Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
April 02, 2012 at 06:00 AM EDT

The Celebrity Apprentice

TV Show
Current Status
On Hiatus
Reality TV

I’m sorry, but when did Celebrity Apprentice become a freakin’ math class? And if it is a math class, allow me to say that every single one of these contestants appears to be failing — miserably. Lou Ferrigno has been talking all season about giving 110%. On the plus side, that shows someone willing to go all out. On the minus side…IT MAKES NO SENSE! Are Donald Trump Jr. and I the only people that understand this? Lou’s claims of 110% effort have been extra dubious not just due to the inherent mathematical impossibility, but due to the fact that he appears to not actually be working that hard at all.

And lately, we’ve seen this disease of inaccurate percentiles spread like wildfire. Last week it was the always delightful and demure Aubrey O’Day who — while seeking to upstage Ferrigno — claimed she gave 150% in the task (although she later came off as something of a slacker when she bragged about putting only  “110% into every task” — clearly 40% below optimum performance level). Lou was back to his old tricks again this week, randomly barking out the words “110%” ad nauseam as if he was suffering from a sudden bout of some rare, previously undiagnosed form of numerical Tourette’s. When asked by Don Jr. who was not giving 110%, Lou called out Dee Snider. What? Am I to believe Dee Snider is only giving 100%? How dare he?!?

Dee, however, insisted that Lou’s version of 110% merely equaled his version of 50%. What does this mean? Is Dee telling us he’s only giving 50% or that Lou is only giving 50%? And if Lou insinuated that Dee was only giving 100%, does that mean that Dee is only actually giving 45%? Hold on, now Lou is telling Trump that he should not be fired because “I stepped up to the plate and gave it all to make sure the whole team would give 110%.” But, wait, you just said Dee didn’t give 110%. And Dee told us he only gave 50%. And hold on yet again because now Dee is telling Trump that the team did not give 110% but actually gave 120%. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? I’M SO CONFUSED! I’M LIKE ROD BLAGOJEVICH TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A LAPTOP! NOTHING MAKES SENSE!

And when it comes to fuzzy math, that’s not all. It seems the entire NBC network has also gotten its numbers mixed up, for instead of airing the usual two hour edition of Celebrity Apprentice, the network decided to give us…150%!!! That’s right, a special three-hour edition of the show! But wait, not even that is correct, because tonight’s three-hour episode was actually two two-hour episodes condensed together, meaning we were actually operating at only 75% of our regular Celebrity Apprentice capacity per challenge/Boardroom. What kind of Dee Snider sub-110% crap is that?!? By the way, anyone else’s head hurt right about now? It’s all your fault, Ferrigno! I blame you…5000%.

Okay, let’s get to it. Two tasks. Two people fired. A million and one laughs. Here’s what struck me most about this Celebrity Apprentice feast of epic proportions.

1. Look, Blue People Giving Away Free Money

The first project saw the teams tasked with…God, it feels so long ago I don’t even remember. Oh, right! They had to create a New York City guidebook and then go sell it and raise the most money. Something like that. Penn Jillette had the brilliant idea of having the Blue Men Group come down to make a big donation. And the Blue Man Group had the brilliant idea to not physically hand over the money, but rather to shoot it up into a balloon that would then pop, causing money to fly all over the streets of New York City. Now, I don’t know if you dear readers have ever been to New York City. It’s a lovely place. Historic monuments. World class museums. The bagels and pizza are simply to die for. But we New Yorkers are not the type to — well, how should I put this — refuse free money that happens to be laying on the ground. Doesn’t matter if it’s for charity. The universal rule of “finders keepers, losers weepers” is in full effect in this town.

NEXT: From Dog Pound to Dog Frown

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