just put it on a continuous loop for the rest of time. It will become like the Hydra dragon: Every time one person is fired, two are immediately rehired! I don’t know about you, but I’m not complaining. And nor will I will complain about the Five Most Awesomely Absurd Celebrity Apprentice Moments of The Week!

NEXT: The freak out that never ends

1. NeNe shows Star her “street game”

Unlike Meat Loaf’s epic yet somewhat contained outburst against a non-paint stealing Gary Busey, what was so impressive about NeNe’s attack on Star Jones was the shear longevity of it. This woman has stamina! From the opening bell where they were first assigned their task, all the way through to the bitter Boardroom end, NeNe unleashed a flurry of invective at her positively petrified teammate. This was the Energizer Bunny of verbal beat-downs. It just kept going…and going…and going. You can’t simply chalk this up to heat of the moment. For one thing, the moment lasted for two full days. For another, Nene told us before it all started that, “I’m going to figure it out. How am I gonna f— Star up? And I am.” Premeditation. Even better!

The scene at their task assignment was beyond bonkers, with NeNe apparently set off because Star suggested that the Atlanta Housewife be Project Manager. “I know how you think,” NeNe began yelling.” I know how you play the game. And you are playing with the right one.” Not for nothing, but shouldn’t it be the wrong one? The “right one” seems to indicate that Star did a good job of picking out her target but the wrong one would mean that…. You know what. Never mind. Correcting the English of Celebrity Apprentice contestants is about as futile as it gets.

The other highlight was Star walking over to the other side of the team away from NeNe…and then NeNe following her like a human LoJack. “You talked a good game, now bring your street game because that’s what I’m bringing,” barked NeNe. “Now where’s Barbara Walters?” Good question! Maybe Trump can add her to the men’s team too.

And this was just the beginning. Spewing out approximately 5 curse words per sentence, NeNe kept hammering Star both to her face and to us. “Evil fat lady,” she called her at one point. “You might have lost weight on the outside but your brain is still very fat.” Again, not sure this insult makes a whole lot of sense. If you’re calling her brain fat, you’re in essence saying she has a very big brain and is therefore a very smart woman. See, there I go again, trying to force these people to make sense when they speak. Sorry, that’s my bad.

The funniest bit of all, of course, was, after losing the task, with NeNe, Star and Hope all waiting in the reception area to be called back in to the Boardroom. NeNe kept her assault on full blast. When Hope then tried to timidly interject with “Nene…” she was immediately cut-off. “You cannot talk to me.” And Hope obeyed orders and clammed up. No wonder she was fired instead of NeNe, who ran the losing team and was chided for her poor job as master of ceremonies. As we all know, it’s not talent that determines who stays and goes. It’s fireworks. And right now NeNe and Star are the freakin’ Fourth of July.

NEXT: Fantastic Farouk

2. Celebrity Apprentice‘s newest crazy character

I didn’t think the revealing of this week’s task could get any better than Trump’s opening line of “Celebrities like looking good. Can we agree?” But then it did, as The Donald revealed that the teams would be producing a hair show. What does producing a hair show have to do with being a good businessman or woman? Absolutely nothing! But that’s who paid for the product placement, dammit, so that’s what we’re going to do. Plus, is there a task more apt for the Trumps than one dealing with hair makeovers? “I’ve been abused over the years for my hair,” said Trump. “I don’t think it’s so bad. I have friends that don’t have any hair.” Good point! But in between Donald’s unearthly combover and Don Jr. and Eric’s slicked back style let’s just say the Trump family taking in a hair show is not the worst idea in the world.

But forget about the Trumps, the hair, and the overly enthusiastic stylists that would later stalk the stage like metrosexual panthers, teasing women’s follicles with a fury that bordered on maniacal. I’m here to talk about one man and one man only: Farouk Shami. Lil’ John can boast all he wants while strutting through Lord & Taylor, but Farouk was the full-on pimp in this episode. Did you check out his red cowboy boots? Who wears red cowboy boots? I’ll tell you who: Farouk Shami, that’s who!

But his showmanship didn’t stop there. When Trump informed the teams that the winning Project Manager would get $20,000 for his or her charity, Farouk went all Robert De Niro on us, acting with the skill of the Julliard-trained expert. “20,000, Mr. Trump?” he asked while looking shocked. “How about make it 40!” Never mind that every single other Celebrity Apprentice sponsor had also matched the show’s winnings. None of them did it with such style and panache. But the best part of all was that Farouk’s matching offer was punctuated by the ultimate of sweet dude hand gestures — the double thumbs up. Everybody loves a double thumbs up. It’s irresistible in its complete and absolute uncoolness. Go ahead — put both your thumbs in the air right now. How dorky do you feel doing it? Pretty damn dorky, am I right? That’s what makes the double thumbs up such a winner. It’s so over-the-top uncool that it somehow manages to simultaneously become the coolest thing ever! The only thing that could have made the scene any more amazing is if Farouk personally went over and high-fived every single contestant while yelling “USA! USA! USA!” at the top of his lungs. In closing, I am obsessed with Farouk Shami.

3. Unrealistic expectations

You have to give it up to John Rich. His idea to bring in one of the women’s former teammates, Niki Taylor, as a hair model was a stroke of genius. But not as genius as Meat Loaf’s idea. As they sat around brainstorming possible other celebrities that could get to join them, Meat Loaf tossed out the name Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts?!? THE Julia Roberts? America’s sweetheart? Let me get this straight: Jesse James couldn’t even get his wife Sandra Bullock to appear, and now you want Julia Roberts? Why not? I’m sure she’s free and would love nothing more than to appear on a Donald Trump-hosted reality show alongside NeNe Leakes and Hope Whateverherlastnameis. And why limit yourself to just Julia Roberts? I hear Meryl Streep is desperate for work. Natalie Portman may be pregnant and just coming off her first Oscar win, but really, how could she refuse?

NEXT: Star runs for cover

4. Hit the lights!

The Julia Roberts suggestion was not Meat Loaf’s greatest contribution to the episode, however. Nor was it his several trips to the bathroom. As the men started setting up their presentation, Meat Loaf was assigned to handle the lighting for the show. “I’ve done lighting for 43 years,” he explained. “It’s a gift. That’s it. It’s a gift.” What’s a gift? Throwing a stupid spotlight on Niki Taylor? And is it a gift so nice you had to say it twice? I turn the light on when I get out of bed in the morning, and that “gift” would seem about equal to Mr. Loaf’s. Meat then went on to explain to one of his lighters how the backdrop of the stage was going to say, “Feelin’ Good in America” in big red, white, and blue letters. “Believe me, this is gonna be high energy,” he told the crew member. “Grab a hold of your balls and hang on.” Now why couldn’t it have said that in big letters on the stage? You know who would have loved it: Farouk Shami!

5. Star Jones scared out of her mind

As relentless and over the top as NeNe was with her assaults, it was nice to see someone finally stand up to self-loving Star. And it was also fascinating watching the bullying Ms. Jones finally be on the other side of a verbal smackdown. Her reaction? Fear. Complete and total fear. We saw her physically move away from NeNe during the task assignment and then cower for the entire rest of the task. She was too proud to admit it, but Trump knew the truth. “I’ve known you for a long time and never seen you scared,” he told her in the Boardroom. “You were scared.” Yes, she was. And while it’s hard to endorse anyone dishing out the amount of prolonged abuse that NeNe did, there was something gratifying about seeing the person on the receiving end of it.

And so another exciting installment of Celebrity Apprentice comes to a close. I would say we’d miss you, Hope, but I’ve already completely forgotten who you were in the first place. Now it’s your turn, dear readers, to tell us what you think? Is letting La Toya back in the game the most ludicrous thing you’ve ever seen? And are you on Team NeNe, Team Star, or Team Nobody? Hit the message boards and let us know. And for more reality ramblings, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!