The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Go Fly a Kite!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! That was my first reaction upon seeing Gary Busey fired. Not because he deserved to stay, mind you. Au contraire, mon frère. After Rod “How do you work a cell phone?” Blagojevich and Darryl “Can I take another nap, please?” Strawberry, Busey may have been the most ineffective Celebrity Apprentice contestant ever. I won’t miss his talent, because he didn’t have any. And I won’t even miss his wacky Buseyisms, which were funny in small doses, but became tiresome in large quantities. But what I will miss are the hilarious rationalizations Donald Trump used to keep Gary around week after week. It infuriated most of America, who operate under the assumption that the most qualified person should stay. Not me. I know full and well that people who make good TV advance and people who don’t go home. So to me, the worse Gary did, the harder Trump would have to work to convince everybody that he deserved to stay. And therein lies the true humor and genius of Celebrity Apprentice.
Want a good laugh? Go back and watch last week’s episode again and count the amount of times Trump calls Gary “brilliant.” From the way Trump was talking you would have thought Busey had split the atom, cured cancer, and solved the Rubik’s Cube — and all before breakfast. This is the same man who just had an intimate conversation over the phone with an Omaha Steaks customer service representative. The same man that could not spell “absolutely” or “key lime.” The same man who can’t figure out how to put tissue paper in a box. There’s your genius.
Unfortunately for us, Trump felt like even he — perhaps the best BS-er in the history of BS-dom — could carry this charade out no longer, and his tone changed. Upon meeting the Omaha Steaks executives, he informed them that: “He’s had a little difficulty but that’s okay. He’s potentially genius but we haven’t figured it out yet. He’s either a genius or a moron and I can’t figure it out.” Later, in the Boardroom he told the rest of team Backbone, “He’s totally messed up, fellas, but you have to admit, there’s something nice about him.” Finally, he sealed the deal in the most gentle manner possible with, “Gary, you’re very talented, you’re very unique, you’re an amazing guy, but Gary, you’re fired.”
I cannot express how completely disappointed I am in Donald Trump’s actions. He thought that even for him, he was stretching the limits of credibility. I say…STRETCH FURTHER! This is Celebrity Apprentice, dammit! Credibility should be the last thing on your mind. Think of it this way: Celebrity Apprentice, is, in essence a comedy. And what could be funnier that Donald Trump driving the entire men’s team to the breaking point by refusing to fire Gary Busey? Can you imagine what would have happened to Meat Loaf if Trump had kept Busey around one more week? Just one more week! Mr. Loaf could barely speak by the end of this task. One more go round and he would have turned into a shivering, quivering mess. Oh, God, it would have been delicious. And Trump continuing to praise Busey as brilliant while he did nothing at all — sending John Rich and Lil Jon into fits of exasperation in the process — would have been gold. Pure gold. But instead he had to put Busey out of his misery like an inured horse. An injured, delusional, acronym-obsessed horse.
NEXT: Boy, oh boy
The only great part about Trump firing Gary Busey — other than the obvious plus of us no longer having to watch Gary Busey — was The Donald’s line to Ivanka and Don Jr. right after. “Well, I think that was pretty obvious. Oh, you mean unlike the past six weeks?!? It’s only obvious NOW?!? Ridiculous and amazing at the same time, much like our Five Awesomely Absurd Celebrity Apprentice Moments of the Week!
1. John Rich giving Gary Busey waaaaaaaay too much credit
Sometimes people do things and say things that are so beyond comprehension, that the only logical explanation must be that the whole thing is a put on. That’s kind of the way I felt the first time I watched Flash Gordon. Apparently that’s what happened to John Rich, who concluded that Busey’s act was just that — an act, and that Busey was something far more cunning… a saboteur! “You’re either crazy or a saboteur, ” John told Gary. “And I don’t think you’re crazy, so you’re a saboteur.” Later, explaining his thinking to the camera, John informed us that, “Gary Busey is a very savvy player. He’s playing the game.”
John Rich is completely 100% right: Gary Busey is playing the game. Only the game is in his head and involves marshmallows, unicorns, satyrs, and the Cookie Crisp mascot (the wizard, not the burglar). No, John, he’s crazy. But throughout the task, John kept turning Busey into the second coming of Keyser Söze. “I think Gary Busey is causing distraction on purpose so somebody gets fired instead of him,” the country star with the bitchin’ mustache insisted.
There was one other person who agreed with John’s assessment of Gary Busey as a diabolical genius — Gary Busey! “Sure, when some people see me they think somewhere there’s a village missing their idiot,” said Gary. “But that’s not true because I have a eternal wealth of knowledge. I will not let that cat out of the bag.” Do I even need to point out that this was followed by him impersonating a cat? And was it ever in doubt that he would? I think we’re just lucky he didn’t go demonstrate proper litter box technique (Big Wednesday alert!!!!). Later, Busey attempted to illustrate the method to his madness: “I’m very subtle and mysterious in my working with the team. They’re unaware of the focus that I have because I don’t show them my focus. That’s part of my art. That’s part of my mystery.” Or, maybe you don’t show them your focus because you have no focus. Just another theory I’ve been kicking about.
Speaking of kicking. John Rich was ready to kick the you-know-what out of Busey after he claimed Gary called him “boy.” Silly John. Everyone knows he was calling you “Kaboy.” And everyone knows Kaboy is what people call the Dallas Cowboys in their “inner circle.” Maybe you were unaware because you’re a fan of the Buffalo Kabills or the Cleveland Kabrowns.
Seriously, though, “Kaboy” has to be the worst save of all time. Look at all the other options at Busey’s disposal. He could have said, “No, I was calling you Roy, because you wear a hat like Roy Rogers.” Or “Absolutely not. I called you Joy because you bring joy to the team, not unlike a dancing rainbow.” Or “I’m sorry, I got confused and thought you were Troy, like the former quarterback of my favorite football team, the Dallas Kaboys.”
NEXT: Now we’re cookin’…or not
2. Trump pimping his own restaurant…and a contestant
Some people get turned off by the way Donald Trump is constantly hyping all his different enterprises. I’m just the opposite. I love it. It’s so shameless and over the top it makes for fabulous entertainment. And you have to love the fact that even though Omaha Steaks — don’t call them Omaha! — paid an obscene amount of cash for this two hour advertisement, Trump still had to work in a plug for his own restaurant, The Trump Tower Grill. He made the teams meet there to learn about their next task, proclaiming, “The Grill does tremendous business. If you can’t order from the Trump Tower Grill, you can order from Omaha Steaks.” I’m sure Todd and Bruce Simon were like, “Gee, thanks, Donald. Can we have our money back now?”
My other favorite moment of the executive introduction was when Hope Whatsherlastname was introduced as Project Manager. “Whoa, whoa, our Playmate of the Year, fellas,” Trump said to the Simons. Let’s put that through our Trump Skeez-o-Meter 2000 translating machine to see what he really meant with that comment. Oh, here it is: “Hey, you guys handle meat all the time, right? Well, how’d you like to put your hands all over that! Am I right? C’mon, Simons, don’t get shy on me. Or perhaps you’d like a different cut. A petite filet, if you will. Have you heard all the stories about Marlee’s bedroom? I have! Wow! Wait, neither of you have tattoos, do you?”
3. Adults who don’t know how to cook
Gary Busey’s first big decision as Project Manager was to make Meat Loaf the chef. Just one problem: Meat Loaf said he can’t cook. How can he not know how to cook? His first name is Meat, for crissakes! And his last name is Loaf! That’s like me changing my name to Booze Hound and then saying I don’t drink. (Which I never plan to say as long as I live.) But Meat wasn’t the only person who was unfamiliar with meat: La Toya Jackson also informed us that “Growing up we had personal chefs in my home. And we still do, of course.” Of course. Turns out La Toya had never cooked a burger before. “But I have cooked an egg!” (My money is on hardboiled.)
For her part, NeNe was incredulous. “For a woman to say I don’t know how to cook is crazy to me. Do you live in America? That’s what we do — eat hamburgers!” And watch reality shows where a curiously-coiffed billionaire makes D-list celebrities take part in ridiculous tasks for his — and our — amusement. AMERICA KICKS ASS!!! Later, La Toya’s burgers naturally caught on fire right next to NeNe. “Oh my gosh, she’s trying to do the Michael Jackson on me!” I realize she was merely talking about the Pepsi fire incident, but the phrase “do the Michael Jackson on me” makes me really uncomfortable. If anyone ever threatens to “do the Michael Jackson” on you, get the hell out of there.
NEXT: Up in the Air
4. Team A.S.A.P After Dark
If the women of Celebrity Apprentice are prone to catfights, then the cats were in heat this week. First, Star insisted on holding on to a chef’s apron (with the chef in it) right at penis level while asking about a logo they wanted printed there. Then she continued to hold up the logo right in front of his junk, as if she wanted to tattoo it on there. (Don’t do it! Trump hates tattoos!) But the piece de resistance came as NeNe was adding some garnish to her plate. Too much garnish, it turns out, so Marlee asked her to cut back on it. “You’re trimming your bush,” she said. Excuse me, did I just hear an Academy Award winner joke about women’s pubic hair? I believe I did. And I believe I’m moving on because I don’t see how I can possibly comment on this any further without getting myself in trouble.
5. Going kite crazy
The only thing that was discussed this episode more than the boy/cowboy/kaboy fiasco was Gary Busey’s sudden obsession with kites. John Rich was busy talking about the team’s Father’s Day meal when Busey all of a sudden interjected that, “It would be great to bring your dad a kite.” That’s right, Gary Busey actually just told John Rich to go fly a kite. You thought that would be the end of it, but you thought wrong. The kite would make its next fly-by at the men’s presentation. Gary’s first talking point was about how after eating Omaha steaks, “The digestion is clean. And therefore you’re open.” I have no idea if this has something to do with someone “doing the Michael Jackson” on you or “trimming your bush” — again, these are their words, not mine — but it’s not something I think you normally hear on a cooking show. Then came the Father’s Day meal, and the full-length extended dance remix of the kite story.
Of course, you can’t keep a good kite story down. Or a bad one, it seems, as Gary was asked to repeat it yet again at the Boardroom. “I have no idea what you said,” the Donald responded after. “You lost me at kite,” said Ivanka. He actually lost the rest of us the first minute he stepped foot on this show. But Busey was fun to watch for a while. And Donald was even more fun to watch as he stretched the boundaries of common sense to degrees never seen before just to keep him around. That’s okay, he still has La Toya!
Are you happy or sad to see Busey go? Sick of Star Jones and her all-consuming graphics? Amazed by the number of times Meat Loaf rubbed his face in frustration? Hit the message boards and let us know what you thought of the episode. And for more Celebrity Apprentice news and views, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!