The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Camping Gone Crazy
Gary Busey takes on the great outdoors — and the English language — in a special RV-themed challenge
Gary Busey has his own language. I’m not referring to his constant stream of crazy talk. I’m talking about his own entire language! And in Busey speak, every word is merely an acronym for its own definition. For instance, you may have thought the word “lucky” meant occurring by chance. But you would be sadly mistaken, you unenlightened piece of illiterate trash! You see, you are now reading from the book of Busey. You must unlearn what you have learned. Lucky actually means “Living Under Correct Knowledge Yearly.” A duhhhhhhhhhh! And “freedom”? You probably assumed that meant the power to act or speak without restraints. Wrong! Freedom is “Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Out Miracles.” It’s simple Busey 101, people. Get with the program! Or should I say get with the “team”, because “Together Everyone Achieves More.”
Once you’re fluent in Busey speak, it becomes abundantly clear that we are talking about a real “Lifestyle Under No Absolute True Insecurity Complex.” Seriously, make no mistake about it — Gary Busey is truly “Instant Nobility So Anyone Nods Encouragement.” Got it? Good. Because I just spent 20 minutes composing those last few sentences and I can’t freakin’ take it anymore. Let’s move right along to what we’ve all been waiting for — The Five Celebrity Apprentice Absurdities of the week
1. What the %#&@ is Gary Busey talking about?
We’ve already established that Gary Busey has his own language. Apparently, that language also includes lots of nonsensical double speak meant to confuse and disorient the enemy. After being told by Meat Loaf — or “Meat” as he’s known to friends and family — that he loses focus, Gary came back with this delectable gem: “Don’t tell me what I’m not doing when I’m doing what you don’t think I’m doing.” There are so many things out of place with this reply that I honestly don’t know how or where to begin.
However my confusion paled in comparison to that of the Camping World CEO after Busey was named Project Manager of a task in which the teams were told to create RV displays in the middle of New York City. Breaking from the pack and approaching the CEO, Busey extended his hand as well as a few nuggets of Busey wisdom. “Now I know nothing is free,” he began, “but my heart to your heart is free.” Obviously rattled, all the CEO could manage back as an “okay.” “You hear that?” Busey pressed. “I heard it,” quivered the CEO, clearly wanting to find the closest RV possible in which to go and hide.
Later, while shopping at a Camping World outlet store for items to stock the RV with, Busey pulled out some walkie-talkies. John Rich wasn’t sure they were needed. “I think they should be used to be looked at to be usable,” explained Busey. Oh, well, of course then! That makes perfect sense. Let’s get two!
NEXT: Who loves Star Jones? Star Jones!
2. What the %#&@ is Star Jones talking about?
Since no one feels like saying anything nice about Star Jones, Star Jones has come up with the perfect solution: Now Star Jones will say nice things about Star Jones! The same woman who patted herself on the back for setting a good example and “showing America that women could work together, not be catty, and accomplish that goal” while simultaneously bullying Lisa Rinna was now busy informing us that “people who know me would say that I am the loyalist friend they have. I am a great friend.” Annnnnnd, how many friends do you have exactly, Star? Later, Star went even further, claiming that, “I want to be known as a person who solves problems, rather than a person that creates problems. And you may write that down.” Thanks, Star! I just did! Although it’s a miracle my keyboard worked at all considering the amount of Milwaukee’s Best I just spat all over it from bursting out laughing while typing it.
Of course, my absolute favorite was Star talking about how Niki Taylor was “pure class” for basically firing herself in the Boardroom after the women’s team lost. Because if there’s one thing Star knows, it’s class. After all, this is a woman who not only received free invitations, tuxedos, and bridesmaids’ gowns for her wedding in exchange for promoting the items, but also signed up Continental as the “official airline of our wedding weekend.” Classy like my man Freddie Blassie!
3. Jose Canseco and Ivanka Trump reenacting a porn scene in the back of his RV
How equal parts awkward and awesome was this? Ivanka walked into the pimped-out $200,000 luxury RV to check on team Backbone’s progress and instead found Jose Conseco sprawled out on the couch with his shirt unbuttoned. Did he jump up and compose himself? Hell to the no! He just sat there as if waiting for her to plop down next to him, leading to an uncomfortable silence no doubt fueled by a sexual tension you could cut with a knife. Not that I…uh…would know about such things, but I’m pretty sure this was the exact opening scene to about a million different porn films. I half expected the conversation to continue as follows:
Jose: “Well, hello there. Are you here to give your inspection?”
Ivanka: “Why yes, I am. And I have to tell you, the size of your RV is impressive, but size isn’t everything.”
Jose: “Really? Some would beg to differ.”
Ivanka: “I’d like to see how everything works. Why don’t you get off that couch and open my tent?
Jose: “I would love to open your tent, young lady, but I need to ask you something first: What happens to your tent when it gets…wet?
Ivanka: “Well, I don’t know. It’s never gotten wet before.”
Jose: “I see.”
Ivanka “Perhaps we could find out together.”
Jose: “Perhaps we could. Let me just ask Mark McGrath if I can borrow a condom so we can get down to business and…”
Ivanka: “Wait, what?” [Insert record scratching noise here.]
Ivanka: “What are you talking about?”
Jose: “What are you talking about?”
Ivanka: “I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing.”
Jose: “Are you talking about me tapping a billionaire’s daughter in the middle of Madison Square Park, because that’s what I’m talking about.”
Ivanka: “Ewwwww. Gross. I’m married. I’m just here to make sure you guys know what you’re doing with all the equipment.”
Jose: “Oh, believe me, I know how to handle the equipment.”
Ivanka: “Seriously, stop that right now.”
Jose: “What? We’re in a luxury RV. Didn’t Bret Michaels tell you all about the Tour Bus Thrust? Ivanka…Ivanka, wait!”
NEXT: Trump keeps tabs on Marlee Matlin’s sex life
4. What century is it again?
Let me be clear about one thing. Niki Taylor seems like one of the sweetest, most grounded people you’ll ever meet. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY SHE HAS NO BUSINESS BEING ON CELEBRITY APPRENTICE! This show is for nutjobs, egomaniacs, convicted felons (whattup, Hatch?), and country music stars in big cowboy hats. A pleasant simple lady like Niki never belonged here and she did the right thing in bowing out. Niki, I’d love to have dinner with you sometime, but get the hell off my crazy TV show! However, that’s not to say she didn’t provide some unintentional comedy on her way out the door.
Niki came up with a catchy “camping in the 21st century theme.” Just one problem: She wasn’t entirely sure what century it was. While in the van, she and fellow brainless model Hope Whateverherlastnameis couldn’t figure out of it was the 20th or 21st century and had to consult Google for the correct answer. “So this is the 21st century for 100 years!” Hope exclaimed. Yep, that’s how centuries tend to work. You thought that would be the end of it, but then, while giving prospective Camping World consumers a tour of their RVs, Niki repeatedly kept referring to it as the “20th century Camping World experience,” thereby setting both the calendar and the entire women’s movement back 100 years.
5. Everyone talking about Marlee Matlin’s sexual habits
I’m not sure anything will ever beat the interaction between The Donald and Marlee Matlin last week when Trump questioned how she could not know that singer Dionne Warwick was a legend and she responded, “Well, I’m deaf.” However, this came close. Star got the party started by attempting to compliment Marlee’s RV decorating ability. “She’s a demon when it comes to the bedroom,” exclaimed Star. Of course, there was no way that was getting by the big guy. “I’ve heard that before Marlee, in a very positive way,” Donald responded. I think it was the “in a very positive way” addendum that creeped me out so much.
And what exactly does that mean anyway? Does Trump regularly have discussions about Marlee Matlin’s sex life? When did he become privy to discussions about the sexual prowess of a 1987 Academy Award winner? And who the hell is it that is filling him in anyway — Jose Canseco? Making matters even more awkward was Ivanka chiming in, “Just not from women.” Ivanka is clearly unfamiliar with Matlin’s work on The L Word. As someone who watched The L Word, allow me to say that may be for the best.
So we’re left with this in the end: Niki refusing to pass the blame and allowing herself to be fired, Gary and Lil John arguing over whose feelings were hurt most, Meat Loaf looking hilarious running with a guitar, and we still have almost 89 more years to go until the 22nd century. Just think about how many more Celebrity Apprentice episodes we’ll get to enjoy between now and then. In the meantime, for more reality ramblings you can follow me on Twitter @EWDaltonRoss. I’ll see ya next week. Cluck, Cluck…Splash!