Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
March 26, 2012 at 06:00 AM EDT

Forget about Arsenio wearing a Trump tie and then inadvertently dissing it by saying “I just ran out of ties.” Pay no mind to the fact that Donald Jr. appeared to be using three less bottles of hair gel this week. Ignore those Claymates hanging out in the corner. Because the most shocking thing to come out of last night’s Celebrity Apprentice episode was the following revelation: Dee Snider has never been drunk or done drugs. That can’t be right. Are you telling me the lead singer of Twisted Sister was completely sober when he decided to dress up for decades on end as a heavy metal transvestite? Am I to believe that he was being completely truthful when he bragged on “One Bad Habit” that his only vice was that “I like to rock and roll”? (Incidentally, that may be the best song of all time for the following lyrics alone: “I’m not mean, I’m not rude/But just don’t make me lose patience, dude/I don’t curse, well, just a bit/Somehow ‘Gee Whiz’ and ‘Golly’ don’t make it.”) And are we absolutely sure he hadn’t downed a few brews when he showed up on last year’s Celebrity Apprentice yelling out “7UP Retro — keepin’ it reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaal?” I know I did while watching it!

I’ll admit it, I thought illegal substances may have been in play when Dee managed to break his finger while preparing for a Medieval Times performance, but apparently the only thing Dee Snider is high on is life in Trump Tower! Well, that and any pain medications he is currently on for his broken finger. However, the only potentially harmful drug we’re here to talk about today, ladies and gentlemen, is aspartame. Because this week’s Celebrity Apprentice forced the teams to shill for none other than everybody’s favorite low-calorie powdered beverage mix, Crystal Light.

The teams were tasked with throwing launch parties for non-alcoholic versions of two new Crystal Light beverages. At least I think they were. Honestly, I kind of lost interest after the words “non-alcoholic.” But the task itself was a heavyweight battle of the highest order, pitting perhaps the show’s two most competent contestants — Clay Aiken and Aubrey O’Day — against each other as Project Managers. It was sure to be a task filled with drama, intrigue, and shirtless mean playing limbo. Here are the highlights.

1. Clay Aiken: Beach Bum

Clay Aiken was my episode 1 pick to win it all, but this is the first time we got to see him in action as Project Manager. I have to say, I liked what I saw, and I’m not just referring to that crazy fur-lined overcoat Clay was rocking. (Yes, that just may be the first time Clay’s name and the word “rocking” have appeared in the same sentence.) The men’s peach-turned-beach theme was fantastic, if for no other reason than it forced the attendees into various half-naked states of undress. It also provided us the unmitigated joy of watching Lou Ferrigno and that dude with the handlebar mustache trying to figure out how to open mini cocktail umbrellas.

Clay pulled out all the stops — Sand! Tiki bars! Juggling! — and even got Kathie Lee and Hoda to show up (although they no doubt bolted out of there as fast as possible once they realized the beverages contained no alcohol). The Project Manager saved his best for last, belting out a little “Under the Boardwalk.” But Clay didn’t sing it alone. All his teammates joined in. As did all the partygoers. In fact, the only person who didn’t sing along was Melanie the frighteningly tall Crystal Light executive, who seemed to be completely clueless as to the lyrics. How can you not know the lyrics to “Under the Boardwalk”? In her defense, she was probably too busy daydreaming up more absurd marketing slogans like “Our brand personality is sassy!” and “It is literally a party in a pack!”

NEXT: Crystal Light — The Debbie Gibson Megamix!

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