The Celebrity Apprentice recap: The Mouth That Roared
Prepare yourself, ladies and gentlemen. Strap yourself in good and tight, because I am about to lay on you the greatest quote in Celebrity Apprentice history. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Impossible! Better than an entire season full of Buseyisms? Better. Better than the “whore pit vipers” escapade of 2009? Better. Better than Rod Blagojevich butchering the names of every single Harry Potter character? Sooooo much better. I’m not going to even set the scene or offer any sort of context at all. The quote is just that good. And with that, I present to you…Miss Aubrey O’Day.
“Teresa thinks that everybody is great friends and that they all love her, but the second that we lose, Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her and she’ll get to see what I went through the other night.”
Ummm…no, wait, I need a minute to digest that. Okay…nope, still not ready. Thought I was, but I wasn’t. Give me another minute. [Deep breath] So, let’s focus on the last part of that sentence, shall we? “Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her and she’ll get to see what I went through the other night.”
START THE GANG-BANG ON HER?!? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, did Lisa Lampanelli just take a side-job as network censor? How the hell does that make it past the standards and practices department and onto network television? Again, “Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her.” Does Teresa’s husband Joe know that Clay and Arsenio are about to start the gang-bang on her? Is he cool with that? Is he part of it? And is that really what Aubrey “went through the other night?” If so, how did that not make the show? So many questions!
I have so much more to say on this topic but I honestly don’t know how to comment any further without either getting fired or blowing up the internet, so I’m just going to sit here in silent awe for awhile…………. Okay, I’m ready to move on, but it also should be noted that I certainly wouldn’t put it past Celebrity Apprentice to stage a spin-off series: Celebrity Gang-Bang. Hey, what’s the big deal? It’s for charity!
But this truly odd choice of words was just one of many shockingly saucy moments from last night’s Celebrity Apprentice. No, you were not dreaming when you heard Teresa Giudice tell Clay Aiken to “Come over here, honey and get behind me” and Clay respond with “Here, take it in your hand.” You weren’t dreaming — you were having a nightmare! And if I weren’t already so mentally scarred by the Teresa/Clay/Arsenio threesome, I would no doubt be extremely troubled by Aubrey cooing “Daddy!” at Paul and Paul immediately bringing up the topic of spanking. What-in–the-name-of-a-strongly-worded-Human-Resources-sensitivity-training-memo is going on here? Gang bangs? Role playing? Spanking? Just another season of Celebrity Apprentice, baby! Here are the five other best things from last night’s episode.
1. Lisa Vs. Arsenio
You knew things would not be all happy-happy-joy-joy when Lisa met up with Arsenio after he brutalized Aubrey in the Boardroom. Maybe Arsenio figured he could hide from her by pulling a Corey Hart and wearing his sunglasses at night, but he was wrong. In a fantastic display, you had Lisa on one side of the room telling Teresa that the men on her team were “little bitches” while Arsenio was on the other side of the room telling Paul that Aubrey was a “bitch” and a “whore.” Damn, who isn’t a bitch on this show? Not Lisa Lampanelli apparently. “You’re going straight for bitch and whore?” she confronted Arsenio. “Really? You better hope I’m never on your team because if anybody calls me a bitch or whore they’re gonna have way more problems when they f—ing do it.”
NEXT: Anyone seen Penn Jillette?
I’m not going to sit here and defend any man calling a woman names like bitch and whore, but Arsenio does have a point when he says that “Lisa Lampanelli is the last human being on the planet that can tell me what language I should use when I’m angry. That’s the pot calling the kettle black.” Actually, bitch and whore are probably the tamest words to ever come out of Lisa’s act. But Lisa is on to something when she says “And don’t ruin your f—ing image and your f—ing career. You’ll be bitching and whoring and every woman in America is going to f—ing hate you.” Arsenio is no shock comic. He’s always been of the Jay Leno nice guy variety, so to make like Dice Clay — another former Celebrity Apprentice contestant, I might add — probably isn’t doing him any favors.
I was ready to call this one a draw, but then Lou and Dayana showed up, and Lisa started yelling at them! After informing the not-so-dynamic duo they had five brain cells between them, she told them how she really felt about one of them not being fired instead of Dee Snider. “That was f—ed up, Lou. I don’t give a s— how bad you feel. That was f—ed up, And you were not an effective leader, and you had no ideas so you’re both f—ing useless.” We can only assume that Lisa then went out and called Amanda the receptionist a “f—ing bulls— excuse of a receptionist that doesn’t even have a f—ing computer,” and accosted Adrian the elevator operator for “looking like a motherf—ing doofus when those s—head losers have to take a ride down to their god— car.”
2. Easy Come, Even Easier To Go
The teams were instructed this week to create a 60 second advertisement for Entertainment.com while also attempting to guess how many bottles of Erik Trump’s hair gel Don Jr. stole for the episode. But leave it to magician Penn Jillette to find another way to disappear. One task after bolting halfway through for Canada, Penn ditched the team again for another gig. Said Lou Ferrigno, “You don’t leave, run off to do a job, and come back the next morning.” I love you, Lou, but you could not be more wrong! This is Celebrity Apprentice! In fact, I would say you are not only allowed to take off whenever you want, you are practically encouraged to do so. Because nobody ever gets fired for missing a task!
“Do you think Penn should get a pass for being gone?” asked Trump in the Boardroom. Of course he should get a pass! Everyone gets a pass! (At least everyone without the last name Kardashian.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If I were a contestant my strategy would be to skip every single project until the final. Then I’d come up with some sort of awesome beverage campaign, win the title, and make out with Ivanka Trump right there on the Boardroom table. She simply wouldn’t be able to resist the air of mystery I would have cultivated with all my absences.
NEXT: Is that hair dye in your mustache or are you just happy to see me?
3. The Kinder, Gentler Paul Teutul Sr.
For their ad, team Unanimous decided to shoot a porno starring Aubrey O’Day. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. It was just supposed to sound like a porno. (Maybe I got confused by Arsenio repeatedly referring to the star of the ad as a “whore.”) Anyhoo, Aubrey and some actor dude were going to be talking very suggestively with each other while really referring to the joy and ecstasy of Entertainment.com. Playing the conservative, protective dad in this skit was none other than Paul. Problem: With his tattoos and crazy mustache, Paul doesn’t look very conservative. Solution: Dress Paul like a dork, cover his tattoos, and color his crazy mustache.
Honestly, I didn’t get the reason for coloring Paul’s facial and head hair a reddish auburn hue, and then it hit me. Paul must be a Claymate!!! He wants to be Aiken! People always want to pigeonhole Clay’s fans as being of the female variety, but who’s to say Paul Teutul Sr. doesn’t blare a little “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in the shop while working on his big hogs. Clay Aiken jumps all genres, bounds over all borders. His voice is infectious, his charisma irresistible. Who can blame Paul for falling under Clay’s spell? He was not the first. Nor will he be the last. Of course, Paul has his street cred to maintain, so he claims he is more Clark Griswald than Clay Aiken in his new get-up, but unless he has a Family Truckster parked outside, I remain dubious.
Unanimous’ ad is definitely a bit risqué, and Aubrey was absolutely right that they should have taken out the words “old fashioned,” but it at least was more entertaining than watching team Forte literally act out the lyrics to the “Sitting in a Tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G” song (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some dork talking about saving money on a baby carriage).
4. Lisa Vs. Lou
Don’t make the Hulk angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Actually, I’m pretty sure Lisa Lampanelli doesn’t like Lou Ferrigno no matter what mood he is in. But Lou was not going to take it anymore, and in the Boardroom he finally decided to throw down. “Lisa is lucky to not be a man tonight because I would throw her right through that wall,” he told Trump. Whether he was insinuating that Lisa is a man on other nights is somewhat unclear, but Lou was definitely pissed. Why, you ask? “You called me a f—ing loser. Take it back. You’re very negative. Nobody calls Lou Ferrigno a loser.” I don’t know, didn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger basically call you a loser throughout the entirety of Pumping Iron? I mean, wasn’t that what that entire documentary was about? At least that’s what I took away from it. But I digress.
Perhaps the greatest part of this confrontation was Trump’s claim of “Lisa, I’ll protect you…I think.” Yeah. I think not. Unless he’s planning to use Don Jr’s hair gel as rock hard protective shield, there’s really nothing Trump can do if Ferrigno wants to go all Hulk and stuff. Eventually Lou just started yelling bulls— a whole lot until Trump told them their team lost the task.
NEXT: You can’t handle the truth!
Upon hearing this news, Lou and Lisa adjourned to the lobby for more arguing, and then back to the Boardroom for round 3. At this point you had to admire Lisa’s stamina if nothing else. I mean, yelling at that many people for such an extended period of time has to take a toll, but this woman was committed. In fact, I dare say she committed to her verbal abuse 110…no, I’d even go as high as 137%! Lou’s simply no match for her in the trash talking department, which Lisa made clear when she went on to accuse him of using his hearing loss as an excuse when convenient. “He uses the hearing as an excuse when he needs it,” Lisa claimed. “And he says don’t focus on my hearing when he doesn’t need it, sir. It’s absolutely manipulation.” Hey, Donald Trump will be the only person to manipulate things in the Boardroom, thank you very much. For I have never seen a man manipulate logic, reason, and consistency with more skill and aplomb when it comes to firing people than Mr. Trump.
5. How Dare You Answer Questions Honestly in the Boardroom!
As soon as Lou talked about giving 100% in the challenge, I knew it was over. You can’t brag week in and week out about giving 110% and then suddenly lollygag in there with a mere 100%. Seriously, only 100%? That’s pathetic. Sure, Ferrigno realized his mistake and almost immediately corrected himself, claiming to have actually given 110%, but that simple slip of the tongue threw his entire percentile chart into doubt. I mean, who’s to say this guy ever gave 110%? It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore, Lou.
But the one thing that I can’t help but find hilarious about Lou’s firing is that he got fired for the very thing that Trump repeatedly insists you do —tell the truth. How many times did the Trumpster say that he always wants everyone to be honest? But then he fires Lou for being “disloyal” in answering DT’s question truthfully as to which team created the better commercial. Lou said Unanimous did, and got fired for it. (Even though Lisa and Dayana have now lost a remarkable 7 out of 9 tasks. 7 out of 9! They are officially the Charlotte Bobcats of celebrity reality shows!)
Even Don. Jr. — no doubt inspired by the potty mouths of Lisa and Lou — couldn’t help cursing when he pointed out that ““he did give him his real opinion instead of bulls—.” LANGUAGE, DON JR! Moral of the story: Speak only bulls— in the Boardroom. But if you were vacillating between bored, amused, and annoyed by Lou Ferrigno this season, he made up for it all by how he reacted to being fired: “Take it back. I don’t want to be fired.” Take it back! How genius is that? That sounds like something you’d bust out on the playground after some kid accused you of having cooties. Take it back! Amazing. And even more amazing was Trump’s reply: “Lou, there’s nothing I can do.” Oh, really? I believe La Toya Jackson would beg to differ. You fired her, she said she wanted to come back, and you let her for absolutely no reason whatsoever. God, I love this show. Okay, before we finish up, it’s time for this week’s quick hits.
NEXT: Damn you, technology!
• What is it about Celebrity Apprentice contestants that make them so allergic to technology. Rod Blagojevich was completely flummoxed by a laptop and even treated his cell phone as some sort of futuristic device from outer space meant to confound and perplex poor ordinary humans. And now Lou Ferrigno can’t even send an email. It’s an email! Okay, maybe with an attachment, but still — an email!
• Aubrey did not completely escape ridicule in the Boardroom this week. Clay’s comment that Teresa is “probably the nicest woman on this side of the table” was telling considering there was only one other woman on that side of the table — Aubrey. And Ms. Ronald McDonald even got a stern talking to from Boardroom Dominatrix Ivanka: “You are very polarizing in a certain way. You tend to speak more often than the person that should be speaking and that’s the type of thing that really alienates the rest of your team.”
• I’ve been trying all season to figure out who shoves more black shoe polish in their hair — Lou or Penn — and it has just been too damn close to call. My only suggestion to both of them would be to combine their purchase and buy in bulk. Just imagine the savings!
• Penn did, however, show remarkable self-awareness when he rebuffed Trump’s suggestion that he should have been the one hitting on the young woman in the ad. “I consider myself to be too old for that,” Penn replied. “For a young woman?” answered Trump. “I agree I think you’re much too old for a young woman. I hate those people.” Say what you will about Donald Trump, but the guy has no problem poking fun at himself. Although perhaps there is a limit. After Lisa commented that “I actually think it would have been kind of creepy to have someone who’s 56-years-old with a 20-year-old girl in this context,” Don Jr. mock fired her for such a scandalous outburst.
• One final note about Lou’s departure. Love the way he shook the doorman’s hand on the way out. Now that’s 110% class.
Enough of my rambling. Now it’s your turn. Stunned that Lisa and Dayana are still standing after having lost 7 out 9 projects? Think contestants should still be allowed to take off and leave tasks as they please? Care to weigh in on Paul’s new look? The message boards are now open for business. And for more Celebrity Apprentice inanity and insanity, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!