Two celebrities are fired, and Aubrey walks off the show after being brutalized in the Boardroom
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Celebrity Apprentice Aubrey Oday
Credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC

I’m sorry, but when did Celebrity Apprentice become a freakin’ math class? And if it is a math class, allow me to say that every single one of these contestants appears to be failing — miserably. Lou Ferrigno has been talking all season about giving 110%. On the plus side, that shows someone willing to go all out. On the minus side…IT MAKES NO SENSE! Are Donald Trump Jr. and I the only people that understand this? Lou’s claims of 110% effort have been extra dubious not just due to the inherent mathematical impossibility, but due to the fact that he appears to not actually be working that hard at all.

And lately, we’ve seen this disease of inaccurate percentiles spread like wildfire. Last week it was the always delightful and demure Aubrey O’Day who — while seeking to upstage Ferrigno — claimed she gave 150% in the task (although she later came off as something of a slacker when she bragged about putting only “110% into every task” — clearly 40% below optimum performance level). Lou was back to his old tricks again this week, randomly barking out the words “110%” ad nauseam as if he was suffering from a sudden bout of some rare, previously undiagnosed form of numerical Tourette’s. When asked by Don Jr. who was not giving 110%, Lou called out Dee Snider. What? Am I to believe Dee Snider is only giving 100%? How dare he?!?

Dee, however, insisted that Lou’s version of 110% merely equaled his version of 50%. What does this mean? Is Dee telling us he’s only giving 50% or that Lou is only giving 50%? And if Lou insinuated that Dee was only giving 100%, does that mean that Dee is only actually giving 45%? Hold on, now Lou is telling Trump that he should not be fired because “I stepped up to the plate and gave it all to make sure the whole team would give 110%.” But, wait, you just said Dee didn’t give 110%. And Dee told us he only gave 50%. And hold on yet again because now Dee is telling Trump that the team did not give 110% but actually gave 120%. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? I’M SO CONFUSED! I’M LIKE ROD BLAGOJEVICH TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A LAPTOP! NOTHING MAKES SENSE!

And when it comes to fuzzy math, that’s not all. It seems the entire NBC network has also gotten its numbers mixed up, for instead of airing the usual two hour edition of Celebrity Apprentice, the network decided to give us…150%!!! That’s right, a special three-hour edition of the show! But wait, not even that is correct, because tonight’s three-hour episode was actually two two-hour episodes condensed together, meaning we were actually operating at only 75% of our regular Celebrity Apprentice capacity per challenge/Boardroom. What kind of Dee Snider sub-110% crap is that?!? By the way, anyone else’s head hurt right about now? It’s all your fault, Ferrigno! I blame you…5000%.

Okay, let’s get to it. Two tasks. Two people fired. A million and one laughs. Here’s what struck me most about this Celebrity Apprentice feast of epic proportions.

1. Look, Blue People Giving Away Free Money

The first project saw the teams tasked with…God, it feels so long ago I don’t even remember. Oh, right! They had to create a New York City guidebook and then go sell it and raise the most money. Something like that. Penn Jillette had the brilliant idea of having the Blue Men Group come down to make a big donation. And the Blue Man Group had the brilliant idea to not physically hand over the money, but rather to shoot it up into a balloon that would then pop, causing money to fly all over the streets of New York City. Now, I don’t know if you dear readers have ever been to New York City. It’s a lovely place. Historic monuments. World class museums. The bagels and pizza are simply to die for. But we New Yorkers are not the type to — well, how should I put this — refuse free money that happens to be laying on the ground. Doesn’t matter if it’s for charity. The universal rule of “finders keepers, losers weepers” is in full effect in this town.

NEXT: From Dog Pound to Dog FrownThat’s why it was so hilarious to see this elaborate sidewalk show go absolutely haywire when the balloon popped, releasing $8,000 and igniting a mad rush of curious onlookers to fill their pockets, bras, and — according to Clay Aiken — butt cracks with cash. It seems Mr. Aiken was also achin’ after getting into some minor scuffles while protecting the cash. Why so fancy with the cash delivery, Blue Man Group? Just hand them the envelope! Make it a blue envelope! Take back the color blue from those pesky upstart Smurfs! I don’t care. But hand them a damn envelope!

“It was a disaster,” Clay fumed later in the Boardroom. “It was a horrible idea.” Clay then continued to express his outrage by continuing the fuzzy math theme of the week by somehow insisting that he knew the team only recovered $2,000 of the $8,000 BMG money. (That’s 25% for you playing along at home, or 55.5% in Lou Ferrigno terms.) That could have been a killer for the men considering the difference between winning and losing was a mere $14, in which case team Unanimous would have been seeing red for not seeing enough of the green from the men of blue.

2. The Check is in the Mail

Trying to find someone — anyone! — to donate some money to the team, Arsenio called on his old late night rival Jay Leno. The man who once famously boasted (on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, no less) “I’m going to kick Leno’s ass,” was now ready to kiss Leno’s ass. (Arsenio also wrote a fascinating 1992 letter to EW explaining his adversarial relationship with Leno, which includes both the words “racist” and “insulting.” It’s a must read.) Apparently, bygones are bygones because now Leno tells his former Dog Pound nemesis he’s sending him a blank check. “Don’t go crazy,” the only man on Earth with a chin more prominent than my own tells Arsenio.

Even though we were treated to several shots of Arsenio waiting nervously for said blank check to arrive the next day, I figured this was just another classic Celebrity Apprentice ruse. 110% percent of all Celebrity Apprentice fundraising tasks feature a celeb nervously sweating out a big donor, who always arrives with mere minutes left on the clock. Not this time! The check indeed came, but too late. Actually, the problem was that the check came too early — before Arsenio’s office opened, so it was stuck on a FedEx truck. (It seems whenever it comes to Jay Leno, my man Arsenio just can’t catch a break.) In any event, kudos to the show for actually following its own rules. I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

3. The Mouth That Roared…And Cursed Up a Storm

“In front of millions of people, I suffered with her fresh mouth.” That’s a pretty incredible Donald Trump quote about Lisa Lampanelli when taken out of context — which is precisely the way I prefer to take all my quotes. The Queen of Mean was in rare form this evening, railing against anyone she deemed unworthy. Lisa’s piece de resistance was yelling “Shut up!” over and over at Dayana, who was merely suggesting an addition to their NYC booklet. “I am sick of this pressure from women who all they do is look in a f—ing mirror,” said Double L. “F— you! Develop a talent and a brain and then maybe the world will take you seriously.” I’d like to go on record as stating that is completely uncalled for and disrespectful. Annnnnnnd kind of funny. More please!

NEXT: Teresa and Debbie argue about their boobsIn the second task, after the teams were switched up, Lisa considered herself the only competent person on site (at least after Penn ran for the border for a gig in Toronto). Although I can’t say I appreciated her suggestion to Dayana that she ditch the bikini for a one-piece bathing suit. “Lisa, I don’t have a one piece bathing suit,” responded Dayana. “All I wear are thongs.” I think I speak for men everywhere when I say…LET HER WEAR THE DAMN THONG! And while Lisa was certainly less explosive in task No. 2, she still had the cojones to say “It’s going to be so sad when he goes home tomorrow” to a camera about Lou Ferrigno — with Lou Ferrigno standing right behind her. (Yes, he’s legally deaf, but still.) Some people may say this behavior is abhorrent. I say — it’s Lisa Lampanelli! What did you expect? Have you seen her act? No? Well, you have now.

4. The Jersey Housewife Flips Out — FINALLY!

Welcome to the show, Teresa Giudice! Teresa was cast on this program for two reasons and two reasons only: She flipped a table on national television, and fellow Bravo Housewife Nene raised hell on last year’s Celebrity Apprentice. Clearly, producers were hoping for more of that from Teresa, but Giudice has seemed both timid and intimidated. However, as she showed on Bravo, Teresa does have a boiling point, and she reached it when Debbie Gibson critiqued her in the Boardroom for poor organization as Project Manager. “Are you kidding me?!?” she yelled 318 times while slapping the Boardroom table. (Not even The Incredible Hulk himself, Lou Ferrigno, could flip that table no matter what percent effort he gave.)

But this was just an appetizer. The main course came a moment later after Debbie commented that Teresa “doesn’t like anyone that speaks out against her. It’s not professional.” This caused Teresa’s top to blow. “Look what you’re wearing,” she screamed. “Are you professional? Your t— are hanging out. Are you professional? We’re on Celebrity Apprentice. You don’t dress like that.” Ummm, Teresa, I don’t know how to tell you this, but that is exactly how you dress on Celebrity Apprentice. Have you even seen the show? It’s not exactly Downton Freakin’ Abbey. Hell, last season one person actually got in trouble for not putting a fellow contestant (Playboy Playmate Hope Dworaczyk) in a bikini for a project. This is Donald Trump we’re talking about. You think he doesn’t like to look at t—?!?

Plus, beyond all that, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my entire life from sitting in front of the television set, it is this: You don’t take fashion advice from Teresa Giudice. Lost in all of Teresa’s huffing and puffing was Debbie’s well-tuned retort: “I’m here. I’m authentic. And I feel great.” That “authentic” bit is a not-so-subtle stab at Teresa’s less than authentic t—. In the end, Teresa brought back Debbie and Dayana (whose contract clearly stipulates that she is brought back into the Boardroom on every single task), and Debbie was fired — after Trump said he might have fired lowest earner Aubrey had she been brought back instead, although we all know that is a bunch of Hong Kong Phooey. Debbie refused to give Teresa a goodbye hug on the way out, although that may have been simply because her t— would have gotten in the way.

NEXT: No more Mr. Nice Guy for Arsenio

5. Arsenio shows Teresa How to Really Flip Out

The second Arsenio Hall said, “Thank God I don’t have to be on a team with her. I don’t want no part of Aubrey. Keep her over in that other room. Lock the door and throw away the key,” you just knew the teams would be realigned with those two together. You knew it! And sure enough, with the women down three members, Donald shook up the squads — sending Teresa and Aubrey to Unanimous and Lou, Dee and Penn over to Forte. (Yes, that is the first time I ever bothered to actually learn the real team names.)

The second task was to create a live interactive health segment to promote the “Walk with Wall Mart Walgreens” program. Aubrey took this segment very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that she walked right off the show!!! This was after being on the receiving end of a brutal tongue-lashing by Arsenio in the Boardroom. What could possibly cause mild mannered Arsenio to so thoroughly lose his cool (although some may argue Arsenio lost his “cool” sometime in the last millennium)? Maybe it was when she was coming up with themes for everyone’s photos on the display box and said “Arsenio, you could be the person who took a walk away from the industry for a while.” (Ouch!) Maybe it was when she kept insisting he use a certain photo on the box instead of the one he — as Project Manager — preferred (although it should be noted that Aubrey was totally correct that the photos needed to all match for proper symmetry). Or maybe it was when she commented on the photo that, “I know it might be a harsh reality but those wrinkles really did happen to your face.” (Well, Arsenio didn’t even hear that last one, but I was plenty offended enough for him.)

No doubt all this enraged the man, but what finally caused Mt. Arsenio to blow was when Aubrey took credit for writing the quotes on the box. “You didn’t write mine!” Arsenio fumed. He then went on and on about what a horrible human being Aubrey is. The best part of the entire ordeal was seeing how innocent and hurt and confused Aubrey acted while being called out relentlessly for her me-first attitude. Who, meeeeeeeeeeeee?

And then Aubrey, so adept at dishing it out, finally felt what it was like to be on the receiving end. And she didn’t like it one bit. The tough broad with the Ronald McDonald hair wasn’t tough enough to stick around after learning that their team had won the task. She went straight for the elevator instead of joining her team back in the suite. Of course, the only thing Aubrey dislikes more than being yelled at is not having three cameras on her at all times, so I am fairly confident she will be back next week.

The Arsenio-Aubrey confrontation — which culminated with Arsenio telling his teammates that Donald Trump was not going “to take his banner and put it on her stank ass” — was so wonderful and fabulous in every way that the Lou and Dee argument over percentages that followed couldn’t help but be a little anticlimactic, even after Dee was fired. Dee seems like a cool guy who was neither incompetent enough to be fired early nor dynamic enough to make it to the end. He was a classic mid-game firee. And there were indeed a few other classic moments worth touching on from this last episode in our Quick Hits section.

NEXT: What year was this show filmed anyway?

QUICK HITS

• Unless you’ve picked up some nasty venereal diseases after hooking up with skanky heavy metal groupies, scratching and itching are really not things one should do in public while walking. Dee pretty much deserved to get fired for putting those words on his ugly box and banner.

• Quote of the night, from Donald Trump: “Dee, you’re fired. And you are going to be big. Bigger than ever before!” Umm, I can pretty much guarantee that will not be the case. Unless you can persuade Neidermeyer to come out retirement for another Twisted Sister video. Even then, no.

• But the absolute best thing about Dee’s firing — and the entire episode, for that matter — is that while he was giving his final words from the back seat of the town car, we were treated to a shot of the car driving down the streets of Manhattan, and what does the car happen to pass under, but a huge billboard for…The Tourist. The Tourist? I’m sorry, but is this town car secretly a DeLoreon being driven by Dr. Emmett Brown? Should I cue the Huey Lewis and start calling myself Calvin Klein? Because we definitely have traveled back in time if there are advertisements for The Tourist, a movie that came out in the year 2010. I’m guessing producers pulled a shot from a previous season and simply reused it. Or McFly is still trying to get his hands on Biff’s Gray’s Sports Almanac.

• Speaking of time travel, is it just me or was team Forte’s graphic designer for the Walgreen’s challenge none other than circa-1998 Marilyn Manson? Times must be tough, people. Perhaps Marilyn simply decided to pull an Arsenio and take a walk away from the industry for a while.

• I am relatively confident that Eric Trump is single-handedly keeping the hair gel industry afloat.

• It may have been a full month after he was fired, but Michael Andretti finally contributed something to the men’s team, showing up for the NYC book task and making a $20,000 contribution. Better late than never.

• I can’t help but find it ironic that Penn’s partner Teller, a man who has never uttered a single sound in public, showed up to make his book contribution wearing ear plugs. Then again, if I worked with Penn, I might keep a pair of ear plugs on hand too, just in case.

And so another week of Celebrity Apprentice mayhem and madness comes to a close. Now it is your turn to weigh in. Sad to see Debbie and Dee go? Hoping Aubrey returns or is never heard from again? And is The Tourist really as horrible as everyone tells me it is? Hit the message boards to let us know, and for more reality ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

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The Celebrity Apprentice
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