Brooklyn Nine-Nine recap: The 9 best lines from 'House Mouses'
Last week’s laugh-loaded episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, “The 9-8,” painted portraits of potent partners. First, we were treated to a giddy reunion between Jake & Stevie (Stevie was his first partner with whom he laid down the law like a Beastie Boys boss). Then, balance in the Brooklynverse was restored between Jake & Charles (Charles is his most loyal partner who ultimately showed him that the good ol’ days with Stevie had gone bad and that guy was actually a dirty cop). This week’s installment, “House Mouses,” focused one of the most legendary pairings the 9-9 has ever seen: two detectives who rarely see the spotlight, much less a meaningful assignment in the field. Yes, that would be Hitchcock and Scully, a pair of dumb-and-dumber, checked-out cops who spend most of their time in the shadows of our main characters, avoiding real work and eating highly questionable food, satisfied with their career and/or body rot. But when Jake suckered them into taking a small case (which turned into a big one) so he could make a play for a big case (which turned out to be a small one), the pair held their own, comedy-wise, in an episode that wasn’t quite as strong as the previous week’s, but served as a nice change of (personnel) pace.
Left unsupervised, Hitchcock and Scully crafted a wonderfully terrible undercover operation to take down a drug ring: Scully’s alias was Tex Dallas, from Dallas, Texas; Hitchcock’s was Reno Vegas, from Reno, Las Vegas (!); and their operation was suitably mislabeled as the Dallas Buyers Club. But in the end, guided by Jake (who, with Terry, had to join the Operation Beans to prevent them from, you know, dying), these two veteran slackers turned their weaknesses into strengths (Hitchcock’s ability to avoid actual walking by riding his office chair over any terrain; Scully’s ability to sweat profusely) in taking down the bad guys (albeit in amusing but not-at-all plausible ways). And then they were promptly tagged and released back into their natural habitat, the precinct, where Terry gave them new chairs to perma-recline in, so they wouldn’t be tasked with important, day-saving stuff again.
Holt, meanwhile, tried to save the day — and impress a celebrity (well, at least in his mind): An acclaimed NYSO oboist, John William Weichelbraun (played by SNL alum/Julia Louis-Dreyfus spouse Brad Hall), claimed that his $40,000 oboe was stolen while he was in the precinct. Andre Brauer, who constantly finds new ways to wring laughs out of this stern, learned taskmaster, shined once again by playing Holt as someone who was trying to wear both the hats of police captain and starstruck fanboy, with latter firmly covering up the former. (I especially loved his giggle when Weichelbraun complimented him on his pronunciation of his last name). It was also fun to watch Charles mix it up as the voice of reason and frustration while his boss careened off the rails: Holt initially handed the case to him, then partnered himself with Charles, then all but removed Charles from the case when he started asking the hard questions. (And, just like last week, he was right as rain on someone else’s parade: He sniffed out that Weichelbraun was lying about the theft.)
What about Amy, Rosa, and Gina, you ask? Well, they made a pact to face their fears for womankind: Gina feared talking to businessmen, Rosa was terrified of needles, and Amy wasn’t so great in confined spaces. Each character had a memorable moment (also: Rosa screaming “Drain me!” to the person drawing her blood will haunt me for a while), but this non-police-related story didn’t generate as many laughs as the other plots. With all that said, we’ve got some good punchlines to power through, so let’s open our autographed copies of the mouth exercises best-seller Reed it and Weep (suggested alternate title: Reed My Lips or The More You Reed, The More You Blow), crank up the Shostakovich, throw some socks and sweet weiners on a George Foreman Grill, put our wigs in a ponytail, moan about Wednesdays, and recap the best lines from “Mouse House.”
9. “I’m scared of business men. A whole army of gray-suited Brads and Chads trying to suck my soul and redeem it for frequent flyer miles.” —Gina, confessing her fear to Rosa and Amy (Tie with “Wait a minute: If you get killed, what happens to all your debt? Loophole!” —Hitchcock, proudly coming to a realization while tied to a chair as a hostage)
8. “I’m giving my drug bust to Hitchcock and Scully. It’s time to get these mice out of their hice. Gah, that was lame. Life is meaningless. We’re all going to die…. Mouses out of their houses! Yes, I am the greatest! Every breath is a gift! Sorry about the rollercoaster.” —Jake to Charles, who responds, “I’m just happy I’m tall enough to ride”
7. “John played oboe for Lynne Cheney. I’m sure we can trust him to be discreet.” —Holt to Charles, who says he’s not comfortable sharing details from an open investigation with John in the room
6. “I finally understand the old adage, ‘Never meet your heroes.’ This is just like when I found out Robert Frost was from… California.” —Holt, disappointed that Wiechelbraun turned out be lying about the stolen oboist to Charles, who responds with a shudder, “Or when I saw Mario Batali with his hair down”
5. “Oh, no way — that’s my partner in there. I’m going in. Also I can’t call for help. I don’t have any quarters.” —Scully to Jake when he says that he and Terry will go surveil the criminals holding Hitchcock hostage and Scully should wait in the car.
4. “I promise I’ll be professional even if it’s Dianne Wiest. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m going to meet Dianne Wiest! She’s so sexual!” —Charles to Holt, who mentions that Charles will be working on a case involving a high-profile celebrity and it must be handled with the utmost discretion
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3. “What celebrity, sir? Is it a Chris? Hemsworth? Evans? Pratt? Pine? Brown? Kross? Is it a non-Chris????” —Jake to Holt, who informs the precinct that a high-profile celebrity was robbed in the Nine-Nine
2. “Kevin and I are huge fans of Weichelbraun’s work. We are what the internet sometimes refers to as ‘Weichelbraun fans.’” —Holt, about the NYSO first chair oboist who claims his oboe was stolen
1. “Oh I get it — just because I got my fingers stuck in a glue trap once, I’m a mouse? I got the cheese out, by the way.” —Scully to Jake, who said that he and Hitchcock would be better off mousing around the old house (Tie with: “No! That’s my cupcake taster!” —Scully to Jake, after he tells him that the bad guys will scalp him and then rip out his tongue)
A group of ragtag cops — led by Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg) — run the 99th precinct of the NYPD.