The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Treasure the Insanity

I didn’t think Celebrity Apprentice could get any more ludicrous than Gene Simmons repeating “It’s a Kodak world” ad nauseam back in season 1. But I was wrong. When Vincent Pastore engineered — and then aborted — a mafia-like “rat” scheme that same year, I was positive that was the height of absurdity. But I was wrong. When, in season 2, country superstar Clint Black made an advertisement insinuating that he used detergent to masturbate — and let’s just repeat that for emphasis: country superstar Clint Black made an advertisement insinuating that he used detergent to masturbate — I was sure we’d never see anything as ridiculous ever again. But I was wrong. When Rod Blagojevich showed up in season 3 and attempted to master the complexities of Microsoft Word, I was convinced that nothing could get any dumber that that. But I was wrong.

Because let’s turn our attention to Hope Dworaczyk. Yes, I had to just Google her last name. Seeing as how I am not a regular reader of Playboy, I was unfamiliar with her… ahem, assets. And to say she has made no impression whatsoever through five weeks of Celebrity Apprentice would be the understatement of the century — if Hope could even figure out what century this is! We know why she was cast on the show: Trump always has a lingerie model or Playboy bunny on hand every season. But why is she still there? She’s clearly done nothing and, even worse, she’s boring! Why in the name of cluck, cluck, splash has Trump kept her around all these weeks?

Now we know. The Trumpster knew there was an Australian Gold sunscreen challenge coming up in week 6 and damn if he was going to get rid of his buxom beauty before she stripped down to her skivvies! Whoever was Project Manager wouldn’t be able to resist getting the Playmate of the Year in a bikini to sell some sunscreen. Hell, it’s not like she would refuse. A bikini is overdressed for her! It was only a matter of time before Hope’s girls came out to play. I knew it. You knew it. Even Meat Loaf knew it. “We’re just fighting cleavage with cleavage,” said Mr. Loaf about the men’s attempt to combat Hope’s boobs by hiring their own scantily clad beauties.

There’s just one person who didn’t realize this: La Toya Jackson. Instead of allowing an eager —maybe too eager, actually — Hope to get naked and draw in horny tourists to their sunscreen display, La Toya insisted on hiring a model — a model who is not the Playmate of the Year, I’d like to add — instead, so Hope could stand around playing volleyball IN HER CLOTHES! What made this even more odd is that you would think that La Toya — herself appearing to be in possession of some purchased breasts —of all people would appreciate the power of ginormous gazongas.

This led to perhaps the funniest moment of the entire episode, with the female Australian Gold executive commenting that, “It was a disappointment that Hope was wearing a jacket.” In essence: forget feminism, family values, and age-appropriate decency — we want that chick that poses nude for Hugh Hefner taking all of her clothes off…and preferably straddling a Koala bear if at all possible. “Being a Playmate of the Year, we thought this would be great opportunity for her to be front and center there drawing a crowd,” said the exec in what had to be one of the most humiliating things to ever come out of her mouth.

No wonder she apparently wasn’t offended by Gary Busey’s lewd comments concerning her lotion, which conveniently brings us to…the Five Most Awesomely Absurd Celebrity Apprentice Moments of the Week!

NEXT: Gary Busey feels “sexual”

1. Gary Busey: Captain Inappropriate

After the teams were tasked with coming up with a display for Australian Gold sunscreens and body lotion, the executives visited both the men and the women to answer any questions and impart some wisdom about the product. As one of the female execs was talking about the lotion and how much “teenage boys love it,” Busey chimed in: “It gives you a sexual feeling.” Okay, I’m going to give Busey the benefit of the doubt here and assume that it was the lotion, not the teenage boys that give Gary a “sexual feeling,” but that’s still pretty gnarly. What exactly are you doing with that lotion, Gary? (And would you like some detergent while you’re at it?) You know what? Don’t answer that. In fact, the thought of you and lotion is now starting to freak me out a little, especially once Big Wednesday starts to enter the picture. So let’s just move on.

But Busey wasn’t done sabotaging his team with inappropriateness. When the execs then showed up to see team Backbone’s pirate display, Busey tore them away from Meat Loaf and ordered them to “Come with me, I have a parrot that wants to meet you.” Thankfully, he was not referring to Big Wednesday, but it was still trouble for the men’s team, as Gary essentially held the execs hostage, even pushing Project Manager Mark McGrath out of the way. Why was he so adamant about getting some face time with Australian Gold executives? It turns out Busey was angling for a job as a commercial spokesperson. Okay, just for posterity, here’s a partial list of people I would hire to be my company spokesperson before Gary Busey: Carrot Top, Kato Kaelin, Tonya Harding, Yahoo Serious (isn’t he Australian?), William Zabka, the ball of tumbleweed that blows through the deserted town in Hope Dworaczyk’s brain, Lobot, Randy Quaid’s wife, the San Diego Chicken, Johnny Bench, and the entire cast of The Baseball Bunch.

2. The Return of Two Foot Fred!

Due to my blow-by-blow reenactment of the Meat Loaf meltdown last week, I wasn’t able to devote enough space to Two Foot Fred, a dwarf who, from what I understand, was something of a mascot to John Rich’s country group, Big & Rich. (Honestly, I know so little about country music I thought Big & Rich was an oversized men’s clothing store before this season began.) I have to admit, his nickname does perplex me a little bit. I mean, he has two feet, just like the rest of us, so I’m not sure where the “Two Foot” moniker comes from. Does the “Two Foot” refer instead to his crutches that help him to walk, and if so, shouldn’t he then be “Four Foot Fred”? Is it for how tall he is? That would be accurate, but also kind of mean. After all, I wouldn’t be too psyched if everyone started calling me “Big Chin Ross.” (Some people do call me “Big D” which I never really got. I’m only 6-foot-2, which doesn’t seem outrageously tall, and I’m as scrawny and weak as they come. Nothing really “big” about me. Seriously, a strong breeze could bowl me right over right now. Maybe it’s one of those reverse psychology nicknames, like the huge, bald guy that is always called “Tiny.”)

Anyhoo, wouldn’t you know that Two Foot Fred was back this week, in full pirate gear and with creepy pirate accent to boot. Whether he stuck around to help his good friend, or John Rich’s other “hillbilly” friends punked him by taking off in the private jet without him, I don’t know. Regardless, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Two Foot Fred for Celebrity Apprentice 2012!

NEXT: Ivanka gives the ladies a much needed assist

3. La Toya Jackson: Visionary

While the men were busy coming up with a theme that had nothing to do with sunscreen, the women had no theme at all thanks to Project Manager La Toya Jackson. La Toya’s entire plan seemed to consist of driving out to Rockaway Beach under the cover of night, stealing all the sand (at least 6,000 pounds worth), and then hoping for the best. Whenever she was asked to describe her vision, it came down to one word “Fun!!”

“How should we design our 10 by 10 display box, La Toya?”

“Make it fun!”

“What’s our display theme, La Toya?”

“Make it fun!”

“Excuse me, La Toya, do you know what time it is?”

“Make it fun!”

La Toya’s complete lack of vision was on full display when she went to the builder to have her box constructed. “So, we’re building what?” she asked him. No, see that’s a question he should be asking you. “Whatever you want to build,” he replied, remarkably with a straight face. Then, La Toya started saying words like palm trees and koala bears without any sort of direction as to how they should be incorporated. “Just bear with me right now because I’m winging it.” In life, you mean?

4. Boardroom Dominatrix Ivanka tilts the scales

As always, Trump went to get debriefed by the executives to see whom they thought won the task. When pressed for a victor, the male executive responded, “This was one of the most difficult decisions we’ve had at Australian Gold.” My first reaction upon hearing this was: What kind of two-bit company are you running here? This is one of the most difficult decisions you’ve ever had at the company? Even more difficult than having to choose between a surfing koala and a drunken wallaby as your mascot? Damn, your company must be pretty damn boring.

But then I thought more about it. On one side they had a bunch of men dressed as pirates for no apparent reason — with one of said pirates insinuating he enjoyed using their lotion for questionable purposes. On the other, they had a team that had refused to grant their Playboy Playmate teammate the freedom to liberate herself from her clothes, a clear violation of her right to bare arms…and legs, and boobs. That is a hard decision.

Eventually, they chose the women, although was it fair? Ivanka was clearly seen counseling the women and telling La Toya to get more creative in her presentation, which led to the addition of phoney baloney snow to her display. But did Ivanka caution the men against their pirate theme, which was their ultimate undoing? No, she did not! Oh my God. Am I seriously getting worked up about fairness issues on Celebrity Apprentice? What the hell is wrong with me? This show is about as fair as Barry Bonds’ home run totals. Nothing about this competition is on the level. And that’s what makes it all the more incredible. You just need to embrace the lengths Trump and Co. go to in order to ensure that certain people stick around as long as possible. (Did I mention that Gary Busey is still competing?)

NEXT: NeNe pulls a no-no

5. NeNe blows a gasket

After the women had been declared victors but before Mark McGrath made a new friend in Adrian the elevator operator (surely the most happy Adrian has been since Selita Ebanks hit on him on her way out in season 3), NeNe lit into La Toya. Apparently, the Real Housewife was angry that La Toya had said that NeNe didn’t like her personally, and allow me to say, that is a really stupid reason to be angry at someone — especially when you don’t like them personally.

Let’s break down NeNe’s entire diatribe, line by line. “If you want to say anything, say I’m real because that’s what I am,” she began. Okay, she’s already starting off at a clear disadvantage. The problem here is that the more NeNe yells, the more she proves La Toya correct in her assessment that she doesn’t like her. I’m pretty positive this irony is completely lost on both yeller and yellee. “If you don’t like it then go in the bathroom and hide. Go and hide. Go and hide.” I’m guessing La Toya does actually spend a fair amount of time in the bathroom, but I always assumed that was to apply frightening amounts of make-up, which, in fairness, could be seen as a method of hiding oneself. I’m willing to concede that point to NeNe. “Don’t try to act like you are the reason that we won because you are not.” Okay, fair enough, I would not chalk this victory up to La Toya either. Another point for Mrs. Leakes. “I worked my ass off while you sat there looking like Casper the Ghost!” Holy moly, Casper the Ghost! Is she talking about the color of her skin? I think she’s talking about the color of her skin! As we all know, the Jacksons have had some issues in this department. This is getting kind of crazy. I wonder if Meat Loaf is going to wander in looking for his paints. “Let’s be clear. Let’s be clear, Casper. You’ve fooled a lot of people with this, but you have not fooled me. Be gone! Disappear, ghost!” Ohhhhhh, okay. The ghost thing is not about the color of her skin but rather how she’s never around. That’s certainly less offensive. Still harsh, but less offensive. “The only reason you’ve gotten this far is because of your last name.” Well, let’s be honest — NeNe’s on to something there. That one’s pretty hard to argue against. Have you heard “Heart Don’t Lie”? “And you’ve faked it for 50 years.” Jesus, how old is La Toya Jackson? “You are very old and you should act your age and not 12. You are an old lady.” Again, it is difficult to refute the frightening nature of La Toya’s fake breasts and repeated attempts to sexify her image.

So NeNe brought up some fair points, but was it really fair to bring them up? Of course not. She was being a big bully and we all know it. I have no doubt whatsoever La Toya is maddening to work with, but she is not malicious in any way and all she did was point out that NeNe didn’t like her, which NeNe herself just made perfectly clear. Another Celebrity Apprentice paradox. And another reason this is the one television show that needs to be seen to be believed. (And even then it’s still pretty damn hard to believe.) What was your favorite moment of the episode? And would you hire Gary Busey to be your corporate spokesman? Hit the message boards and let us know. And for more reality ramblings, follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. Until next week, Cluck, Cluck…Splash!