The Celebrity Apprentice recap: 'It's Like a Booze Cruise With Knowledge'
“I’m here to learn from you. And I’m not done learning from you, and I don’t want to go home. I admire you and your family. You guys really are the first family of America.” —Kenya Moore to Donald Trump
She’s right, you know. The Trumps truly are America’s First Family. Or at least they should be. Can you imagine Trump America Inc.? It would be incredible. Everyone would have orange skin, Ivanka’s face would be on the $100 bill—sorry, Eric, you only get the $5—and all conversations would consist of people just boasting about their accomplishments and embellishing them to unprecedented levels without fear of reprisals because any and all fact-checkers would be locked up in a dungeon somewhere surviving only on Trump Water™. Sign me up for that paradise. Because in that paradise, episodes of Celebrity Apprentice run on a continuous loop… on all TV channels! Much like Hooters girls on a Sig Hansen party cruise, it is simply inescapable. Of course, in this lame-ass thing we call “reality” we only get two hours every Monday night, so let’s go ahead and recap those with the nine most awesome and absurd Celebrity Apprentice moments of the week.
1. The Love Boat
As soon as Trump announced that the first task would be to make a themed Circle Line party cruise, you couldn’t help but assume two things were going to happen: That Captain Sig Hansen would have to (finally) step up as Project Manager, and that Sig Hanson would lose the task. We’ve seen this happen time and time again when someone loses in his or her area of expertise, going back to season 2 when poker player Annie Duke wrote a catchier Chicken of the Sea jingle than professional musician Clint Black. (You can judge for yourself by clicking on the links above.)
Sig indeed did become PM, and then they settled on the theme of “Sexiest Catch.” Which makes absolute sense, because when people think sexy, they think Sig Hansen, Geraldo Rivera, and Kate Gosselin. But then Sig decided to sexify his boat even more by bringing in some ringers—specifically, Hooters waitresses. It was actually mildly frightening how excited Geraldo got when Sig brought up the possibility of bringing in the Hooters girls. In fact, in one of the most unfortunate phrases of our time, Geraldo proclaimed that, “We’d like to Hooters up this whole vessel!” Apparently, “Hootersing up this whole vessel” meant lots of tight camera shots on cleavage and butts while Sig nonsensically ran up to the female customers like a rabid dog barking, “So you like the eye candy? Is that all right? You like that?”
Aw, I shouldn’t dis the Hooters girls so much. After all, it did lead to this brilliant Q&A session between Geraldo and one of the artificially enhanced waitresses:
GERALDO: “What’s your favorite thing about working for Hooters?’
HOOTERS WAITRESS: “Uh, making people happy.”
GERALDO: “Ah, you’re making us happy. Why are you in such a sexy outfit?”
First off, “Why are you in such a sexy outfit?” is the most amazing follow-up question I have ever heard in my life. That’s 40 years of journalism that lead to that probing, hard-hitting follow-up, ladies and gentlemen. Also, how high exactly does the Creepy Meter go when a guy three times your age looks you up and down and says “You’re making us happy!”? Just wondering.
Also, I’m getting slightly off-topic here, but were you aware that Hooters has a “Hooters Girls Hall of Fame”? Not only that, but three-time Survivor contestant Jerri Matheny is a member of said Hall of Fame, with the website proclaiming that “this bombshell began her starlet career as a Hooters Girl in the early ‘90s. Jerri opened up the Hooters of Hunstville, AL in 1991 and later donned the Orange Shorts in Oklahoma City before moving on to pursue an acting career.” So, you know, clearly some important information I just gave you there. Oh, also, I feel it is imperative at this time to point out that the “Want to Be a Hooters Girl?” video has a snappy little jingle which instructs you to “Get on up, and get on down to Hooters,” which, if I am interpreting that correctly, is permission—nay, encouragement—to get an erection and then immediately visit one of their fine establishments.
2. The Brandi Glanville Line of the Night
“I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her and I can’t even pick that bitch up.” —Brandi on Kenya
3. Kenya Moore’s Singing Career (and we use that term loosely)
Over on the Infinity boat, Kenya Moore had a suggestion for the entertainment: “You know what? I can always sing my song if you want.” Hold on, Kenya Moore has a song? As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a Real Housewives guy so this was news to me. Naturally I had to Google this, and really, really wish I hadn’t because it led me to one of the most disturbing and confusing music videos I have ever seen. The important thing is: YES! Kenya Moore has a song. It’s called “Gone With the Wind Fabulous,” and Kenya indeed performed it on a boat out on the Hudson River. An ingenious and diabolical move if ever there was one because it ensured everyone was trapped and could not escape. In essence, Kenya’s singing acts as the polar opposite of the Sirens in The Odyssey, whose voices are so irresistibly sweet they lead sailors to their doom—the only commonality being that when in close proximity to either Kenya or the Sirens, it is advisable to plug your ears with beeswax so nary a note makes it through.
But why talk about Kenya’s voice when we can talk about the lyrics instead? Let me hit you with some of the super-deep words which showcase both an emotional maturity and a thoughtful take on the complexities of modern society that frankly we weren’t sure Kenya was capable of expressing:
“Gone With the Wind” Fabulous verse #1
“You say I’m fake, I say I’m fabulous
You say I’m old, I say I’m fabulous
You say I’m ghetto, I say I’m fabulous
You say I’m crazy, I say I’m fabulous”
At this point I’m pretty sure whatever you “say” about Kenya Moore, I am relatively confident I can predict what her response will be. Unfortunately, the song is not over at that point. We then proceed to what I have to assume is the… chorus?
“Gone With the Wind” Fabulous chorus
“I’m gone with the wind fabulous
I’m gone with the wind fabulous
I’m gone with the wind fabulous
I’m gone with the wind fabulous”
Again, a bit on the repetitive side, but I guess the woman has a point she wants to really hammer home here. Oh, wait! Here comes the bridge:
“Gone With the Wind Fabulous” bridge
To be clear, she is not just twirling here. She is literally saying the word twirl as she is twirling, just in case there is any confusion as to what she is doing by spinning around in a circle. Evidently, all that twirling made her a tad dizzy because the next thing we knew, Kenya was writhing and grinding on the ship’s deck while mothers held hands over little girls’ eyes. I should have covered mine as well. AND YET I COULD NOT LOOK AWAY!
Congratulations, Kenya. You did the unthinkable and made Johnny Damon’s boy band seem like a totally rock solid musical option by comparison.
NEXT: Sig Loses His Cool (About Time!)
4. Geraldo Rivera vs. Al-Qaeda
I want Geraldo Rivera to narrate everything. Because when he is invariably hosting or emceeing every single event that his team does on this show, he makes even the tiniest details sound super dramatic. So clearly he would be a natural for a Circle Line tour to the State of Liberty and Ellis Island. “The Jews, the Italians, the Irish,” he marveled at one point, “coming here in their majestic legion!” Amazing.
But there’s also something about Geraldo that is always just a little bit off. Like, say, when he pointed out the new Freedom Tower in lower Manhattan and proclaimed, “New York is back! Screw the terrorists! We won!” Screw the terrorists? I mean, I’m not against the sentiment, but during a history cruise for tourists eating snacks delivered by Hooters girls? Yeah, take that, terrorists! You can never take away my freedom to eat buffalo shrimp served by women wearing shorts so tight half the polyester is up their anus! USA! USA! USA!
Of course, none of this was as disturbing as when during the second task Geraldo inquired, “Did anybody find my pants?” Or when he said that, “I saw my role really as kind of lubricating in every sense the experience people had.” Allow me to use this opportunity to state unequivocally for the record than never, ever again in my entire life do I want to hear about Geraldo Rivera and lubrication. That’s just totally off-limits as far as I’m concerned.
But one thing I do want to discuss about Geraldo: Has any contestant ever lost more than this guy? He’s now been on the losing side six out of nine times, yet not once has come close to being fired. No wonder Leeza calls him the “Teflon man.”
5. Sig Morphs Into an Angry Bruce Banner
Look, let’s just call it out: With the sole exception of the time he informed Donald Trump he could not find his own penis, Sig Hansen has been something of a dud this season. He just hangs out in the background, doesn’t say or do a whole lot, and that’s about it. But once you get homeslice off of land and on the water, he full-on loses it! Which leads me to one inevitable conclusion: This entire season should have been Celebrity Apprentice At Sea.
Sig was pissed because his two bartenders—yes, the same ones which Geraldo said “I like the look of these dudes” to before shaking their hands while his pants were completely unzipped—were super-late. I know Sig was pissed because he kept telling us how pissed he was… or, at least how he was on the road to being pissed, even though he had already clearly reached his destination of Pissedoffania. “HEY!” he yelled while slamming his fist on the bar and gesturing wildly with his hands as if he was some sort of Jack Jason wannabe. “I’m gonna f—ing get mad. I’m gonna get really f—ing pissed. Will you grab those and…” BAM! Another slap on the bar… “take them down there please?! GO! Either take them or get the f— off the boat!” If I had been those dudes, I would have gotten the f— off the boat.
6. Killing With Kindness
So Sig, as predicted, lost the task, and then got fired by Trump (after DT had scored all the phone numbers of all the Hooters waitresses, that is.) And then it was time for our favorite part of every week: when Trump fires someone while simultaneously praising how incredible he/she is. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Donald Trump firing Sig Hansen:
“My problem is, Kate, that I really like Sig. I really like him. But I have no choice. Sig, you’re fired. Thank you. And I’m giving you $25,000 for the Coast Guard. I think they’re incredible. Get out of here. Thank you. Go ahead, everybody. Thank you.”
No, thank YOU.
7. Mystery Money
After Donald Trump told us how awesome his Trump International Hotel and Tower was—“One of the great hotels of the world and the number one hotel in New York City. I’m very proud of it. Everybody loves it. It’s been a hit from day 1.”—he then proceeded to tell us how awesome his Trump National Doral hotel was: “It’s hot as a pistol. It takes over Miami, and Miami is a hot place.”
For once, however, this boasting was not apropos of nothing. Instead, the second task of the night was to create an interactive themed environment promoting the Doral. And the winners would receive… we have no idea! This marked the second project of the night in which Trump refused to disclose how much money the task was worth. People, this is a scandal of major proportions. Why is everyone so wrapped up with this whole Deflategate thing and completely ignoring this? Just because Tom Brady is talking about how he likes his balls rubbed does not mean we should close our eyes to the real impropriety taking place here. I command and demand the immediate release of all financial documents pertaining to these tasks under the Freedom of Information Nobody But Me Cares About Act!
NEXT: Baby Got (Artificial?) Back
8. Ian Ziering: Wingman to God
Ian Ziering was Project Manager for Infinity on the task, and you know what that means: more motivational speeches! But Ian was gunning for more than just a victory. He was gunning for a little recognition from the Big Guy. And by Big Guy, I definitely do not mean Donald Trump. “I think if I’m successful, it’s just gonna get me a seat closer to God,” said Ian. Yes, Ian, BECAUSE GOD DEFINITELY WATCHES THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE!
Later, CA editors flexed their proverbial muscle by playing this quote by Mr. Ziering: “The creative arts were always something that I could excel at. If I had classes in imagination and creativity, I would have had straight As because that’s the way my mind works. I’m a very creative person and that’s always been part of my wheelhouse.” Cut to Ian explaining how he wanted a “permanent but movable wall,” which would seem to be somewhat at cross-purposes. As Leeza Gibbons would so eloquently point out, “Ian has a vision and its playing on a screen somewhere in Ian’s head, but I’m not sure that the projector reaches beyond that.”
But all of this was the mere appetizer before the main course that was served up in the Boardroom later. It was an exchange between Ian and Donald Trump and is now presented here for your edification:
IAN: “Our concept was an immersive interactive experience highlighting all the things in Doral Miami.”
TRUMP: “Well it’s the wrong name to start off with.”
IAN: “Well, the Trump…”
TRUMP: “Trump National Doral. Which is, Ian, actually the name: Trump National Doral.”
IAN: “Should I go again?”
All I know is, God is busting a gut right about now.
9. Catfight of the Week
When Trump moved Kenya over to Vortex before the second task, we mourned the loss of the Kenya-Brandi feud. But it was immediately replaced by something even better: the Kenya-Vivica feud! The whole mess started when Kenya went on a texting binge to Kate talking smack about how Vivica made them late getting back from their shopping spree. It then erupted in the Boardroom as the two argued over whether Kenya was really a team player. “I’m a team player,” insisted the Housewife. “You don’t become Miss USA without being a team player.” I’m sorry, but isn’t Miss USA an individual competition? How is team play relevant in that particular circumstance?
So, anyway they argued back and forth some more until Trump asked Vivica if Kenya was attractive or beautiful. Vivica opted for the former, leading to this response from Kenya: “Well, I haven’t had any plastic surgery to my face, and I’m very proud of that.” First off, I can’t even comment about how unbelievably depressing it is that we live in a world where a woman now feels proud just because she is not messing around with her God-given beauty.
But while Kenya was drawing attention to her allegedly original-recipe face, Vivica lost it pointing out some of her foe’s other extra crispy, um, assets: “Stop it, baby. You sittin’ over there with the badonkadonk. That’s fake as hell, so don’t go there. Don’t go there. She didn’t have the boobs done? C’mon, stop that, Kenya. Sitting over there with seven pack of lashes on. Stop that.”
Tremendous. Simply tremendous. And I cannot tell you how positively white I felt typing the word “badonkadonk.” In fact, I just copied and pasted it that second time so I wouldn’t have to type it twice. True story! Ugh, this is terrible. Now all of a sudden I feel like the token white guy nerd in the glasses and sweater vest that would pop up in every 1980s rap video as a ritualistic point of mockery. Anyhoo, while on the subject of allegedly artificial badonkadonks, it should also be pointed out that in my exhaustive research on this matter I actually spoke with Terrell Owens on this subject seeing as he somewhat creepily felt Kenya’s butt a few weeks back for himself. Terrell claims it was real. Take that for what it is worth. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would ever get an ass implant. The entire subject makes me wildly uncomfortable. But I do know this: Judging by her song lyrics, if you say Kenya’s got ass implants, she’ll say she’s fabulous.
Oh, and since there was no way in hell Trump was going to disintegrate this feud right as it started, that meant that Kate Gosselin was going to be the one to get fired, and sure enough, she was. Too bad for her, but at least she’ll always have that memory of the time she and Geraldo dressed up like a married couple. Unfortunately, so will we.
Okay, folks, that’ll do it. Go ahead and have it on the message boards with all your favorite moments, and for more Celebrity Apprentice nonsense, follow me on Twitter: @DaltonRoss. Until next week, and so say we all: Cluck, Cluck… Splash!