Brooklyn Nine-Nine: The 9 best lines from Cheddar
Jake and Amy lose Holt's dog, Adrian and Rosa lose their minds, and Charles loses his vision
Once in awhile on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, our detectives investigate a murder. Other times, it’s a drug ring. (The term “Giggle Pig,” as uttered by Holt, will probably never not be funny.) Last week, it was a basic B&E. This week, though, the stakes were simultaneously at their lowest and highest: Jake volunteered Amy and himself to babysit Holt’s house and beloved corgi, Cheddar, who promptly went missing.
Jake acted rather matter-of-factly about taking on such responsibility; Amy was intensely intimidated. (She is what the Internet sometimes refers to as a “Holt fan.”) But you knew that no matter the couple’s collective demeanor, a misdemeanor at the Holt home was going down. Throw in a temporarily blinded-by-Lasik Charles, and chaos did indeed reign as Charles caused a pants/leg-hair fire in his living room, and in the malodorous fracas, Cheddar escaped out the front door. Soon, the Nine-Nine detectives were on the case to find the little guy. And while it was great to have most of the precinct together, the episode didn’t work as well the previous week’s installment, which introduced us to dark and damaged detective named Adrian Pim — no, wait, Paul Sneed — no, it is Adrian Pimento.
That brings us to the secondary story lines in the episode, which dealt with people who have a lot on their plate, emotionally speaking. Adrian and Rosa began a highly drawn-out, highly amusing dance of seduction, which included treating a lot of things that were not very sexy — punching holes in paper, drying ink — into a bizarro game of foreplay chicken, while Terry observed in disbelief/disgust. Adrian ultimately blinked and ran away, fearing intimacy at this confused stage of his life. But after some half-words of misinterpreted encouragement from Terry, Adrian proposed to her (she said no), got talked down into a drink (look at Rosa, finally exhibiting a little common sense when it came to one of her misguided crushes), and she threw him against the car and started making out with him (bye-bye, wisp of common sense). Hitchcock and Scully might have the right idea by pulling up a chair, grabbing a handful of popcorn, and watching them, because this relationship is getting really weird, really fast.
Meanwhile, Holt decided not to board a plane to Paris and tried to return to his possibly burned-down home, but his driver, Gina, did her best (and worst) to stall him from making it home before Cheddar was found. (Some highlights: Jake’s continued visions of Cheddar as evil mastermind, juxtaposed against quick shots of Cheddar breezily trotting around town; the maddening car door lock gag; and Charles’ meek delayed reaction — “Oh, no…” — to being told that he was sweet-talking a possum and not a corgi in his arms. Alas, most of the Charles-as-bumbling blind man story played too schticky.) In the end, Cheddar was located, and Holt gave us a nice slice of vulnerability; turns out, he had bailed on his trip only because he and Kevin had been having trouble lately and he was worried that they might have a relationship-ending fight in Paris. The episode, which was light on big punchlines, managed to wrap up on a tonally appropriate note: Jake gave Holt several words of sincere support, acknowledged the oddity of his “saying multiple real things” consecutively, unsuccessfully sought props for that, and then a car-sequestered Charles ruined a heartfelt speech by Holt with the car horn.
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Once the horn stops, let’s give into something dark and urgent, cash in our Blockbuster stock, turn all the turtlenecks into regular necks, wait for our Lasik surgery to take, make a list of old, expensive books, feel a weird urge to lecture ourselves in Holt’s voice, and recap the best lines of “Cheddar.”
9. “Yeah, I noticed it! Everyone’s noticed it! A convicted pervert asked me if you guys could cool it!” —Terry to Rosa, when she asked him if he had noticed her weird, sexual energy with Adrian
8. “Oh, cool! I want a fast, expensive sports car… I want old, expensive books. I’ll send you a list.” —Amy to Jake, after Rosa said she wanted Jake to buy her a Ducati motorcycle with his inheritance money
7. “Nope. Boss impaled her on a pole when he caught her skimming tips.” —Adrian to Terry, after Adrian says that a bartender he fell for at a strip club was a sweet girl but he “couldn’t save her from the pole” and Terry concludes that she became a stripper
6. “I get you guys Mexican passports. Totally untraceable. We fake your death in an an apartment fire. I’ll need three teeth from both of you.” —Adrian, after Jake solicits out-of-the-box solutions when Cheddar goes missing
5. “What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card! What happened to Blockbuster???” —Jake, noticing that everyone else was excited to learn that he just inherited a million shares of stock but then turn disappointed when they find out it’s Blockbuster stock (Honorable Jake mention: “Nothing. Cool stuff. Having sex. Anyway, doesn’t matter, let’s go.” —Jake to Amy, when he says he used to hang out at the entrance by 7th St. and she says “Doing what?” and we see a flashback of him messing up a Hacky Sack move and saying disappointedly, “I boofed it”)
4. “Oh, Cheddar is the alpha. Didn’t expect that.” —Jake, after Charles says it’s key to establish the alpha with a dog and then immediately starts pleading with the sweater-chewing corgi
3. “This is horrible. We’re not ready for this! This is a level 1 responsibility. I’m a level 2 at best, and you’re not even a level… [Jake suggests he’s probably a level 5]… Not. A. Level.” —Amy to Jake, after he volunteers them to watch Holt’s house and dog while he goes to Paris
2. “You mean the little sausage ones that need way more salt?” —Scully to Jake, after Jake tells him to put Cheddar’s dog treats outside in hopes of luring Cheddar back to Holt’s house
1. “Is that what it means? Oh man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.” —Jake to Holt after he says “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” and Holt responds, “No, I don’t want to sleep with you.”